Ain’t it funny

The first time I saw you, I swear I felt this way before but not with you. I couldn’t explain it, an instant connection that shook my bones. I didn’t want love. I just wanted to go all over the world with me, myself and I but I couldn’t resist. I did stay away for awhile and you made it easy because you were quiet, never saying too much until one night. Our coworker is a local rapper and invited both of us to go to his show. I wasn’t going to go because the last time I got so drunk and threw up in a friend’s truck and ran into my coworker’s screen door but for reasons unknown I changed my mind.

I was a little tipsy because I always got nervous around my coworkers. I could never be myself for the sake of professionalism and my private nature. I don’t know where it came from but I came up to at the bar and said I had a crush on you. You just smiled and said me too. We went to Denny’s later that night. I told you I didn’t think love was real. You told me that your ex girlfriend just broke up with you three weeks ago.

I thought that was going to be it. We were coworkers and you were getting over a break up but it wasn’t. You texted me a random day during the week and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said sure but from that day I was hooked. We were hanging out once a week, then every other day to everyday. I didn’t know what we were doing and at the time I didn’t care much. I just enjoyed being with someone and I couldn’t remember feeling that way. I had been in love once but I forgot how it felt to be kissed and to actually feel something, to be held in someone else arms, to be romantic, to actually feel love.

We eventually talked about what we were doing. You weren’t ready and neither was I. I was still traveling all over: Alaska, Las Vegas, Arizona, Texas, New Mexico, Washington and Oregon. I was also planning to ditch my life and hike the Appalachian trail and you were still in love with someone else.

I didn’t know how hard it would get or how hard I would fall but it did and I did. For months I kept denying myself but I knew I was in love, I knew I wanted to be with you. You kept burning me over and over again. “I’m not ready.” “I still think about her sometimes.” “We are just friends.”

I wanted to be strong enough to say fuck you and leave but I loved you, I love you. A small part of me knew you loved me too, you love me. I was right. One late night you looked at me and said I’m sorry. I’m ready to focus on us. I haven’t looked back since.

Author: hmalcorn

Hannah Marie. 25. Southern California.

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