I’m Back

It’s been a very long time my friends and for that I have to apologize. I have been very overwhelmed with life. Living with my sister in law in Hemet California took a lot from me. Moving back in with my mom took my pride away. Being pregnant has took a lot emotional and physically out of me. Becoming a college student has made me doubt myself more than ever. My new job, although not as stressful as previous jobs, has also done a number on me.

I’m finally feeling a little bit more balanced in my life. It’s been hard work just trying to be okay with myself and my progress, to grieve over past relationships, and just trying to enjoy life. I think I’m finally happy. I’m starting to realize that sometimes progress comes slowly, sometimes it’s okay to ask for help. Happiness is not an end goal but something you continuously have to work for.

Enough with the philosophical bullshit, I think I’m ready to start writing more often like I was before my hiatus.

To catch you guys on my life during my hiatus, I’m five months pregnant already and it’s fucking wild. My first trimester of pregnancy sucked. I lost weight from not being able to keep much down and just not having an appetite in general. I was tired all the time and work just fucking sucked the living soul out of me. I do think overall pregnancy has given me a new sense of thought of positivity that I definitely didn’t have pre-pregnancy. Although my family nor my husband don’t believe it, I feel like I have become a more patient person, less angry at the world.

My second trimester has been more of smooth sailing. I can feel my baby kicking at times and it’s the most surreal feeling ever. I wish I could properly explain it. I found out the sex of my baby at fourteen weeks to find out it was wrong at twenty one weeks. I wasn’t too upset because I’ve been trying to be gender neutral as possible when shopping for clothes and things.

I do want to bring up another positive affect pregnancy has brought into my life is that just maybe I really don’t need alcohol or weed in my life. I was so dependent on them that I really felt like I needed them to function, to be okay with life. Being forced sober realize maybe all that shit was in my head. I don’t know maybe it’s also the increase of hormones in my body that has made me feel so fucking different about everything.

Some anxieties I’m having about pregnancy is my healthcare. I do have health insurance but I do need to change it quickly. If I don’t I will be left with a $12,000 bill after I give birth and we all know I ain’t got that kind of money. It’s been so crazy though. Jaime and I tried to apply for Medi-Cal just for the baby and was denied because we made to much so then we applied for Medi-Cal Access (Which is like Medi-Cal but for people who’s health insurance deductible is too high and also for people with “middle class” incomes but for only pregnancies) and then was denied because our income is too low. Make it make sense!

I’m also having anxiety from wondering if I will be a good parent. Will I do the right thing? Will I lead my child down the right path? Or will I just fuck them up? Everyone’s idea of being a good parent is so fucking different and I wish there was proper guidance but people really didn’t lie when they said people have no clue what they are doing.

I think this is the best recap I can give at the moment. So much has happened, so much time has passed but I’m going to try and keep writing often. I do need something for me and still make time for me and I have missed it.