Home is a feeling

Lately I have been thinking about San Francisco a lot. I miss it but I miss the San Francisco I remember.

San Francisco has become an absolute shit show. I mean it has been decades in the making but it is now the most expensive places to live for no damn reason other than Silicon Valley that has destroyed the city and its culture.

Anyway I just miss that period in my life. I was a fucking mess, messier than I am now but the experience in San Francisco, the people I have met in San Francisco have truly shaped me.

I just miss being able to go out my door and seeing Ocean beach. I miss my apartment shaking because of the incoming L train that comes every twenty minutes. I miss taking walks from Fisherman’s wharf to North beach to eat Italian deserts with my friend Aaron. I miss making random friends at a fancy hat shop. I miss getting invited to bougie events. I miss the Applebee’s bartender that would take me to speakeasies and give me all the free cocaine I wanted.

I miss the messiness. I miss the excitement. I miss meeting eccentric new people.

The last time I went it was weird. The gentrification that is happening in the Sunset is fucking bizarre. Out of all my friends only one, yes one can afford to live in the city still.

They say home is a feeling. I can confirm that. It’s just hurts to know I can never go home again.

It’s been awhile

To be specific it’s been about two weeks since I have written anything. I have thought about it but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I’ve been just trying to get it together my friends because I did lose my shit. I lost my shit in a Big 5 parking lot. I was freaking out in Jaime’s car and he pulled into a Big 5 parking lot and I just fucking lost it.

I couldn’t stand it anymore, to be in a place where I’m not welcomed, in a town I know no one and it’s boring as fuck. I couldn’t stand that the dead end job I was in. It all became too fucking much.

So I left Hemet. I moved in with my mom and I feel better. I still have fucking rage and discontent for Jaime’s family. It’s concerning because I don’t know if it will go away but I guess all that matters is that I’m not losing my fucking mind.

I do feel concerned about money. I don’t have a job right now and Jaime isn’t really making money right now. It’s stressful. I’m still waiting on ASU but I might just do cosmetology school. I tell myself that I need to do something but continue to do nothing. I just can’t do that anymore. I fucking hate that I’m going to get myself in a shit ton of debt but I don’t know what else to do to be okay, to be comfortable.

The days have been okay but it’s been a lot of staying in and cleaning. I’ve also been hanging out with my mom a lot which has been nice. It’s been refreshing to be honest.

Jaime and I are doing okay. It’s just been weird. I don’t know why. I just hope things get better between us soon. I guess I couldn’t expect marriage to always be easy.

Wednesday Afternoon

I have actually gotten out of bed and out of my room without needing to actually do something my friends and it feels nice. It’s mostly because my sister in law is on spring break and my mother in law came over and I just don’t feel like dealing with it.

I walked down to a local coffee shop, even though I don’t drink coffee anymore, I bought a sandwich and played this Iphone game I’ve been obsessed with for awhile. It’s similar to candy crush but it has a legit story and some interior design involved.

I don’t know what it is about today but I feel better. Do I keep thinking about how shitty my life is right now? Sure but I’m a little hopeful. I finally paid the $70 application fee for school and that shit hurted. (I know this isn’t a word I did it intentional) I’m starting to stress about money a little bit. I know we should be fine but still. I hate stressing about money.

I keep thinking about my job I just quit. There were some elements that I liked. Customers were really nice. I did have very few cool coworkers. It got me to eat better and got me to cook more. I also realize rationalizing a hostile work environment is not good for me either. I do think it is a bit odd though when I quit I called the day after and talked to one of my mangers, Sara. I always liked her because she’s a legit a good person and one of the best managers I have had despite the shitty job. I mean she was really cool. She really knows how to communicate correctly, doesn’t dehumanize you. The way she said good bye was weird to me. It felt so nice and sincere. (Not saying it wasn’t but I did walk out of the place in the middle of my shift and that clearly doesn’t make for a nice clean good bye) I still don’t feel comfortable going there though and it’s the closest grocery store near by. I’m having Jaime drive me to Winco tonight to save me some anxiety.

I wanted my blog to be private but I don’t care anymore, I’m starting to question my relationship with Jaime’s family. When we first got together it wasn’t bad. I truly felt they were inviting. I don’t know what happened but then I felt I just started to get ignored by a lot of his family, so much so that no one in his family knows a thing about me. Just the things I post on Instagram which let’s be honest is all performative bullshit. It bothered me a little because I would go to his family events to be sitting in a corner the whole time being ignored while Jaime is being pulled in many different directions. I thought maybe I should be more outgoing but it’s not my fault I’m not super bubbly. I wasn’t made that way.

When we got married it got even worse. Small comments here and there. I think the worse time is when I went over to my other sister in laws house for a small gathering and Jaime’s mom said “I didn’t know she was coming.” So they only saved Jaime food. To put it in better perspective, I was already living with one of my sister in laws, (They all live about a ten minute radius from each other) I had no job, so why wouldn’t I come? Especially considering that I always go to family events even without Jaime.

I’m becoming a little more upset by my living situation too. Don’t get me wrong I moved out of my apartment because I wanted to save money and I needed a break so Jaime and I agreed to move in with my sister in law to help her out, with that being said I could of done the same thing and moved in with my mom which is honestly better to me because I know and love my mom. I love Jaime’s family and I do care about them because at the end of the day that’s my husband’s family but they have made an effort to show me I’m not part of their family.

When we first moved in, everything was cool. We did have a small hiccup because she said something stupid and insensitive about kids. Never did apologize for it but it’s whatever. Then about two months ago she keeps sending us these lists through texts of everything we are fucking up on, which was irritating because on these lists she would do some of these things. The time where I had enough is when she texted us on my birthday about moving our dogs to the garage. Maybe I’m too much but she already doesn’t have that great of air conditioning as it is and  (I have pugs and summers get well over 100 degrees in Hemet), there are rats and black widows. Why would I move my dogs in there. So I took my dogs to my mom’s house. She ignored us (especially me) for a month until we gave her extra money for the water bill that Jaime’s mom asked us to give her. (That’s another thing that’s fucking irritating. Jaime’s mom call Jaime asking him if we can pay $1000 instead of $600 because Jaime’s dad is running out of savings. Why on earth would I have left my apartment to pay $1000 for a room?)

It makes me upset that money is the only reason she started talking to me. She started talking to Jaime and sometimes she purposely only says hi to him. I literally have done nothing to her but move my dogs out because I didn’t want them staying in the garage.

I really do want to move out but I don’t want to screw her over. I know she’s stressed and overwhelmed but man so am I and I don’t take it out on people like that.

The good thing is I’m out. In one of the places that I love, the library. I’m going to spend the next hour reading Toni Morrison and although my life is a fucking scramble, shit will figure itself out.

I want to thank my readers out there who comment and tell me to keep writing and that things will be okay. I see you and appreciate you.

























Tuesday Afternoon

Life has been full of ups and downs. Mostly downs if I want to be real.

The past few days have kept me busy. On Sunday I went to the Millennium tour with my cousins.

(Only one cousin pictured)

It was cool. Yin Yang twins were the best performers but I’m so glad I got to finally see Lloyd live. Lloyd is probably my favorite r&b musician unless Partynextdoor counts.

Although I feel I overshared with my cousins. My family likes to talk and usually not in a positive light. It’s whatever. I’m really honestly fucking over it. People talk shit when you are doing good and when you are doing bad. What’s a girl to do? I’m a little concerned about one of my cousins. I knew she was going through it but she made it evident that day that she wasn’t okay.

On Monday, Jaime and I rented a yurt in Carlsbad.

It was really nice but I did for sure ended up drinking too much. I hate the person I become when I drink too much sometimes.

The best part was being by the beach. I don’t know but I always feel the most at ease when I’m at the beach. It’s the only thing that can convince me that everything is going to be okay.

I’m sorry guys. I feel like I’m being very vague and not very interesting. I just want to stay dedicated to writing because I need something to keep me sane because I feel like I’m losing my shit.

30 Day Blog Challenge Day 29

Day 29- A confession

I’m a pretty open book on here. I tend to over share everywhere. I don’t have much to hide.

I guess my confession is I do want to be famous. I’m narcissistic. I love fucking attention to a certain extent. I want to be interviewed. I want people to read books about me. It’s weird but honestly that’s a thing about me that I don’t really talk about.

30 Day Blog Challenge Day 28

Day 28- Most embarrassing moment

I have a lot to be honest. I think my most embarrassing moment is in middle school.

I had a huge crush on this guy. It was like an obsession to be honest. The only thing was he had a girlfriend. That didn’t stop me though. I wrote him a love letter and had my friends give it to him. The next day his girlfriend told me my letter was cute. I still haven’t recovered.

A MySpace bulletin board

  1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? 
  2. is your room messy or clean? Somewhere in between
  3. what color are your eyes? Brown
  4. do you like your name? why? Ive grown to like my name. I like it because it’s mine. I hate this question.
  5. what is your relationship status?  Married
  6. describe your personality in 3 words or less. Quirky, observant, nice
  7. what color hair do you have? A very dark brown
  8. what kind of car do you drive? color? Never had a car.
  9. where do you shop? Honestly everywhere.
  10. how would you describe your style? Eccentric.
  11. favorite social media account Instagram
  12. what size bed do you have? California King
  13. any siblings? Just one
  14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? Los Angeles because I’ve always been in love.
  15. favorite snapchat filter?  I don’t remember the last time I was on Snapchat so can’t answer.
  16. favorite makeup brand(s) Never wear any makeup
  17. how many times a week do you shower? I shower everyday, sometimes a twice a day. You do the math.
  18. favorite tv show? Sex and the city
  19. shoe size? 7 1/2
  20. how tall are you? 5’7″
  21. sandals or sneakers?  Sneakers
  22. do you go to the gym?  No lol.
  23. describe your dream date. Beach, drinks, weed, food
  24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? I don’t carry cash ever
  25. what color socks are you wearing?  Never wear socks. Yes I know it’s gross but they bother me so much.
  26. how many pillows do you sleep with? One
  27. do you have a job? what do you do?  I quit my job a few days ago
  28. how many friends do you have?  It feel like none at the moment.
  29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?  Cheat on a past significant other instead of just letting him go
  30. whats your favorite candle scent?  Clean scents
  31. 3 favorite boy names. Johnny, Aiden, Matthew
  32. 3 favorite girl names. Clementine, Genesis
  33. favorite actor?  Don’t have any that come to mind to be honest.
  34. favorite actress?  Same answer.
  35. who is your celebrity crush? Currently Bad Bunny.
  36. favorite movie?  Amelie
  37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?  Yes and that’s hard but I might have to say The Great Gatsby
  38. money or brains?  Money
  39. do you have a nickname? what is it?  Nope
  40. how many times have you been to the hospital? Honestly too much times to remember
  41. top 10 favorite songs. lol I’m not doing this one because it’s too much. I love music too much.
  42. do you take any medications daily?  nope
  43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) combination
  44. what is your biggest fear?  Failure
  45. how many kids do you want?  I hate this question for obvious reasons.
  46. whats your go to hair style? I wear a fro
  47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)  it’s a small cute house
  48. who is your role model?  I don’t believe in role models, everyone will let you down.
  49. what was the last compliment you received? I bought a random girl a brownie sundae yesterday and one of the workers said I was sweet.
  50. what was the last text you sent? AJ flaked on me lol
  51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? My parents never put me through that
  52. what is your dream car?  G Wagon
  53. opinion on smoking? Weed is the only thing anyone should smoke
  54. do you go to college?  I did go to college
  55. what is your dream job?  A writer
  56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?  Depends
  57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?  No
  58. do you have freckles?  Yes
  59. do you smile for pictures? Always
  60. how many pictures do you have on your phone? 8,089
  61. have you ever peed in the woods?  Probably
  62. do you still watch cartoons?  Nope
  63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? Never eaten at Wendy’s in my life
  64. Favorite dipping sauce?  Sweet and Sour
  65. what do you wear to bed?  Nothing
  66. have you ever won a spelling bee? Nope I’m a horrible speller
  67.  what are your hobbies? Writing, reading and drawing
  68. can you draw?  Somewhat
  69. do you play an instrument? No I wish
  70. what was the last concert you saw?  Kimya Dawson
  71. tea or coffee? Tea
  72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? Starbucks
  73. do you want to get married? I am
  74. what is your crush’s first and last initial? I’m rolling my eyes
  75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?  I’m married and haven’t changed my last name
  76. what color looks best on you?  Red
  77. do you miss anyone right now?  My brother
  78. do you sleep with your door open or closed? Closed
  79. do you believe in ghosts? I don’t know to be honest
  80. what is your biggest pet peeve?  Rude ass people
  81. last person you called my mom
  82. favorite ice cream flavor?  Vanilla
  83. regular oreos or golden oreos?  Regular Oreos
  84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?  Rainbow
  85. what shirt are you wearing?  I’m naked
  86. what is your phone background? A picture of me and my husband
  87. are you outgoing or shy? I wouldn’t say I’m shy but I’m not outgoing
  88. do you like it when people play with your hair? No
  89. do you like your neighbors? Don’t really know them but one of my neighbors bark late at night and early in the morning and it’s annoying
  90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? Not as much as I need to
  91. have you ever been high?  I’m high all the time
  92. have you ever been drunk?  Too many times to remember
  93. last thing you ate?  Lucky Charms
  94. favorite lyrics right now Passing out the pieces of me don’t you know nothing comes free
  95. summer or winter?  Winter
  96. day or night?  Day
  97. dark, milk, or white chocolate?  White
  98. favorite month?  Shucks I don’t have one
  99. what is your zodiac sign Pisces
  100.  who was the last person you cried in front of? My husband