Life has become increasing difficult. Usually when I’m feeling like shit it’s about money, but this isn’t the case.
Lately it really has been hitting me that my brother is gone. I’ve been sending him tweets on twitter still. I never thought I would feel like this. I cried early this morning because of it.
Work has been awful to be honest. I called out my work for specifically calling me out on dress code. It was really stupid to be honest but they were trying to call me out on something several employees do. It ended in my favor but still. I’m pissed. Like how hard is it to treat all your employees the same?
My coworkers are okay but some are truly awful. I literally don’t fucking do anything. I don’t talk much to be honest and I’m just trying to do my job and leave. I feel like I’m in high school and I’m straight getting bullied by one girl there. I wish I knew what made her so mad but it’s whatever. Although I did tell my manager if she doesn’t say something to her I’m going to tell her to shut the fuck up. I mean it’s only Saturday but she has left me alone.
It does make me sad that I’m not close to my coworkers. I need to stop being so dramatic though. I haven’t worked their long and I mean I’m not the most outgoing person. Sometimes I feel like I come off pretentious and I really don’t try. My friend and I came up with a term for it: Carlton Black. I mean I’m very into “identity” politics, I’m very pro black but I guess I’m not the black that fits the black box, if that makes sense?
I just want to reach a point in myself that I don’t really care what anyone has to say. I say that I don’t care but I do and I’m so fucking sensitive at times. It drives me insane.
I got in a twitter argument because some people tried to romanticize white teachers saying nigger for literature or teaching purposes. I think I like the fire, the anger in me sometimes. It reminds me that I’m still alive.
I feel lately not super close to my husband. Maybe I’m being distant or expecting a lot right now. I don’t know. I just know most of the time I want to be alone and in my bed.
It’s been hard to fall asleep and get out of bed. I just hope this will blow over soon and I can have a nice lapse of happiness coming my way.
The only picture I have of yesterday was of me in the beginning of making ceviche. I need to take more photos. I feel like I’ve stopped recently.
( I also made shrimp tacos but the batter was bad but shrimp is good. I’m really of a seafood kick.)