Things seem to be looking up my friends. I got a job offer from all the places I got an interview with so I officially have a job but don’t know when I start.
I still have to figure out my school stuff but I feel better than I have in the past few months which that is progress my friends.
My brother came back from boot camp.
It’s so nice to have him back. My fear of his changing was for nothing. He’s exactly the same but with tons of stories.
That’s why I haven’t been writing much. Before he came back I tried to get a lot of things done around the house like taking out tile, painting and fixing up my room. None of these are done but I have gotten far and my body is still so sore.
The past few days have been family oriented which is a lot of me sitting on the couch watching my brother play video games and a lot of dinners out which has been nice.
My brother has to go back to Camp Pendleton for combat training and then goes to Rhode Island for his MOS training. He doesn’t know where he is getting stationed yet but I hope it’s not too far or a place that sucks like North Carolina. (Sorry to all the North Carolina people!)
There was a brief period where I really thought I was pregnant but I guess my period symptoms were on crack. Usually the only symptoms I get before my period are sore boobs and being moody. (I’m always moody though) This period was earlier that usual and I was constipated, bloated, and I suffered from swollen gums which I guess is a thing when you are pregnant.
I think every month that goes by I always think about the possibility of being pregnant and being a mom. I wasn’t really sad when I got my period but it just kinda of solidify that being a mom may never happen for me and it’s okay.
I feel myself sometimes distancing myself from Jaime. I still feel some type of way with his family situation. He has never defended me or even tried to talk to them about treating me better. Sometimes I feel like he cares about their feelings more than mine. As if he expects me to accept things just as they are.It’s been awhile since we argued but some of the things he has said during arguments hasn’t slipped my mind. I love him but sometimes I feel the respect for one another is not mutual. I think part of it is he’s been working a lot more that usual. It’s just been hard. Why are relationships so fucking hard?
I have also been thinking about forgiveness. I always felt forgiveness is the only way of being free in your mind and soul but I don’t see it that way anymore. I don’t see a problem with cutting people out my life who aren’t good for me. I still trying to figure out if that is a good way to live. I have been wrong about a lot of things in my life but I’m tired of excusing people’s shitty behavior. It has caused me more harm than good. I know people make mistakes and no one is perfect but I can’t surround myself around people who feel like they can’t do no wrong and can’t say sorry.
I don’t know my friends, I’m slowly figuring things out. I’m slowly healing myself back to a normal state.