This is my life right now.

You know I keep changing what I want this blog to be. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t care about success. I do love validation but I hate driving myself insane when I don’t get enough likes or views. I hate the feeling I’m always doing the wrong thing. Some people are lucky in this world and some are not. I shouldn’t be so negative but when I don’t care it relieves the pressure a little, I don’t feel that much of a loser for not meeting my goals. I know I’m part of my failure but I know a lot of it has to do with luck.

I’m sad. I think that’s why I have been writing all day. I just want to scream. It’s hard to explain the sadness. It’s not like I’m crying a lot because I’m not but I just don’t feel like myself and I don’t feel like doing anything but writing oddly and watching rom coms.

Obviously most of my sadness stems from my brother leaving. It’s probably is where all my sadness stems. I feel like I have no one now. I don’t have many people I can call friends anymore. I could always call my brother no matter what and now he’s gone and I know it’s only three months but that’s a long fucking time.

I do like being alone most of the time. I think that’s probably why I don’t have many friends. I get along with a lot of people and I know there are plenty of people who call me their friend but to be honest I don’t feel strong in any of my friendships. They all feel like I’m only the convenient friend sometimes or maybe I’ve just outgrown them. I don’t know.

Enough about my brother but I haven’t really talked about it with anyone. I don’t want to because I fucking hate talking to people about my feelings because they always say the stupidest shit that honestly makes me feel worse. So I don’t say anything, I just keep it all inside. The only person I can talk to is Jaime and he doesn’t know what to say but it’s perfect. I don’t want him to say anything.

My job is cool. I mean it’s not a dream to work there but I don’t hold a high importance it. It’s not a key part of my survival, so there is no stress. Management and my coworkers piss me off sometimes but I keep it my head that I have a goal in mind. The job is easy. I just have to keep trucking.

I thought about what to do after Jaime and I’s big trip. (We changed the plan of a van, we are thinking about backpacking in Asia) I always go back and forth on Jaime and I moving in with my mom and just paying all our debts and saving for a house. I have come up with a new idea of going back to school and trying to get into law school. I’m so scared of student debt and rightfully so but man this world makes it so hard to be something without a piece of paper that says you are smart. I really hope there is going to be a serious change in this world because we all need it. (Maybe not the rich but everyone at the bottom and in the middle need a change)

Another revelation that I came to is I want to live in LA. I felt this way for a long time but I really think I’m up for it. I hate traffic but they have a better public transportation than where I’m living and I thought I was over cities but I’m not. I was just over San Francisco.

I don’t know if I will be able to do any of these things but I’m just putting it out there. I hope it will give me more motivation. I hope I don’t quit. Sooner or later I won’t be able to afford to quit my dreams or stability.

Anyway on a super small note, I read my whole blog today and some of the things I wrote about politics of the birth of this blog is high key embarrassing. I didn’t write any fucked up conservative propaganda but I was a true liberal. That’s beside the point but I don’t understand why I go in my explore page on WordPress and I’m often shown conservative pages or posts. I’m not a conservative and I will never be a conservative. I don’t fuck with conservatives. I’m only for politics that are for all people not the ones that fit my personal agenda. I will say this one time and one time only. If you support Donald Trump still (I have some understanding why people supported him in the beginning because of his populist rhetoric he was spewing but you should know he’s lying by now) YOU are a piece is shit and a fascist.

Author: hmalcorn

Hannah Marie. 25. Southern California.

4 thoughts on “This is my life right now.”

  1. If your find blogging cathartic then keep doing it irrespective of whether you know people are reading. The most important ‘like’ is your ‘like’. I hope your brother’s absence does not weigh too heavily on you.

    Liked by 1 person

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