I know it’s been awhile. It’s been mostly because my phone broke and I have been lazy and stressed. Going back to school and all the stupid shit you have to do, will put a damper on you. I’m still not use to my phone also.
Anyway I haven’t been up to much. My life has been very plain, just work and home and some drinking in between.
Although last week Jaime and I went to La Jolla and went kayaking. It was really nice. We got to see dolphins and go into the La Jolla caves. I really don’t like physical activity but kayaking is cool. I would do it again.
An update on work is it’s still cool. I really like being alone. I just feel useless here sometimes. I really don’t do shit 85% of the time. It all feels like a waste of time. These sale goals that they put on you too is a bit ridiculous. I just don’t care that much anymore. I kinda want to find a new job, one with better hours and better pay
I’m going to be a fucking mom!
I know I’m kind of jumping the gun here. I found out last night and wanted to tell someone, so why not my blog audience. I’m waiting to tell friends and family this time.
I’m excited. I’m nervous. I just hope everything works out this time.
The feeling has came over me again
Am I capable of love?
So I find a man to prey on
A couple drinks and a couple laughs
A couple kisses and gropes
leading to their bedroom
nights filled with ecstasy
I feel the release of anxiety
This is love
I leave all calls unanswered and texts left on read
Until I need the release again
Words could never
express the way I feel
The emotions that overcome me when I see you
even only after a few hours
When your lips touch mine
Also the moments of insecurity
Will this last?
Is this real?
These emotions are just as strong
I had a friend who said
Never give your heart away
until you say I do
I understand now
You forget the times you spent together and what they meant to you, maybe even the vows you took on a special day. You get lost between the commute times and non linking schedules. So you get sucked in by that one cute coworker that always tells you, you look nice and keeps asking you to happy hour. You can’t remember the last time your significant other said you looked nice or even took you out. Hell when was the last time you guys had sex? So you finally accept an offer to happy hour. You giggle at all your coworker’s jokes and have too many Moscow mules. They lean in closer to you and you didn’t expect it but they kiss you and you let them. You let them lead you to their apartment ripping each others clothes one by one. Heaving breathing, heaving petting. It’s done. You cum but now you feel empty. You put on your clothes explain you got to go. Driving home to place you made a home with another person. You can’t even look them in their face when they say “How was your day babe?” They might not know it now but sooner or later they’ll find out the loyalty is gone. The trust is finshed. If you are lucky you’ll fight it through but the look on their face when you go out with your friends or go on a little grocery trip or to the gym by yourself will never fade.
My boyfriend and I are regulars at a local wing place. We get along with the bartenders on a lower aquatinted level. An other bartender had walked, I wasn’t aware she quit. The other bartender commented that she got a REAL career. It made me sad.
I had just listen to this podcast by NPR about getting unstuck. That a lot of us are unhappy with our jobs and lives and not doing what makes us happy for numerous things no for scene opportunities or money opportunities, quote on quote getting stuck. That we aren’t willing to struggle or compromise for our dreams.
I’ve been guilty of this most of my life. Every time I had a friend get a job out of the customer service field I would say “she got a real girl job!” I’m disappointed I ever said that.
I told myself recently that I would write everyday, save for little workshops and next year apply for Fafsa and do school online, it will be my first year as a non dependent. Hello 25!!!
As of recently my job doesn’t make me unhappy and it pays the bill. I can survive. It’s not my dream but I’m working on that and it’s fine. It may take awhile but it’s fine at least I’m trying.
I just wished everyone believed that.
I remember like it was yesterday, sitting across from you at Denny’s after our friends rap show. You were telling me about your ex girlfriend that broke up with you about three weeks ago. I was telling you that I felt relationships were a waste of time anyway.
About a week later you asked if you could take me out because you forgot your card at the show and I paid for you. I said yes and it was a long night of being too honest and maybe too much beer. You kissed me and I was surprised. I rode my bike home wondering what to think of the situation.
A few weeks later still confused we ended up in a hotel room. You looked into my eyes and said “You’re my best friend. Don’t be scared.” I knew I wasn’t confused, I was falling for you.
It turned into months of seeing each other everyday. We went to a bar one night and I asked “What are we doing?” Your face sunk and you said “I don’t know I’m still not over her.” I cried, anticipating the moment you would want to be with me.
I once read an article that to become a better writer you have to grab cocktails so I did. (Maybe too many)
Janiece is my best friend. I don’t know how we are friends. When we first met about two years ago we were complete opposites, still are really. She was a shy innocent virgin and me, not so much. My true yin to my yang.
A lot has happened in between those two years where we practically swapped. I dragged her to a lot of bars (she enjoyed it a lot) and I ended up surprisingly falling in love. (We both didn’t think it was going to happen) She is my true yin to my yang.
She starts the conversation about the many men of her life and how they all stress her out. She really doesn’t know what she wants but she likes the attention and sex. I could relate. The only conversation I could really bring to the table of wanting a family and thinking about pursuing writing.
The drinks keep flowing and we bring up memories of my drunkish foolishness and her growing up. The memories that brought us closer together.
In the beginning of the drinks we said we weren’t going to 1909. The last time we went to 1909 Janiece told a cute bartender that she was going to fuck the shit out of him (if he heard her I don’t know but probably) and she also fell down in the bathroom and threw up. But the sangria there is really good and it wouldn’t be a Hannah and Janiece’s night without 1909.
When we went there and there was no hard feelings from last time. The bartenders we knew smiled and asked us how we were. It had been awhile. We saw the cute bartender. We tried to avoid contact but he made small conversation with us and it put us at ease. After a few more cocktails it was time to go home. We said our goodbyes and made our way to IN N OUT.
One cheeseburger for Janiece. One cheeseburger and two animal style fries for me.
It was time to go home.
I was feeling nolstagic and put Bryson Tiller on her Bluetooth speakers.
“This is the shit I don’t condone, Cheating on your man but you can get it if you want it.”
We sang along like every time before. We hadn’t seen each other in a month but nothing had changed. It was times like these that are priceless.