Tuesday Afternoon

I don’t know what’s been going on with my life to be honest. I’m at a point where I hate everyone but my mom. Jaime and I have been getting in big fights everyday for about a week and it’s fucking awful. I don’t have much friends but the one I do have, she got butt hurt because I told her I wouldn’t be able to make it next week to do this painting thing. Maybe I misread it because texts tend to bring a lot of miscommunication but it didn’t seem like she was understanding but oh well.

I had an interview yesterday and it went well. I have a phone interview today and it would be a cool job to have because I won’t really work with anyone else and I would be styling people which is one of my secret dream jobs.

Jaime and I went to grab drinks and everything was going okay but I don’t know he just always finds a way to make me feel like shit. It feels like he never sees my point of view and he doesn’t try to communicate with me. I know relationships are hard and it isn’t sunshine and rainbows all the time but fuck.

I’m so fucking sick and tired of feeling like shit all the time. I don’t remember the last time I felt genuinely happy. It always seems to come in short waves. I even went to In N Out yesterday and I couldn’t enjoy it. I never mentioned this but I’m a huge stan of In N Out. No other burger compares. (Although I’m a fan of Shake Shack peanut butter burger. It’s not on the menu but it’s good I promise!)

I just hope I get this job but I don’t know I’m never to hopeful. I don’t want to get my hopes up if it doesn’t fall through. I don’t need anymore disappointment in my life. I have another interview on Thursday that pays a little more so wish me luck.

Sorry for being such a Debby downer lately but life has not been the brightest and it’s been really hard to see the light through the tunnel. One thing I am looking forward to is my brother is coming back from boot camp. I just hope he hasn’t changed much.

(Here are some photos of Jaime and I before we got in a fight)

Sunday Shopping and a little bit of racial profiling

Yesterday was really nice. After writing my post yesterday I felt very anxious. Honestly I really feel like a fucking loser back at square one. It’s not a good feeling. I know it takes time but fuck can I have my shit together already? I started to paint my house but it didn’t make me feel any better. I claim to be a home body but I hate being in the house all day. I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind. My mom invited me to go to Chino Hills for some shopping.

Everything was nice for the most part except for a small mishap at Marshall’s.

I don’t know how to say this but I pretty much experience racial aggressions everyday of my life. I usually ignore them because it’s not worth my time and honestly you just get use to it but yesterday I wasn’t in the mood.

I went into the dressing room to try on one item. The first odd thing is the dressing room attendant took the dress out of my hand examined the dress and told me it was cute and handed me a number. I didn’t see that as necessary but okay. I try it on and take some photos for the blog and get out of the dressing room. The lady was helping another person when I got out and told me I had to wait because she had to check me out. I didn’t understand I had one item that I clearly still had in my hand. I told her she was tripping and then I left. She followed me for a little bit too but I guess gave up. There was no need to check me out especially since you already scoped what I had and I had one item.

I’m always for the worker. I know how shitty these jobs can be but if you take the time out of your day to be disrespectful best believe it’s not going to be pretty.

It got worse when I told my mom about it and my mom don’t play. I bet the whole store heard her yell at this lady for racial profiling me.

Anyway I got a lot of cute things yesterday and for the most part the day was great. I’m glad as the days go on I’m getting closer and closer to my mom. I hate that it took losing a pregnancy to realize how much my mom truly is a ride or die. I hate that I didn’t appreciate my mom as much as before but I’m trying to make up for lost time. Until next time my friends but here are some photos of the things I got yesterday.

Wednesday Afternoon

Whew my friends life has been rough and beautiful at the same time.

Yesterday was my birthday and I didn’t do much other than go to a brewery, get drunk and then pass out. Jaime and I went to Rosarito on Monday for my birthday which was really nice.

Jaime and I were in a rough spot for a couple of weeks. We haven’t been seeing eye to eye. It was nice having the time to talk and spend time together. It almost felt like falling in love in the beginning but better because we already know each other. No bullshit.

I just want to say that I really love Mexico and forgot how much I loved Mexico. It’s not even that far, about a two hour drive. My family use to go to Mexico all the time when I was younger. We stopped going when the whole cartel situation got really bad.

Anyway the rough stuff is Hemet isn’t really working out. I do like Hemet and I think all the shit talking about it is blatant classism. I also don’t live in a bad area. Is there a lot of homelessness where I live? Yes but I literally forgot to lock my door and left it wide open for hours and not one thing was stolen.

Hemet isn’t working out because roommates. I just have a problem with people who don’t hold themselves at the same standard. I understand she stressed or whatever but it’s been constant lately and I’m honestly over it after the shit she pulled yesterday. I told Jaime I don’t want to live here anymore and that’s it. I already talked to my mom and it’s done.

It was my birthday yesterday and for the most part I don’t care if people forget or what not but my in-laws didn’t say a word to me. I’m done trying to be okay with their blatant disrespect. It’s not like this is the only thing they have done to me. Every family event, they never include me and say “oh we didn’t know she was coming.” Jaime and I have been married almost a year and I have been a significant person in his life for three years and it seems to be getting worse and not better and I have came to a conclusion that I don’t need that in my life. I have stayed so neutral and kind because of Jaime but I can’t do it anymore.

I won’t put up with bullshit anymore. I’m too old and bitter for it.

Sunday Morning

The days have grown longer and harder to deal with. I’ve worked at my new job for three weeks and it already sucking my soul. I’m in a new town with no friends or family.

But I have you.

Although lately I feel like we have been drifting. I’m trying to rewire myself because I feel like everything sucks. Throwing pity parties are my specialty.

I look at your face when you are sleeping and it’s like you knew. You didn’t even open your eyes, you just pulled me into you.

And just for a second I realize, everything is going to be alright.

Everything is alright.

I miss my brother

I’m laying in my mother’s bed in my childhood home thinking about how we got here.

My brother left for boot camp on Monday and I can’t help but to feel fucking sad. I wish I could be eloquent and create beautiful metaphors about my sadness but I can’t. I’m fucking tired and sad feeling lost in a world that no one understands me.

I wasn’t always close to my brother. Growing up, we were notorious for beating the shit out of each other but at the same time, we were all we had.

It really changed when I moved back into Murrieta from San Francisco. I was in my peak of alcoholism and I had no one. Sure I had my mom but it’s hard talking to your parents about how fucked up you are. You never want your parents to know how bad you are fucking up. Also I’m distant as hell. I didn’t say what was on my mind but I didn’t have to. My brother saw me cry way too many times. He never asked me what was wrong, he didn’t have to. He was just always there.

Eventually I did start talking to him and opened up and I could honestly call him my best friend. He drives me insane but everyone drives me insane.

I’m so scared to lose my best friend. I just know he isn’t going to be the same person and maybe that will be a good. I don’t know but I love my brother the way he is. I just don’t want him to lose his carefree goofy ways. His way of understanding the world. I just don’t want to lose him as he is.

Maybe I’m being dramatic as fuck because I do have a tendency of doing that but this shit hurts so bad. I am proud of him but I just wished he did something else, tried to do something else. Ultimately though people life’s decisions are never your own. I did get a phone call from my brother and he sounded terrified. The call was only ten seconds.

I just can’t wait until three months are up.

January 14 2019

I imagined today

I would cook the cheap pieces of steak

That’s been in our freezer for a mouth

With butter and mushrooms

And shallots

Salt and pepper

In a pan

Medium heat

Cooked half way

Tucked in a puff pastry

Baked to a golden brown

Slowly unraveling the pieces in you

In my hand

In my mouth

Tearing you down into pieces

With my teeth

Shredding you into fragments that

Make sense

Fragments easier to break down

To digest

To get every word, every syllable

Every roll of the tongue

Every bit of you

A Christmas Story

I waited anxiously for you outside the Embarcadero center. The BART was running late, you were on your way from your apartment in Oakland.

This was the first time we were going to hang out. It had been months of back and forth but I finally gave in. There was a magnetic force between us that could only be felt. No matter how much I pulled back, I always felt the whiplash of becoming closer to you. I didn’t want any part of it. I didn’t want any part of you. I felt myself bursting at the seams and I didn’t want you involved. Vulnerability is the enemy but I couldn’t help it. I was lonely and somehow you filled my void like a puzzle.

There you were, running up the stairs from BART. With your moppy brown hair that was always covered with a backwards hat, chapped lips, frail figure, and the iconic double denim outfit. I couldn’t help but smile every time I saw you.

You saw my smile and smiled back. You brought me close and embraced. He said “Sorry I was late. The BART is unpredictable.” I replied “Tell me about.” He laughed slightly and said “So what did you want to do?”

“I was thinking about going ice skating but when I got here for some reason the rink here is closed.”

“We can walk to the one downtown it’s not too far.”

“Yeah that would be nice me.”

We started to walk up Market. At first there was uncomfortable silences. You were still a stranger but with time it was easier to unravel you. We talking about our dreams of seeing the world, our love of writing and our favorite bands. The magnetic force made more sense with every word that spilled from your mouth. I hung on every word. I wanted to know you. I wanted you. It just wasn’t so easy.

We get to the ice rink downtown. It was my first Christmas in San Francisco and I hadn’t seen anything like it. A cityscape of tall building. Snowflake lights on every light pole. A huge Christmas tree outside of Macy’s covered in red and gold ornaments.

I couldn’t look up from the sky, the building, and the tree. It was what I envisioned my whole entire life. City dreams but in real time. I got lost until you said “You have a beautiful smile.” I locked eyes on him. I said “We should buy our tickets and get our skates. We don’t have much time until midnight.”

He bought the tickets for ice skating. I told him I could buy my own but he insisted. We sat down and tied up the rented ice skates.

You went on the ice first. I could tell it wasn’t your first time. I never have been ice skating. You could tell because I ended up falling a couple of times. After the third time, you reached your hand out to me. Your hand was soft and warm, comfort, everything I wasn’t but you smiled at me anyway.

We skated arm to arm. I had never felt so close to you, to anyone. We talked about our families. We talked about the upcoming holiday and how lonely it could be in the city. I didn’t feel alone anymore.

It was 11:20 and the last BART to Oakland left at 11:30. We rushed to get to the Powell Muni/BART station. We hugged goodbye and went our different ways. I hopped on the last L and by the time I got to West Portal, I had five text messages and three missed calls.

“Hey babe what are you up to?”

“Are you busy.”

“Why are you ignoring me?”

“Babe please I don’t understand why you aren’t texting me back.”

“Okay well I love you.”

None of them were from you. I started to cry because I wish one of them were. I wished I could let go, for the sake of me and him. I wished I could be free of the monsters inside of me. I wish I could be free on the infidelity.

Instead I text you and say “Sorry! I went out with a friend and left my phone at home. I love you babe.” Still wishing you were someone else.