Home is a feeling

Lately I have been thinking about San Francisco a lot. I miss it but I miss the San Francisco I remember.

San Francisco has become an absolute shit show. I mean it has been decades in the making but it is now the most expensive places to live for no damn reason other than Silicon Valley that has destroyed the city and its culture.

Anyway I just miss that period in my life. I was a fucking mess, messier than I am now but the experience in San Francisco, the people I have met in San Francisco have truly shaped me.

I just miss being able to go out my door and seeing Ocean beach. I miss my apartment shaking because of the incoming L train that comes every twenty minutes. I miss taking walks from Fisherman’s wharf to North beach to eat Italian deserts with my friend Aaron. I miss making random friends at a fancy hat shop. I miss getting invited to bougie events. I miss the Applebee’s bartender that would take me to speakeasies and give me all the free cocaine I wanted.

I miss the messiness. I miss the excitement. I miss meeting eccentric new people.

The last time I went it was weird. The gentrification that is happening in the Sunset is fucking bizarre. Out of all my friends only one, yes one can afford to live in the city still.

They say home is a feeling. I can confirm that. It’s just hurts to know I can never go home again.

It’s been awhile

To be specific it’s been about two weeks since I have written anything. I have thought about it but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I’ve been just trying to get it together my friends because I did lose my shit. I lost my shit in a Big 5 parking lot. I was freaking out in Jaime’s car and he pulled into a Big 5 parking lot and I just fucking lost it.

I couldn’t stand it anymore, to be in a place where I’m not welcomed, in a town I know no one and it’s boring as fuck. I couldn’t stand that the dead end job I was in. It all became too fucking much.

So I left Hemet. I moved in with my mom and I feel better. I still have fucking rage and discontent for Jaime’s family. It’s concerning because I don’t know if it will go away but I guess all that matters is that I’m not losing my fucking mind.

I do feel concerned about money. I don’t have a job right now and Jaime isn’t really making money right now. It’s stressful. I’m still waiting on ASU but I might just do cosmetology school. I tell myself that I need to do something but continue to do nothing. I just can’t do that anymore. I fucking hate that I’m going to get myself in a shit ton of debt but I don’t know what else to do to be okay, to be comfortable.

The days have been okay but it’s been a lot of staying in and cleaning. I’ve also been hanging out with my mom a lot which has been nice. It’s been refreshing to be honest.

Jaime and I are doing okay. It’s just been weird. I don’t know why. I just hope things get better between us soon. I guess I couldn’t expect marriage to always be easy.

Friday Evening

My friends I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I walked out of my work Half Baked style. I didn’t cuss at anyone. I just grab everything from my locker, took my name tag off, clocked out and left.

I really couldn’t take it anymore. I really tried but it wasn’t worth it. I was seeing my mental health going down the drain and the whole point of moving to Hemet and starting a new job was to improve on it. It’s only gotten worse since I have left Murrieta but I think I’m really starting to see some sunshine in my life.

I applied to school for real. It’s a big amount but I can’t go on working at these shitty places. I need to focus on myself and I guess my education. I hate playing into this silly system but it has to be done. I’m just not excited about the expenses.

My anniversary is coming up and considering my friend is getting married a day after our anniversary, we can’t really do anything on the actual date. This upcoming Monday, we are going glamping in a yurt in Carlsbad. I’m pretty excited. I swear I’m always stressing but I always find the time and somehow the money to get away.

Like the other day I went to San Clemente. It’s a pretty boring beach town if you ask me but it’s still pretty. I did go to this amazing book store and bought too many books. Three on the French Revolution, one on drugs and corruption, one of the Wall Street crash and a David Sedaris’s book. Also had a good time at Pizza Port. For some reason I was convinced I didn’t like their beer but I’m a fan.

This weekend I don’t have much planned but on Sunday I’m going to the Millennium tour in LA and I’m so excited. I’m going with my cousins and for some reason I get anxiety when thinking about hanging out with my family. I mean shit everything gives me anxiety.

My brother sent me a letter the other day and it was such a shitty day and I’m just so glad that he’s alive. I’m being dramatic but it’s so weird to have someone you care about not be so far away but you can’t really communicate with them.

I’m a mess my friends but things are looking up, I promise.

I miss my brother

I’m laying in my mother’s bed in my childhood home thinking about how we got here.

My brother left for boot camp on Monday and I can’t help but to feel fucking sad. I wish I could be eloquent and create beautiful metaphors about my sadness but I can’t. I’m fucking tired and sad feeling lost in a world that no one understands me.

I wasn’t always close to my brother. Growing up, we were notorious for beating the shit out of each other but at the same time, we were all we had.

It really changed when I moved back into Murrieta from San Francisco. I was in my peak of alcoholism and I had no one. Sure I had my mom but it’s hard talking to your parents about how fucked up you are. You never want your parents to know how bad you are fucking up. Also I’m distant as hell. I didn’t say what was on my mind but I didn’t have to. My brother saw me cry way too many times. He never asked me what was wrong, he didn’t have to. He was just always there.

Eventually I did start talking to him and opened up and I could honestly call him my best friend. He drives me insane but everyone drives me insane.

I’m so scared to lose my best friend. I just know he isn’t going to be the same person and maybe that will be a good. I don’t know but I love my brother the way he is. I just don’t want him to lose his carefree goofy ways. His way of understanding the world. I just don’t want to lose him as he is.

Maybe I’m being dramatic as fuck because I do have a tendency of doing that but this shit hurts so bad. I am proud of him but I just wished he did something else, tried to do something else. Ultimately though people life’s decisions are never your own. I did get a phone call from my brother and he sounded terrified. The call was only ten seconds.

I just can’t wait until three months are up.