I’m Back

It’s been a very long time my friends and for that I have to apologize. I have been very overwhelmed with life. Living with my sister in law in Hemet California took a lot from me. Moving back in with my mom took my pride away. Being pregnant has took a lot emotional and physically out of me. Becoming a college student has made me doubt myself more than ever. My new job, although not as stressful as previous jobs, has also done a number on me.

I’m finally feeling a little bit more balanced in my life. It’s been hard work just trying to be okay with myself and my progress, to grieve over past relationships, and just trying to enjoy life. I think I’m finally happy. I’m starting to realize that sometimes progress comes slowly, sometimes it’s okay to ask for help. Happiness is not an end goal but something you continuously have to work for.

Enough with the philosophical bullshit, I think I’m ready to start writing more often like I was before my hiatus.

To catch you guys on my life during my hiatus, I’m five months pregnant already and it’s fucking wild. My first trimester of pregnancy sucked. I lost weight from not being able to keep much down and just not having an appetite in general. I was tired all the time and work just fucking sucked the living soul out of me. I do think overall pregnancy has given me a new sense of thought of positivity that I definitely didn’t have pre-pregnancy. Although my family nor my husband don’t believe it, I feel like I have become a more patient person, less angry at the world.

My second trimester has been more of smooth sailing. I can feel my baby kicking at times and it’s the most surreal feeling ever. I wish I could properly explain it. I found out the sex of my baby at fourteen weeks to find out it was wrong at twenty one weeks. I wasn’t too upset because I’ve been trying to be gender neutral as possible when shopping for clothes and things.

I do want to bring up another positive affect pregnancy has brought into my life is that just maybe I really don’t need alcohol or weed in my life. I was so dependent on them that I really felt like I needed them to function, to be okay with life. Being forced sober realize maybe all that shit was in my head. I don’t know maybe it’s also the increase of hormones in my body that has made me feel so fucking different about everything.

Some anxieties I’m having about pregnancy is my healthcare. I do have health insurance but I do need to change it quickly. If I don’t I will be left with a $12,000 bill after I give birth and we all know I ain’t got that kind of money. It’s been so crazy though. Jaime and I tried to apply for Medi-Cal just for the baby and was denied because we made to much so then we applied for Medi-Cal Access (Which is like Medi-Cal but for people who’s health insurance deductible is too high and also for people with “middle class” incomes but for only pregnancies) and then was denied because our income is too low. Make it make sense!

I’m also having anxiety from wondering if I will be a good parent. Will I do the right thing? Will I lead my child down the right path? Or will I just fuck them up? Everyone’s idea of being a good parent is so fucking different and I wish there was proper guidance but people really didn’t lie when they said people have no clue what they are doing.

I think this is the best recap I can give at the moment. So much has happened, so much time has passed but I’m going to try and keep writing often. I do need something for me and still make time for me and I have missed it.

 

Monday and a BIG announcement

Hey friends!

I know it’s been awhile. It’s been mostly because my phone broke and I have been lazy and stressed. Going back to school and all the stupid shit you have to do, will put a damper on you. I’m still not use to my phone also.

Anyway I haven’t been up to much. My life has been very plain, just work and home and some drinking in between.

Although last week Jaime and I went to La Jolla and went kayaking. It was really nice. We got to see dolphins and go into the La Jolla caves. I really don’t like physical activity but kayaking is cool. I would do it again.

An update on work is it’s still cool. I really like being alone. I just feel useless here sometimes. I really don’t do shit 85% of the time. It all feels like a waste of time. These sale goals that they put on you too is a bit ridiculous. I just don’t care that much anymore. I kinda want to find a new job, one with better hours and better pay

Because……

I’m going to be a fucking mom!

I know I’m kind of jumping the gun here. I found out last night and wanted to tell someone, so why not my blog audience. I’m waiting to tell friends and family this time.

I’m excited. I’m nervous. I just hope everything works out this time.

Wednesday Morning

Hello my friends!

I’ve been working the past few days and even though it’s not long hours, I’ve been tired. (Also a little lazy)

Work is cool so far but I haven’t really actually done my job. The past few days have been mostly tedious things like learning the mission statement, product knowledge, company’s history, and just a lot of corporate bullshit that’s honestly pointless.

Saturday is my first day working alone and I’m kinda nervous. Selling clothes honestly seems so awkward to me and the extent they want me to do it is honestly too much. I work for a higher end retailer but it’s not like it’s Gucci or Balenciaga. They expect you to get clients but honestly it’s Forever 21 clothes but marked way up. I feel like I’m being harsh but it’s kinda true.

They also kinda have a oddly specific dress code. If you aren’t wearing the brand you have to wear all black, white or dark grey business casual. You can’t wear heavy makeup and your nails have to be polished and never chipped.

Anyway my favorite part so far is getting to try on clothes for the hell of it. It makes sense so you can get an idea of styling and sizing.

Anyway it’s hard to tell how well this job is going to work out because it’s the beginning but I am nervous about it but hell I’m nervous about everything.

To be fair on why I didn’t write one whole day is because I did spend the day yesterday with Jaime. (I really should just schedule post but my blog is mostly a diary of thoughts so it’s kinda hard if the day hasn’t happened yet)

After work yesterday we went to get a few beers, got In N Out and went shopping at Kohl’s because I needed a few outfits for work. It was a nice day with him yesterday considering we got in a fight the day before because he came home late drinking with friends and it was my first day of work and also my brothers last day before MCT.

My brother is gone. I was a little sad I didn’t get to be there to drop him off but at least he gets his phone for the weekends and he will have liberty the last two weeks. It’s not like boot camp where I had to wait for a letter in the mail to hear from him.

Today all I’m going to do is just chill, write in my physical journal, read my book on the French Revolution (which is only about murder) and wait for Jaime to get home so I can watch the new Black Mirror.

Till next time my friends.

Monday Morning

Hello my friends! I’m feeling very anxious this morning. It’s my first day of my job and right now I’m waiting in a coffee shop just waiting for it to turn one o’clock so I can just get it over with. I don’t know why I feel so nervous to start this new job. I think it’s because I always find it hard to fit in and also find it hard to adjust to new things but it should be okay. For the past few hours I’ve been writing in my journal and reading a book about The French Revolution. It made me feel slightly better because when I woke up this morning I was going to throw up from my nerves. I hate that I get like this and it happens all too often.

I also got an uneasy call from my academic advisor this morning. He basically told me that I need my own laptop to do the program. I was just planning to get my work done at the library until I could get approve for a loan or until I could save up for a laptop. It’s just not an option. I’m feeling a little worried about it but I just hope I can push out the semester to fall. If not I guess I’ll just reapply. Why is life so fucking hard to figure out?

Anyway yesterday was a really nice day out with my brother and a few friends. I honestly planned yesterday to be boring and at home but we did a lot.

We first went to a restaurant called Chef’s Grille. Honestly it was too expensive for what it was. I feel like a lot of restaurants in Murrieta and Temecula are. There is a lot of these restaurants with nice interiors popping up but they just don’t taste great and it’s twenty a plate. That being said it was just okay.

What was nice was I got a lot off my chest. It’s been awhile since I felt like I had a friend other than my mom and Jaime. I know it’s my fault but I just don’t feel like talking to anyone else lately.

After lunch we decided to go to the mall because my brother wanted to buy different frames. We ended up taking a wrong turn and ended up at Mr. Chi again. Apparently they change their glass cups about everyday.

I ended up getting a watermelon soda. It was good but I wish I just got a milk tea instead.

When we got to the mall, my brother decided he would wait to get frames later. We walked around for a little bit. I ended up seeing an old friend at the mall. It had been so long and I’ve missed him. He’s the reason Jaime and I are together honestly. I told him we have to hang out soon. Hopefully I can keep my promise.

After going to the mall we started to walk around. There’s a lot of things to see and do around the mall. We went to Plato’s closet. It’s a thrift store but I guess with standards. My brother got two pairs of shoes. They are really nice I wish I took a picture of them. We also went to a pet store for the hell of it and there was a bird at the front door that could talk. Like it literally says bye as you leave the store. Birds freak me out though.

One time I went to a birthday party in six grade. My friend had a bird and the first things she said is don’t put your finger in the cage. The first thing my dumb ass did was put my finger in the cage. The bird took a pretty good chunk out of my finger and I’ve been traumatized ever since.

Anyway we also went to go throw axes. Well I didn’t and neither did Anna. (I know I didn’t mention names before, oh well!) I felt like I was in Final Destination just waiting for my impeding death. My brother and Joaquin had fun though

After the axe throwing we went home. It was a nice way to close my brother being here. I mean he’s still here but I’m going to be gone for most of the day. I’m really going to miss my brother but I don’t want to think about that right now. I have a hundred other things to worry about and he’ll be fine. It may be awhile till I’ll see him again but I’ll be fine. I have to be.

Home is a feeling

Lately I have been thinking about San Francisco a lot. I miss it but I miss the San Francisco I remember.

San Francisco has become an absolute shit show. I mean it has been decades in the making but it is now the most expensive places to live for no damn reason other than Silicon Valley that has destroyed the city and its culture.

Anyway I just miss that period in my life. I was a fucking mess, messier than I am now but the experience in San Francisco, the people I have met in San Francisco have truly shaped me.

I just miss being able to go out my door and seeing Ocean beach. I miss my apartment shaking because of the incoming L train that comes every twenty minutes. I miss taking walks from Fisherman’s wharf to North beach to eat Italian deserts with my friend Aaron. I miss making random friends at a fancy hat shop. I miss getting invited to bougie events. I miss the Applebee’s bartender that would take me to speakeasies and give me all the free cocaine I wanted.

I miss the messiness. I miss the excitement. I miss meeting eccentric new people.

The last time I went it was weird. The gentrification that is happening in the Sunset is fucking bizarre. Out of all my friends only one, yes one can afford to live in the city still.

They say home is a feeling. I can confirm that. It’s just hurts to know I can never go home again.

It’s been awhile

To be specific it’s been about two weeks since I have written anything. I have thought about it but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I’ve been just trying to get it together my friends because I did lose my shit. I lost my shit in a Big 5 parking lot. I was freaking out in Jaime’s car and he pulled into a Big 5 parking lot and I just fucking lost it.

I couldn’t stand it anymore, to be in a place where I’m not welcomed, in a town I know no one and it’s boring as fuck. I couldn’t stand that the dead end job I was in. It all became too fucking much.

So I left Hemet. I moved in with my mom and I feel better. I still have fucking rage and discontent for Jaime’s family. It’s concerning because I don’t know if it will go away but I guess all that matters is that I’m not losing my fucking mind.

I do feel concerned about money. I don’t have a job right now and Jaime isn’t really making money right now. It’s stressful. I’m still waiting on ASU but I might just do cosmetology school. I tell myself that I need to do something but continue to do nothing. I just can’t do that anymore. I fucking hate that I’m going to get myself in a shit ton of debt but I don’t know what else to do to be okay, to be comfortable.

The days have been okay but it’s been a lot of staying in and cleaning. I’ve also been hanging out with my mom a lot which has been nice. It’s been refreshing to be honest.

Jaime and I are doing okay. It’s just been weird. I don’t know why. I just hope things get better between us soon. I guess I couldn’t expect marriage to always be easy.

Friday Evening

My friends I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I walked out of my work Half Baked style. I didn’t cuss at anyone. I just grab everything from my locker, took my name tag off, clocked out and left.

I really couldn’t take it anymore. I really tried but it wasn’t worth it. I was seeing my mental health going down the drain and the whole point of moving to Hemet and starting a new job was to improve on it. It’s only gotten worse since I have left Murrieta but I think I’m really starting to see some sunshine in my life.

I applied to school for real. It’s a big amount but I can’t go on working at these shitty places. I need to focus on myself and I guess my education. I hate playing into this silly system but it has to be done. I’m just not excited about the expenses.

My anniversary is coming up and considering my friend is getting married a day after our anniversary, we can’t really do anything on the actual date. This upcoming Monday, we are going glamping in a yurt in Carlsbad. I’m pretty excited. I swear I’m always stressing but I always find the time and somehow the money to get away.

Like the other day I went to San Clemente. It’s a pretty boring beach town if you ask me but it’s still pretty. I did go to this amazing book store and bought too many books. Three on the French Revolution, one on drugs and corruption, one of the Wall Street crash and a David Sedaris’s book. Also had a good time at Pizza Port. For some reason I was convinced I didn’t like their beer but I’m a fan.

This weekend I don’t have much planned but on Sunday I’m going to the Millennium tour in LA and I’m so excited. I’m going with my cousins and for some reason I get anxiety when thinking about hanging out with my family. I mean shit everything gives me anxiety.

My brother sent me a letter the other day and it was such a shitty day and I’m just so glad that he’s alive. I’m being dramatic but it’s so weird to have someone you care about not be so far away but you can’t really communicate with them.

I’m a mess my friends but things are looking up, I promise.