My Abortion Story.

I have written about it but not really in detail because it is something that still hurts to think about.

It happened about a year ago.

My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for about six months. For awhile I really didn’t think I could get pregnant. I didn’t even know I was pregnant because I was bleeding the month I found out I was pregnant. It was lighter than usual so I decided to take a pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant. I downplayed the bleeding as implantation bleeding because it was so light

I was really excited but scared at the same time. I was already shopping for things at baby r us and a boutique in Laguna Beach. I didn’t tell anyone but a few friends and my mom just in case something happened and something happened.

I was at work one day and I went to the bathroom and when I got up there was a lot of blood. I started to freak out. I told my managers that I had to leave and Jaime picked me up to go to the ER.

I go to the ER and I get an ultrasound and a transvaginal. One thing that upset me is the doctor in the ER was going to send me home before he got the results from the transvaginal. I was told that the doctor thought I was having a miscarriage and that it was so early on that they couldn’t see the baby and it would explain the bleeding. Just before I left I saw the technician run to tell the ER doctor that she needed to speak with him. He comes to tell me I’m having a tubular pregnancy and would have to wait for the emergency OBGYN.

I waited for hours and when I say hours it was about seven. When I got to see the OBGYN, he told me already what the ER told me earlier and that I should wait a couple days to see if anything changes because sometimes tubular pregnancy are misdiagnosed.

The next day I feel pain in my pelvis and go to the ER again. They did another transvaginal. They didn’t tell me much but I was scared because they put me in a hospital bed instead of making me wait in the ER waiting room like the day before. I was there for about two hours until they told me to follow up with an OBGYN the next day.

I go to an OBGYN and he suggests that I get a shot of methotrexate which is a nice way of a saying abortion. I didn’t have much options. You can not take a zygote that is developing in your Fallopian tube and put it in a uterus. It’s just not possible. If I didn’t get the shot of methotrexate I would literally fucking die.

The OBGYN sends me to the ER (a different one but a ER none the less) yet again for the methotrexate. I was yet again sitting in a hospital bed but I had my mom and Jaime by my side. The ER doctor comes and says it looks like you are hemorrhaging and I don’t know why the OBGYN suggested you get a shot of methotrexate. I think you may have to go into surgery. He told me he was going to try and reach the OBGYN to find out why they had reached that solution.

At that point I was fucking terrified. I was sitting there for about an hour when the ER doctor comes back and says that I’m stable enough to get the shot of methotrexate. A nurse comes in to give me info and I will never forget how she treated me.

She kept telling me I was going to kill my baby if I got the shot and kept asking if I was sure if I wanted to do it. Like bitch I’m going to fucking die if I don’t! The baby won’t survive either way so what other choice do I fucking have.

I got the shot of methotrexate and the first day wasn’t bad. I was just sad. The next three days I was in so much pain I could barely move. I sat on my couch for days just watching videos, crying on and off.

After the three days, the pain waned but I still bled about a month after.

I understand that my abortion isn’t from an unwanted pregnancy or what not. I understand that most people would support my decision except the government of Ohio. I don’t feel vengeful to the women who decided to end abortions because of an unwanted pregnancy. At the end of the day it’s no one’s business but theirs. My short term pregnancy has wrecked my body and I may be infertile. Imagine what long term pregnancies do to women.

Women are not baby incubators. The sad fact is the access to information on sex is lacking especially among the youth. A large if not all responsibility of birth control is put on women and they are expected to deal with the consequences not the other way around.

When unwanted babies are born especially the pro life crowd tends to forget about them. There is approximately 443,000 kids in foster care. It’s the same crowd that blocks LBGTQ parents from adoption.

How many kids go to sleep hungry? How many kids don’t have a place to call home? How many kids has the US put kids in cages for immigration cause or profit?h (juvenile hall)

I’m so tired of the war on women’s bodies and our ability to choose what we want for our lives. When will this shit end?

Work Work Work

Work has been interesting lately. I did need the time off for sure because the bullshit that has been happening has been odd.

I keep getting into these weird political conversations with people.

I had a customer who had a shirt that said Mussolini is my hero. I kept staring at it because who the fuck wears something like that? That’s crazy. He asked me if I knew who Mussolini was. I said yes the literal inventor of fascism (Hitler’s biggest inspiration. I didn’t say this part but I should have) This customer comes in all the time, now he avoids my line. We talked a little more about it and he ended the conversation with “I didn’t know people still knew history.”

I had another customer who talked to me about the situation in Venezuela. I never ever at work say my opinion about politics but this one slipped out. I told him that America should let Venezuela figure it out on their own, we don’t need to interfere. I’m tired of people dying for no reason. I think he may of gotten offended but we don’t need another Vietnam.

I was talking to my manager for a little bit about these weird occurrences. I didn’t go into detail but she went on to tell me one of the regulars won’t talk to her because she voted for Trump. I honestly didn’t need to know that. Y’all know how I feel about that. I won’t treat her differently because its work and I don’t buy into that shit that my coworkers are family. That is abusive.

My coworkers are talking behind my back. I already knew this but I got a confirmation from another coworker. I think it slipped out for him but it’s cool because at least I know I can trust him.

It really hasn’t been that bad because although it sucks not having a good relationship with who you work with it’s whatever. I have a goal to save and although I want to quit, why let them win? Not everyone is going to like me and that’s fine. It took me awhile to realize this but I’m there now.

30 Day Blog Challenge Day 21

Day 21- What makes you sad?

  • People who die because of not having health care
  • Homelessness knowing there are many vacant homes
  • Food waste
  • Capitalism
  • Racism
  • Sexism
  • Transphobia
  • Homophobia
  • Classism
  • America not having great public transportation when the technology is there
  • Politics
  • Islamphobia
  • Ageism
  • Lack of worker’s right
  • Price of education
  • Fascism
  • White supremacy
  • Governments poisoning their own people (Flint and many other American cities)
  • Mass incarceration
  • The slave markets America created in Libya.
  • Police brutality
  • Justifying conservative bullshit
  • Imperialism

There are a lot I’m probably missing but these are a few things that make me sad.

This is my life right now.

You know I keep changing what I want this blog to be. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t care about success. I do love validation but I hate driving myself insane when I don’t get enough likes or views. I hate the feeling I’m always doing the wrong thing. Some people are lucky in this world and some are not. I shouldn’t be so negative but when I don’t care it relieves the pressure a little, I don’t feel that much of a loser for not meeting my goals. I know I’m part of my failure but I know a lot of it has to do with luck.

I’m sad. I think that’s why I have been writing all day. I just want to scream. It’s hard to explain the sadness. It’s not like I’m crying a lot because I’m not but I just don’t feel like myself and I don’t feel like doing anything but writing oddly and watching rom coms.

Obviously most of my sadness stems from my brother leaving. It’s probably is where all my sadness stems. I feel like I have no one now. I don’t have many people I can call friends anymore. I could always call my brother no matter what and now he’s gone and I know it’s only three months but that’s a long fucking time.

I do like being alone most of the time. I think that’s probably why I don’t have many friends. I get along with a lot of people and I know there are plenty of people who call me their friend but to be honest I don’t feel strong in any of my friendships. They all feel like I’m only the convenient friend sometimes or maybe I’ve just outgrown them. I don’t know.

Enough about my brother but I haven’t really talked about it with anyone. I don’t want to because I fucking hate talking to people about my feelings because they always say the stupidest shit that honestly makes me feel worse. So I don’t say anything, I just keep it all inside. The only person I can talk to is Jaime and he doesn’t know what to say but it’s perfect. I don’t want him to say anything.

My job is cool. I mean it’s not a dream to work there but I don’t hold a high importance it. It’s not a key part of my survival, so there is no stress. Management and my coworkers piss me off sometimes but I keep it my head that I have a goal in mind. The job is easy. I just have to keep trucking.

I thought about what to do after Jaime and I’s big trip. (We changed the plan of a van, we are thinking about backpacking in Asia) I always go back and forth on Jaime and I moving in with my mom and just paying all our debts and saving for a house. I have come up with a new idea of going back to school and trying to get into law school. I’m so scared of student debt and rightfully so but man this world makes it so hard to be something without a piece of paper that says you are smart. I really hope there is going to be a serious change in this world because we all need it. (Maybe not the rich but everyone at the bottom and in the middle need a change)

Another revelation that I came to is I want to live in LA. I felt this way for a long time but I really think I’m up for it. I hate traffic but they have a better public transportation than where I’m living and I thought I was over cities but I’m not. I was just over San Francisco.

I don’t know if I will be able to do any of these things but I’m just putting it out there. I hope it will give me more motivation. I hope I don’t quit. Sooner or later I won’t be able to afford to quit my dreams or stability.

Anyway on a super small note, I read my whole blog today and some of the things I wrote about politics of the birth of this blog is high key embarrassing. I didn’t write any fucked up conservative propaganda but I was a true liberal. That’s beside the point but I don’t understand why I go in my explore page on WordPress and I’m often shown conservative pages or posts. I’m not a conservative and I will never be a conservative. I don’t fuck with conservatives. I’m only for politics that are for all people not the ones that fit my personal agenda. I will say this one time and one time only. If you support Donald Trump still (I have some understanding why people supported him in the beginning because of his populist rhetoric he was spewing but you should know he’s lying by now) YOU are a piece is shit and a fascist.

Black Wigan

I never really advocate for social media activism but I don’t know what struck a cord in me that day. There was once a point in my life that I was I guess you can say disgusted my homeless people. I thought they were lazy people who didn’t want to look for a job. That was when I was in high school and before I learned life is a lot more complicated, people are a lot complicated than that. I remember when I was living in SF and I told myself I would stop ignoring homeless people. If I didn’t have to money or if I didn’t want to give them money I’ll let them know but I would stop just ignoring their presence like most people do. I found out a lot of people sometimes just want conversation. Honestly it was heartbreaking because a lot of us don’t even see them as people but for the most part homeless people are just like us (people who have homes) but under different circumstances. Life didn’t dealt them with the privilege that I know I have. So it fucking angers me when people say some stupid shit about homeless people because they don’t take a second of the day to do research or even have an ounce of empathy/sympathy. It’s disgusting to me. People can have different views but at least be fucking educated about. I’m tired of people talking out of their asses and also when having a civil conversation, try and keep it that way instead of low blows of telling me I don’t belong in the town I grew up and calling me flat out a black Wigan (just call me a nigger because we all know you are thinking about it) I’m tired of this divide but I will forever tired of ignorance.

Symbolism

There was once a time where I thought I wanted to be an activist. So I would do research and research till I was engulfed, consumed by information. I’m still guilty of this but there comes a point in which my anxiety takes over and it gets the best of me. I can’t think of anything else and I become in my own depression. I’m in one of those right now. I had to cleanse myself off social media just for a little while so I can collect my thoughts on current events.

I have to say something somewhere though.

The American flag. The biggest controversy since Colin Kaepernick decided to kneel a year ago during the national anthem.

A lot of people are claiming it’s disrespectful to people who serve in the military and police (I really honestly don’t get the police part) It’s disrespectful to people who fought for our rights.

What?!?!?!

It’s honestly the most hypocritical thing I have ever heard. What do you think a country with free speech and the right to assembly would ensure? People who disagree with the protest of kneeling, should we take the ones who died in vain? Isn’t standing up for what you believe in and what’s right the most American thing you can do?

The flag is a symbol of nationalism not vets. A symbol of what America is suppose to be. A country where dreams come true. A country where you can come and not be judged for your race, gender, creed, and etc. A country where you could build yourself and be anything you want.

Sadly this isn’t a reality for most.

I’m not saying I’m not grateful for the rights I have. I’m glad to not be  living in a country with a caste system or a communist country with a fascist regime. But America is not what is seems. It’s a place of false hope and a place with broken systems.

There are people in America living in third world conditions. Adults who can’t read. Education that’s below subpar. People who can’t get a job. People who don’t have the resources to better themselves. People confessing to crimes they didn’t commit to go back home to realize their life will never be the same and dealing with consequences for a crime they never committed. People being murdered on the streets by people who are suppose to serve and protect us. People coming back from serving in war and committing  suicide at alarming rates. The list goes on and on.

What really gets me is the people who defend the “honor” of our flag are the same people who keep voting for men who cut down veterans benefits, increase the taxes for the middle class, vote against affordable health care, and give tax breaks to the wealthiest. These are the same people who wear American flag t-shirts, underwear, bikinis, and etc. leaving sweat marks and skid marks on their precious flag. The same people drunk as fuck on the forth of July drinking out of American flag cups and eating off American flag plates.

The same people who argue about any type of protest people of color do peacefully or violently but won’t say a word about protest of white supremacy.

I just wish people would just shove their fake patriotism up their asses and have empathy and open their eyes that their America isn’t many people’s America.

It’s just get’s me thinking what does America mean to these people? Because I’m starting to think it doesn’t include people that look like me.