It’s been awhile

To be specific it’s been about two weeks since I have written anything. I have thought about it but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I’ve been just trying to get it together my friends because I did lose my shit. I lost my shit in a Big 5 parking lot. I was freaking out in Jaime’s car and he pulled into a Big 5 parking lot and I just fucking lost it.

I couldn’t stand it anymore, to be in a place where I’m not welcomed, in a town I know no one and it’s boring as fuck. I couldn’t stand that the dead end job I was in. It all became too fucking much.

So I left Hemet. I moved in with my mom and I feel better. I still have fucking rage and discontent for Jaime’s family. It’s concerning because I don’t know if it will go away but I guess all that matters is that I’m not losing my fucking mind.

I do feel concerned about money. I don’t have a job right now and Jaime isn’t really making money right now. It’s stressful. I’m still waiting on ASU but I might just do cosmetology school. I tell myself that I need to do something but continue to do nothing. I just can’t do that anymore. I fucking hate that I’m going to get myself in a shit ton of debt but I don’t know what else to do to be okay, to be comfortable.

The days have been okay but it’s been a lot of staying in and cleaning. I’ve also been hanging out with my mom a lot which has been nice. It’s been refreshing to be honest.

Jaime and I are doing okay. It’s just been weird. I don’t know why. I just hope things get better between us soon. I guess I couldn’t expect marriage to always be easy.

Author: hmalcorn

Hannah Marie. 25. Southern California.

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