Sunday Morning

The days have grown longer and harder to deal with. I’ve worked at my new job for three weeks and it already sucking my soul. I’m in a new town with no friends or family.

But I have you.

Although lately I feel like we have been drifting. I’m trying to rewire myself because I feel like everything sucks. Throwing pity parties are my specialty.

I look at your face when you are sleeping and it’s like you knew. You didn’t even open your eyes, you just pulled me into you.

And just for a second I realize, everything is going to be alright.

Everything is alright.

I miss my brother

I’m laying in my mother’s bed in my childhood home thinking about how we got here.

My brother left for boot camp on Monday and I can’t help but to feel fucking sad. I wish I could be eloquent and create beautiful metaphors about my sadness but I can’t. I’m fucking tired and sad feeling lost in a world that no one understands me.

I wasn’t always close to my brother. Growing up, we were notorious for beating the shit out of each other but at the same time, we were all we had.

It really changed when I moved back into Murrieta from San Francisco. I was in my peak of alcoholism and I had no one. Sure I had my mom but it’s hard talking to your parents about how fucked up you are. You never want your parents to know how bad you are fucking up. Also I’m distant as hell. I didn’t say what was on my mind but I didn’t have to. My brother saw me cry way too many times. He never asked me what was wrong, he didn’t have to. He was just always there.

Eventually I did start talking to him and opened up and I could honestly call him my best friend. He drives me insane but everyone drives me insane.

I’m so scared to lose my best friend. I just know he isn’t going to be the same person and maybe that will be a good. I don’t know but I love my brother the way he is. I just don’t want him to lose his carefree goofy ways. His way of understanding the world. I just don’t want to lose him as he is.

Maybe I’m being dramatic as fuck because I do have a tendency of doing that but this shit hurts so bad. I am proud of him but I just wished he did something else, tried to do something else. Ultimately though people life’s decisions are never your own. I did get a phone call from my brother and he sounded terrified. The call was only ten seconds.

I just can’t wait until three months are up.

January 14 2019

I imagined today

I would cook the cheap pieces of steak

That’s been in our freezer for a mouth

With butter and mushrooms

And shallots

Salt and pepper

In a pan

Medium heat

Cooked half way

Tucked in a puff pastry

Baked to a golden brown

Slowly unraveling the pieces in you

In my hand

In my mouth

Tearing you down into pieces

With my teeth

Shredding you into fragments that

Make sense

Fragments easier to break down

To digest

To get every word, every syllable

Every roll of the tongue

Every bit of you

A Christmas Story

I waited anxiously for you outside the Embarcadero center. The BART was running late, you were on your way from your apartment in Oakland.

This was the first time we were going to hang out. It had been months of back and forth but I finally gave in. There was a magnetic force between us that could only be felt. No matter how much I pulled back, I always felt the whiplash of becoming closer to you. I didn’t want any part of it. I didn’t want any part of you. I felt myself bursting at the seams and I didn’t want you involved. Vulnerability is the enemy but I couldn’t help it. I was lonely and somehow you filled my void like a puzzle.

There you were, running up the stairs from BART. With your moppy brown hair that was always covered with a backwards hat, chapped lips, frail figure, and the iconic double denim outfit. I couldn’t help but smile every time I saw you.

You saw my smile and smiled back. You brought me close and embraced. He said “Sorry I was late. The BART is unpredictable.” I replied “Tell me about.” He laughed slightly and said “So what did you want to do?”

“I was thinking about going ice skating but when I got here for some reason the rink here is closed.”

“We can walk to the one downtown it’s not too far.”

“Yeah that would be nice me.”

We started to walk up Market. At first there was uncomfortable silences. You were still a stranger but with time it was easier to unravel you. We talking about our dreams of seeing the world, our love of writing and our favorite bands. The magnetic force made more sense with every word that spilled from your mouth. I hung on every word. I wanted to know you. I wanted you. It just wasn’t so easy.

We get to the ice rink downtown. It was my first Christmas in San Francisco and I hadn’t seen anything like it. A cityscape of tall building. Snowflake lights on every light pole. A huge Christmas tree outside of Macy’s covered in red and gold ornaments.

I couldn’t look up from the sky, the building, and the tree. It was what I envisioned my whole entire life. City dreams but in real time. I got lost until you said “You have a beautiful smile.” I locked eyes on him. I said “We should buy our tickets and get our skates. We don’t have much time until midnight.”

He bought the tickets for ice skating. I told him I could buy my own but he insisted. We sat down and tied up the rented ice skates.

You went on the ice first. I could tell it wasn’t your first time. I never have been ice skating. You could tell because I ended up falling a couple of times. After the third time, you reached your hand out to me. Your hand was soft and warm, comfort, everything I wasn’t but you smiled at me anyway.

We skated arm to arm. I had never felt so close to you, to anyone. We talked about our families. We talked about the upcoming holiday and how lonely it could be in the city. I didn’t feel alone anymore.

It was 11:20 and the last BART to Oakland left at 11:30. We rushed to get to the Powell Muni/BART station. We hugged goodbye and went our different ways. I hopped on the last L and by the time I got to West Portal, I had five text messages and three missed calls.

“Hey babe what are you up to?”

“Are you busy.”

“Why are you ignoring me?”

“Babe please I don’t understand why you aren’t texting me back.”

“Okay well I love you.”

None of them were from you. I started to cry because I wish one of them were. I wished I could let go, for the sake of me and him. I wished I could be free of the monsters inside of me. I wish I could be free on the infidelity.

Instead I text you and say “Sorry! I went out with a friend and left my phone at home. I love you babe.” Still wishing you were someone else.

Happy Birthday

I never thought I would get married. It’s something that I’ve always wanted but after a four year relationship, I didn’t think love was real. At least not for me. My ex was bad but I wasn’t quite an angel either. I felt the love I had for my ex, if it even was love, was superficial. Even the guys after my ex never felt right. I love the attention but dating in your 20s just felt like a fucking game.

But then I met you. You took me by surprise. I can’t even explain the feeling when I first met you. I just knew I needed you in my life. I don’t know maybe it was limerence but it hasn’t gone away.

You have been the most supportive person in my life so far. The only person I trust with everything. You are my best friend. You are my muse. You are my lover. I would give you the world if I could. Happy Birthday.