Love.

I’ve been in love twice in my life. The first time around was consuming and I lost myself. It’s also when I’ve been the most morally corrupt. I wasn’t ready to be committed but I didn’t know how to be alone. I was romantically done with it after a year but we happened to drag it all the way to four. I did a lot of bad things that I regret. Things that he never found out and even when I was madly in love with him I did very questionable things. He was very emotionally abusive and manipulative but it wasn’t really an excuse for things that I did. It’s just really hard to let go sometimes. 

After both of us finally decided to let go I just kinda went crazy. Falling in lust every chance I got, never falling in love. I broke quite a few hearts. Never intentional but relationships seemed pointless to me. Making yourself vulnerable to someone wasn’t a vision I was fucking with. It was the first time I really focused on myself. It was the most fun I had in my life. I fell in love with myself. 

Life has a way of changing your plans. I had met Jaime and was attracted to him instantly but still wasn’t interested in a relationship. When I first went out with him, he was a lot different than I expected. Weird as hell but I was charmed (I’m weird as hell too). I was still distant because I didn’t want to fall in love, I didn’t want to fill the void. He kept asking to hang out and I always said yes and the next thing you know we were hanging out every single day. I wish I could say it was that easy to say we just fell in love and the rest was history but it wasn’t. A lot of internal emotional shit hit the fan for me and him. It seemed to work it self out since then but it wasn’t an easy beginning. 

I have a mutual friend that I would talk to about our problems. If it wasn’t for him I would of just said fuck him instead actually talking things out or looking things at a different way.

 He’s been in a serious relationship for about seven years. Just one day his girlfriend said she wasn’t happy anymore and didn’t feel the same. They technically aren’t broken up just on a “break” but that’s fucking terrifying

When I look at Jaime I see the love of my life. I have never felt so strongly about a person in my life. First loves are often see as the truest or some bullshit like that but I’m telling you my first love can’t compare to what I feel for that man. 

I think about that shit everyday. What will go wrong? Everything just seems so perfect but that feeling can’t last forever: can it? That’s the risk I take everyday. 

Love is something I still can’t comprehend. Love doesn’t always last forever and if you look at statistics your love for someone probably won’t. Why do people fall out of love? Where does the love go when you do fall out? Love is honestly the scariest concept to me but I still can’t get enough of it.

Author: hmalcorn

Hannah Marie. 25. Southern California.

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