Day 26: Your Hidden Talent
I just want to start off by saying sorry I haven’t been writing much. I have been very anxious and depressed lately. Shit just sucks lately. I’m starting to get out of my rut though.
I think I’ve been avoiding this post too because I don’t feel like I have a hidden talent. I hide the things I like to do which is write and draw so I’ll just say that. Writing and drawing is my hidden talent but I’m not great at either one of them.
Day 6: What are you afraid of?
I’ve always been afraid of heights. I don’t know what it is but I hate being up high. I even went skydiving to get over this fear and let me tell you it didn’t work.
On a sad existential type of afraid tip, I’m scared of getting a divorce or losing my husband. No one will understand how much I love my husband and if things were to go south, I would completely lose it. Maybe that not healthy but he’s the greatest friend I have ever had, the greatest lover, my ride or die. This shit I feel is serious and I NEVER thought I would ever feel this way.
Enough with the cornball shit, I’m so scared of failing that I don’t even challenge myself and I hate it. I mean that also falls along the line that I’m scared to be super poor. Like I am poor don’t get me wrong but I have a very supporting family, always a place to stay and always something to eat. I pay my bills on time. I get to do nice things sometimes. I know a lot of people don’t have that support system but I also don’t like depending on people. It’s a stupid thing to do. So I take the easiest route, the stress free route and it’s honestly stupid but it’s hard. Hard to break out of comfort.
The fire started in 2016
I see the burning embers
In your eyes
Burning my idea of what I thought
You embrace me striking more heat
Feeling and feeding the flames
That I can feel at the ends of my hair
To the tips of my toes
The orchids you bought me
I tried watering it more
Watering it less
Trying different soil
Buying flower food
We sat in silence in your mom’s van.
I tried my hardest not to let the tears roll down my cheek, but I failed. I didn’t want to show you anymore weakness or vulnerability, but I failed.
I stared down at my feet and said
“Well I guess you got to go.”
You were staring at me but I couldn’t dare to look at you.
I opened the van door and you said “Wait”
I looked back at you and you pulled me in for a kiss. You didn’t care that my nose was running all over your mouth. You didn’t let go.
You whispered in my ear “I love you a lot as a friend, as a lover, as whatever you want. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
You kissed me one more time and I finally left the van, Wondering when I would finally leave you
The first time I saw you, I swear I felt this way before but not with you. I couldn’t explain it, an instant connection that shook my bones. I didn’t want love. I just wanted to go all over the world with me, myself and I but I couldn’t resist. I did stay away for awhile and you made it easy because you were quiet, never saying too much until one night. Our coworker is a local rapper and invited both of us to go to his show. I wasn’t going to go because the last time I got so drunk and threw up in a friend’s truck and ran into my coworker’s screen door but for reasons unknown I changed my mind.
I was a little tipsy because I always got nervous around my coworkers. I could never be myself for the sake of professionalism and my private nature. I don’t know where it came from but I came up to at the bar and said I had a crush on you. You just smiled and said me too. We went to Denny’s later that night. I told you I didn’t think love was real. You told me that your ex girlfriend just broke up with you three weeks ago.
I thought that was going to be it. We were coworkers and you were getting over a break up but it wasn’t. You texted me a random day during the week and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said sure but from that day I was hooked. We were hanging out once a week, then every other day to everyday. I didn’t know what we were doing and at the time I didn’t care much. I just enjoyed being with someone and I couldn’t remember feeling that way. I had been in love once but I forgot how it felt to be kissed and to actually feel something, to be held in someone else arms, to be romantic, to actually feel love.
We eventually talked about what we were doing. You weren’t ready and neither was I. I was still traveling all over: Alaska, Las Vegas, Arizona, Texas, New Mexico, Washington and Oregon. I was also planning to ditch my life and hike the Appalachian trail and you were still in love with someone else.
I didn’t know how hard it would get or how hard I would fall but it did and I did. For months I kept denying myself but I knew I was in love, I knew I wanted to be with you. You kept burning me over and over again. “I’m not ready.” “I still think about her sometimes.” “We are just friends.”
I wanted to be strong enough to say fuck you and leave but I loved you, I love you. A small part of me knew you loved me too, you love me. I was right. One late night you looked at me and said I’m sorry. I’m ready to focus on us. I haven’t looked back since.