It’s been about two months since my tubular pregnancy and it’s been quite the roller coaster ride. A lot of crying spells, a lot of uncertainty, and a lot of a bunch of different emotions. (I know this is a incomplete sentence.)
At the moment I keep going back and forth if I even want kids. I want to take a chunk of time off and just travel for a little bit with Jaime. If we have a kid this will be delayed until they grow up. I also like the idea of a tiny home which isn’t ideal or conventional with children. Hell I don’t even know if I can have children at this point. I really haven’t checked into my fertility after it happened. Doctors and hospitals are the most exhausting things to deal with.
I just can’t shake the feeling though. One of my coworkers brought in her newborn. It sparked that desire of wanting to be a mother again. It’s so crazy that you really can create a human being with the person you love and watch them grow, essentially molding someone for the world they have to live in. You see them experience new things as simple as looking at themselves in the mirror or eating a lemon. (This is like high talk) It’s just wild to me though. It’s a concept that my mind can’t fully grasp but I know is a beautiful experience.
The other day I caught myself watching videos that made me emotional. I re watched the very emotional Kylie Jenner video for her daughter. I’m not a huge fan but that video perfectly captures I guess the experience I idealize. I also watched a buzzfeed video where a guy talks about his first ten days of being a father and he has some struggles because at one moment his baby’s oxygen levels went down and his baby had to go to the NICU. I definitely cried watching these videos.
I still don’t know what’s right for me but I can’t be afraid to talk about these things. I have to be open with myself and other people or I’ll “never get over it”. I don’t think the feeling of losing a baby will go away but I feel I can have a better way of coping. It’s weird when it first happened everyone is so quick to say that they are there for you but when I come to talk to them, they seem uncomfortable with the idea. I think it’s because I act very nonchalant about it. It’s something that happened and there is nothing I can do to change it. I just hope my mind can figure things out.