Saturday Afternoon

My friends, life seems to be looking up a little but my anxiety has not waned. I got accepted into ASU so I’m excited about that!

Not too excited to figure out how everything is going to be paid for but I’ll figure it out. I really need a laptop before the semester starts which is July 3rd but somehow I always manage to pull shit off. I have had a few interviews in the past few days but I’m not too hopeful of a positive outcome but I’m okay with that because right now things might not be great but I’m okay.

So the past few days have been of great highs and lows. I have been drinking more than usual which is never a good sign but I guess it could be worse.

The other day was one of my cousin’s birthday. We went to get ramen in San Diego. You could feel the tension between my Tia and my older cousin. You could cut that shit with a knife. My mom could tell the tension between Jaime and I.

For the most part the experience was good. I think we all irritate each other but at the end of the day we are all family and that’s all that matters.

The other day Jaime and I ended up at the brewery after a trip to the social security office. I’m officially an Ojeda! Only after a year of marriage. I guess our favorite breweries and a bunch of other local breweries were doing a craft week. If you get at least three stamps in this craft beer “passport”, you’ll get an enamel pin.

Well I got the pin but I also drank too much. Jaime and I ended up hanging out with one of his friends. I got into it with Jaime’s friend about abortion. He started to make a point about an abortion law in New York and I got upset because he was misinformed. I hate how a lot of men talk to women and act like they know everything after listening to a Joe Rogan podcast. I was fucking furious. I might have to do a whole other post about abortion because all this foolishness happening around America has made me feel some type of way. The way Jaime talked to me about it also made me very angry. But I was really drunk so I was able to let it go for the rest of the day.

(Here’s a picture of me getting stressed out when Jaime’s friend doesn’t break up his weed before smoking it)

When we got home I brought it up about how he spoke to me and he got really defensive. It got really bad. I didn’t talk to him for a day. I have never done that but I’m over being walked over and letting people get away with being shitty. I’m too old and bitter for it.

But last night surprisingly we found a way to communicate without yelling and without someone shutting down. Things are starting to look up because that is our biggest problem, communication.

Alright friends I’m about to go back to taking out tile off the floor. I’m a true DIYer. I made my mom some shoes the other day I have to take a picture of them because they came out really great. Anyway I’m also watching Pose which is so good. It reminds me of Paris is Burning and I know I bring that documentary up so much but it’s my true inspiration.

Tuesday Afternoon

I don’t know what’s been going on with my life to be honest. I’m at a point where I hate everyone but my mom. Jaime and I have been getting in big fights everyday for about a week and it’s fucking awful. I don’t have much friends but the one I do have, she got butt hurt because I told her I wouldn’t be able to make it next week to do this painting thing. Maybe I misread it because texts tend to bring a lot of miscommunication but it didn’t seem like she was understanding but oh well.

I had an interview yesterday and it went well. I have a phone interview today and it would be a cool job to have because I won’t really work with anyone else and I would be styling people which is one of my secret dream jobs.

Jaime and I went to grab drinks and everything was going okay but I don’t know he just always finds a way to make me feel like shit. It feels like he never sees my point of view and he doesn’t try to communicate with me. I know relationships are hard and it isn’t sunshine and rainbows all the time but fuck.

I’m so fucking sick and tired of feeling like shit all the time. I don’t remember the last time I felt genuinely happy. It always seems to come in short waves. I even went to In N Out yesterday and I couldn’t enjoy it. I never mentioned this but I’m a huge stan of In N Out. No other burger compares. (Although I’m a fan of Shake Shack peanut butter burger. It’s not on the menu but it’s good I promise!)

I just hope I get this job but I don’t know I’m never to hopeful. I don’t want to get my hopes up if it doesn’t fall through. I don’t need anymore disappointment in my life. I have another interview on Thursday that pays a little more so wish me luck.

Sorry for being such a Debby downer lately but life has not been the brightest and it’s been really hard to see the light through the tunnel. One thing I am looking forward to is my brother is coming back from boot camp. I just hope he hasn’t changed much.

(Here are some photos of Jaime and I before we got in a fight)

Thursday Morning and some Met Gala commentary.

Hello friends. I actually had some productive days since I last wrote. On Tuesday it was Jaime’s day off so we went to Souplantation because one of his customer gave him coupons for free meals. It was nice. We also went to one of our favorite breweries and drank too much. I had made plans to go out with my friend later that day.

I met up with my friend in Old Town Temecula. We had a few margaritas at a faux Mexican restaurant, a tiki bowl, and we ended up going to the brewery again because Jaime left his card. So it was safe to say I was very drunk. I had a good time though. It’s been a long time since I hung out with her alone and I missed her.

After she dropped me back home though, things went south. Jaime and I got in a fight and it was obviously heighten by the alcohol in both our systems. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m still upset about the situation but I love him and I really do want to work through are problems. I just hate how sometimes I’m the only one who tries to actively communicate when an issue arises. He just shuts down. It’s frustrating but we are still trucking through.

Yesterday I was a bit hung over. Not as bad as usual but still uncomfortable. I stayed in bed for a good amount of the morning. I watched a lot of YouTube videos. I have been into beauty and shopping haul videos lately. I also have been dressing up lately. I can make a correlation though. Usually when I feel like shit about my life I tend to dress up and be very into keeping up my appearance. I think it goes back to the philosophy, if you look good you feel good.

Anyway I ended up going shopping with my mom. My mom is a shopaholic but one who knows to go shopping on a budget.

I ended up getting this dress from Free People for ten dollars! (I feel like I have been doing a lot of retail therapy which isn’t necessary good because consumerism doesn’t fix anything but it will have do for now.)

Anyway a little side note is I have always been into fashion and also a shopaholic for some time now but with recent times my politics have changed drastically and with that so did my shopping habits. But to simplify Marxism, forced to work and born to shop amirite?

The Met Gala was a few days and it is one of my favorite bourgeoisie event to follow. This year’s theme was camp and the best way to describe camp in a very watered down version is drag, like the documentary Paris is Burning drag. Anyway here are a few of my favorite looks from that night.

This isn’t camp like at all but the dress is a work of art. I’m not a Kardashian fan but you can’t deny their influence and this dress is just wow. I have to say though, Kim has a certain aesthetic that never changes and it’s getting a bit boring but I still love this dress.

Cardi B has the best stylists out there hands down. It’s not my favorite look of hers or the night but top five of the night.

I would probably say Zendaya was my favorite look of the night. I love the whole show behind her look. Although I must point out that Zac Posen did it first with Claire Danes at the Met Gala in 2016. The execution was different though and it made all the difference.

Billy Porter killed it. This is fucking camp.

Emily Ratajkowski’s body is fucking sickening and I love an obvious Cher inspired look.

There were so many looks from that night that I loved but I don’t want to flood the post. I was a bit disappointed because a lot of people weren’t truly doing camp. The only fun thing about the Met Gala is the theme. I mean maybe the event itself is fun but I’ll probably never be rich enough or famous enough to be invited. Until next time my friends.

Sunday Shopping and a little bit of racial profiling

Yesterday was really nice. After writing my post yesterday I felt very anxious. Honestly I really feel like a fucking loser back at square one. It’s not a good feeling. I know it takes time but fuck can I have my shit together already? I started to paint my house but it didn’t make me feel any better. I claim to be a home body but I hate being in the house all day. I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind. My mom invited me to go to Chino Hills for some shopping.

Everything was nice for the most part except for a small mishap at Marshall’s.

I don’t know how to say this but I pretty much experience racial aggressions everyday of my life. I usually ignore them because it’s not worth my time and honestly you just get use to it but yesterday I wasn’t in the mood.

I went into the dressing room to try on one item. The first odd thing is the dressing room attendant took the dress out of my hand examined the dress and told me it was cute and handed me a number. I didn’t see that as necessary but okay. I try it on and take some photos for the blog and get out of the dressing room. The lady was helping another person when I got out and told me I had to wait because she had to check me out. I didn’t understand I had one item that I clearly still had in my hand. I told her she was tripping and then I left. She followed me for a little bit too but I guess gave up. There was no need to check me out especially since you already scoped what I had and I had one item.

I’m always for the worker. I know how shitty these jobs can be but if you take the time out of your day to be disrespectful best believe it’s not going to be pretty.

It got worse when I told my mom about it and my mom don’t play. I bet the whole store heard her yell at this lady for racial profiling me.

Anyway I got a lot of cute things yesterday and for the most part the day was great. I’m glad as the days go on I’m getting closer and closer to my mom. I hate that it took losing a pregnancy to realize how much my mom truly is a ride or die. I hate that I didn’t appreciate my mom as much as before but I’m trying to make up for lost time. Until next time my friends but here are some photos of the things I got yesterday.

Random Thoughts on a Sunday Afternoon

  • I have deleted my Instagram mostly because I can’t stand my in laws looking at my shit. I don’t miss it though. I have my blog and twitter and I know strangers read my blog or my twitter but somehow I feel more comfort in that than people I know.
  • I’ve been watching this youtube Vice documentary on gangs in El Salvador and I think it’s weird when a person gets murdered and these journalist want to interview their family right after it happens. I think for the most part it’s exploitive than anything else.
  • Lately I have felt beautiful and sexy in my skin. It’s weird and I don’t know where this confidence has come from but I hope it doesn’t go away.
  • I feel better. I haven’t smoked weed or eaten edibles in three days and I haven’t felt like I needed it. I guess this is improvement my friends.
  • I still haven’t heard anything from ASU and I’m starting to feel anxious I might just go to community college for now. I was thinking of cosmetology school because I like the idea of just doing a program, you don’t have to pick out classes or what not, and start a career. I feel like college was really a unguided, unnecessary hard, experience for me. With that being said I’m not a huge fan of the beauty community though.
  • I have been looking into cults lately because I read this crazy article about this cult at Sarah Lawerence college. I can’t help but think about this girl I use to talk to at Panera Bread. One day I confided in her that I didn’t know what I was doing in my life and she said that she has a mentor that could help me get out of debt and retire by thirty. I told her no thanks but it makes me wonder if she was just part of a pyramid scheme or part of a cult or maybe both.
  • Jaime and I are really good right now. I hate that whenever there seems to be some tension or a problem, I feel like the relationship is coming to an end. I think I have abandonment issues.
  • I have been really trying to work through my rage lately. I don’t know how I will resolve the grudges that I’m holding on to. I just hope that I do because I realize it’s not good for me to have so much rage in me. It honestly makes me sick.
  • I forgot to mention that I was part of a wedding a few weeks ago. I’m happy for my friend and I glad she is happy. With that being said, I will never be part of anyone’s wedding again. I wanted to share a few photos.

Wednesday Afternoon

I have actually gotten out of bed and out of my room without needing to actually do something my friends and it feels nice. It’s mostly because my sister in law is on spring break and my mother in law came over and I just don’t feel like dealing with it.

I walked down to a local coffee shop, even though I don’t drink coffee anymore, I bought a sandwich and played this Iphone game I’ve been obsessed with for awhile. It’s similar to candy crush but it has a legit story and some interior design involved.

I don’t know what it is about today but I feel better. Do I keep thinking about how shitty my life is right now? Sure but I’m a little hopeful. I finally paid the $70 application fee for school and that shit hurted. (I know this isn’t a word I did it intentional) I’m starting to stress about money a little bit. I know we should be fine but still. I hate stressing about money.

I keep thinking about my job I just quit. There were some elements that I liked. Customers were really nice. I did have very few cool coworkers. It got me to eat better and got me to cook more. I also realize rationalizing a hostile work environment is not good for me either. I do think it is a bit odd though when I quit I called the day after and talked to one of my mangers, Sara. I always liked her because she’s a legit a good person and one of the best managers I have had despite the shitty job. I mean she was really cool. She really knows how to communicate correctly, doesn’t dehumanize you. The way she said good bye was weird to me. It felt so nice and sincere. (Not saying it wasn’t but I did walk out of the place in the middle of my shift and that clearly doesn’t make for a nice clean good bye) I still don’t feel comfortable going there though and it’s the closest grocery store near by. I’m having Jaime drive me to Winco tonight to save me some anxiety.

I wanted my blog to be private but I don’t care anymore, I’m starting to question my relationship with Jaime’s family. When we first got together it wasn’t bad. I truly felt they were inviting. I don’t know what happened but then I felt I just started to get ignored by a lot of his family, so much so that no one in his family knows a thing about me. Just the things I post on Instagram which let’s be honest is all performative bullshit. It bothered me a little because I would go to his family events to be sitting in a corner the whole time being ignored while Jaime is being pulled in many different directions. I thought maybe I should be more outgoing but it’s not my fault I’m not super bubbly. I wasn’t made that way.

When we got married it got even worse. Small comments here and there. I think the worse time is when I went over to my other sister in laws house for a small gathering and Jaime’s mom said “I didn’t know she was coming.” So they only saved Jaime food. To put it in better perspective, I was already living with one of my sister in laws, (They all live about a ten minute radius from each other) I had no job, so why wouldn’t I come? Especially considering that I always go to family events even without Jaime.

I’m becoming a little more upset by my living situation too. Don’t get me wrong I moved out of my apartment because I wanted to save money and I needed a break so Jaime and I agreed to move in with my sister in law to help her out, with that being said I could of done the same thing and moved in with my mom which is honestly better to me because I know and love my mom. I love Jaime’s family and I do care about them because at the end of the day that’s my husband’s family but they have made an effort to show me I’m not part of their family.

When we first moved in, everything was cool. We did have a small hiccup because she said something stupid and insensitive about kids. Never did apologize for it but it’s whatever. Then about two months ago she keeps sending us these lists through texts of everything we are fucking up on, which was irritating because on these lists she would do some of these things. The time where I had enough is when she texted us on my birthday about moving our dogs to the garage. Maybe I’m too much but she already doesn’t have that great of air conditioning as it is and  (I have pugs and summers get well over 100 degrees in Hemet), there are rats and black widows. Why would I move my dogs in there. So I took my dogs to my mom’s house. She ignored us (especially me) for a month until we gave her extra money for the water bill that Jaime’s mom asked us to give her. (That’s another thing that’s fucking irritating. Jaime’s mom call Jaime asking him if we can pay $1000 instead of $600 because Jaime’s dad is running out of savings. Why on earth would I have left my apartment to pay $1000 for a room?)

It makes me upset that money is the only reason she started talking to me. She started talking to Jaime and sometimes she purposely only says hi to him. I literally have done nothing to her but move my dogs out because I didn’t want them staying in the garage.

I really do want to move out but I don’t want to screw her over. I know she’s stressed and overwhelmed but man so am I and I don’t take it out on people like that.

The good thing is I’m out. In one of the places that I love, the library. I’m going to spend the next hour reading Toni Morrison and although my life is a fucking scramble, shit will figure itself out.

I want to thank my readers out there who comment and tell me to keep writing and that things will be okay. I see you and appreciate you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday Afternoon

Life has been full of ups and downs. Mostly downs if I want to be real.

The past few days have kept me busy. On Sunday I went to the Millennium tour with my cousins.

(Only one cousin pictured)

It was cool. Yin Yang twins were the best performers but I’m so glad I got to finally see Lloyd live. Lloyd is probably my favorite r&b musician unless Partynextdoor counts.

Although I feel I overshared with my cousins. My family likes to talk and usually not in a positive light. It’s whatever. I’m really honestly fucking over it. People talk shit when you are doing good and when you are doing bad. What’s a girl to do? I’m a little concerned about one of my cousins. I knew she was going through it but she made it evident that day that she wasn’t okay.

On Monday, Jaime and I rented a yurt in Carlsbad.

It was really nice but I did for sure ended up drinking too much. I hate the person I become when I drink too much sometimes.

The best part was being by the beach. I don’t know but I always feel the most at ease when I’m at the beach. It’s the only thing that can convince me that everything is going to be okay.

I’m sorry guys. I feel like I’m being very vague and not very interesting. I just want to stay dedicated to writing because I need something to keep me sane because I feel like I’m losing my shit.