Friday Afternoon

I feel like things are getting better slowly. I’m starting my new job on Monday and I’m excited. My brother leaves for combat training on Tuesday. It sucks because I won’t be able to be there to send him off but I spent all the time I could with him and it’s not that time yet! So I’m going to try and not be bummed.

So yesterday Jaime, my brother and I went to Oceanside. It’s been so long. Jaime and I use to go at least once a week but finances hasn’t been so strong lately but they are getting better.

We went to the beach first, had a few splashes of beer at Barrel Republic, and then ate too much at the sunset market.

Later on Jaime and I went to our favorite brewery and watched Game 1 of the Finals. I’m going for the Raptors because I’m fucking tired of watching the Warriors win. I’m also a fan of Kawhi Leonard. Anyway it was so nice seeing the Raptors win but I’m not too confident they could actually win the Finals.

Jaime and I are doing a lot better. I’m happy that things between us are going back to normal. The stress it causes me when we are fighting or not seeing eye to eye is truly unbearable.

Today I truly haven’t done much and probably won’t either. I’ve been feeling sick lately. I have body aches and my lymph nodes are swollen but no other symptom has hit me yet. I really want to get some tea though from this bougie tea and boba place that has been open for awhile in town but haven’t gone yet.

At the moment though I’m watching this new romcom on Netflix called Always Be My Maybe. It’s good so far if you like romcoms. Also it’s so San Francisco it’s painful. I really do miss San Francisco but I just know it’s not the same.

Until next time my friends!

Avocado Jones

It was about a week before the Jameson bartenders ball and you texted me out of the blue to be your date. I said yes but I was nervous. We hadn’t really established a true friendship, just a vain acquaintanceship. It didn’t help that you were a Regina George, a true Courtney Alice Shayne. 

I spent all day trying to find the perfect outfit to impress you. I just ended up saying fuck it and took the 48 to your house. Just to find out you were freaking out too. You couldn’t find a belt and didn’t want to be seen with me without a belt.

We ended up going to some posh bar on Valencia where the bartenders were as pretentious as the atmosphere.

You told me you were in love with the pretty boy bartender with the Macklemore haircut and rode a roadster bike.

I asked you “How many times have you been in love?”

You took the Rose Quartz that was around my neck and placed it on your forehead and started to cry.

You looked at me and said “I fall in love every single day.”

That exact moment is when I fell in love with you.

Tuesday Afternoon

Things seem to be looking up my friends. I got a job offer from all the places I got an interview with so I officially have a job but don’t know when I start.

I still have to figure out my school stuff but I feel better than I have in the past few months which that is progress my friends.

My brother came back from boot camp.

It’s so nice to have him back. My fear of his changing was for nothing. He’s exactly the same but with tons of stories.

That’s why I haven’t been writing much. Before he came back I tried to get a lot of things done around the house like taking out tile, painting and fixing up my room. None of these are done but I have gotten far and my body is still so sore.

The past few days have been family oriented which is a lot of me sitting on the couch watching my brother play video games and a lot of dinners out which has been nice.

My brother has to go back to Camp Pendleton for combat training and then goes to Rhode Island for his MOS training. He doesn’t know where he is getting stationed yet but I hope it’s not too far or a place that sucks like North Carolina. (Sorry to all the North Carolina people!)

There was a brief period where I really thought I was pregnant but I guess my period symptoms were on crack. Usually the only symptoms I get before my period are sore boobs and being moody. (I’m always moody though) This period was earlier that usual and I was constipated, bloated, and I suffered from swollen gums which I guess is a thing when you are pregnant.

I think every month that goes by I always think about the possibility of being pregnant and being a mom. I wasn’t really sad when I got my period but it just kinda of solidify that being a mom may never happen for me and it’s okay.

I feel myself sometimes distancing myself from Jaime. I still feel some type of way with his family situation. He has never defended me or even tried to talk to them about treating me better. Sometimes I feel like he cares about their feelings more than mine. As if he expects me to accept things just as they are.It’s been awhile since we argued but some of the things he has said during arguments hasn’t slipped my mind. I love him but sometimes I feel the respect for one another is not mutual. I think part of it is he’s been working a lot more that usual. It’s just been hard. Why are relationships so fucking hard?

I have also been thinking about forgiveness. I always felt forgiveness is the only way of being free in your mind and soul but I don’t see it that way anymore. I don’t see a problem with cutting people out my life who aren’t good for me. I still trying to figure out if that is a good way to live. I have been wrong about a lot of things in my life but I’m tired of excusing people’s shitty behavior. It has caused me more harm than good. I know people make mistakes and no one is perfect but I can’t surround myself around people who feel like they can’t do no wrong and can’t say sorry.

I don’t know my friends, I’m slowly figuring things out. I’m slowly healing myself back to a normal state.

My Abortion Story.

I have written about it but not really in detail because it is something that still hurts to think about.

It happened about a year ago.

My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for about six months. For awhile I really didn’t think I could get pregnant. I didn’t even know I was pregnant because I was bleeding the month I found out I was pregnant. It was lighter than usual so I decided to take a pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant. I downplayed the bleeding as implantation bleeding because it was so light

I was really excited but scared at the same time. I was already shopping for things at baby r us and a boutique in Laguna Beach. I didn’t tell anyone but a few friends and my mom just in case something happened and something happened.

I was at work one day and I went to the bathroom and when I got up there was a lot of blood. I started to freak out. I told my managers that I had to leave and Jaime picked me up to go to the ER.

I go to the ER and I get an ultrasound and a transvaginal. One thing that upset me is the doctor in the ER was going to send me home before he got the results from the transvaginal. I was told that the doctor thought I was having a miscarriage and that it was so early on that they couldn’t see the baby and it would explain the bleeding. Just before I left I saw the technician run to tell the ER doctor that she needed to speak with him. He comes to tell me I’m having a tubular pregnancy and would have to wait for the emergency OBGYN.

I waited for hours and when I say hours it was about seven. When I got to see the OBGYN, he told me already what the ER told me earlier and that I should wait a couple days to see if anything changes because sometimes tubular pregnancy are misdiagnosed.

The next day I feel pain in my pelvis and go to the ER again. They did another transvaginal. They didn’t tell me much but I was scared because they put me in a hospital bed instead of making me wait in the ER waiting room like the day before. I was there for about two hours until they told me to follow up with an OBGYN the next day.

I go to an OBGYN and he suggests that I get a shot of methotrexate which is a nice way of a saying abortion. I didn’t have much options. You can not take a zygote that is developing in your Fallopian tube and put it in a uterus. It’s just not possible. If I didn’t get the shot of methotrexate I would literally fucking die.

The OBGYN sends me to the ER (a different one but a ER none the less) yet again for the methotrexate. I was yet again sitting in a hospital bed but I had my mom and Jaime by my side. The ER doctor comes and says it looks like you are hemorrhaging and I don’t know why the OBGYN suggested you get a shot of methotrexate. I think you may have to go into surgery. He told me he was going to try and reach the OBGYN to find out why they had reached that solution.

At that point I was fucking terrified. I was sitting there for about an hour when the ER doctor comes back and says that I’m stable enough to get the shot of methotrexate. A nurse comes in to give me info and I will never forget how she treated me.

She kept telling me I was going to kill my baby if I got the shot and kept asking if I was sure if I wanted to do it. Like bitch I’m going to fucking die if I don’t! The baby won’t survive either way so what other choice do I fucking have.

I got the shot of methotrexate and the first day wasn’t bad. I was just sad. The next three days I was in so much pain I could barely move. I sat on my couch for days just watching videos, crying on and off.

After the three days, the pain waned but I still bled about a month after.

I understand that my abortion isn’t from an unwanted pregnancy or what not. I understand that most people would support my decision except the government of Ohio. I don’t feel vengeful to the women who decided to end abortions because of an unwanted pregnancy. At the end of the day it’s no one’s business but theirs. My short term pregnancy has wrecked my body and I may be infertile. Imagine what long term pregnancies do to women.

Women are not baby incubators. The sad fact is the access to information on sex is lacking especially among the youth. A large if not all responsibility of birth control is put on women and they are expected to deal with the consequences not the other way around.

When unwanted babies are born especially the pro life crowd tends to forget about them. There is approximately 443,000 kids in foster care. It’s the same crowd that blocks LBGTQ parents from adoption.

How many kids go to sleep hungry? How many kids don’t have a place to call home? How many kids has the US put kids in cages for immigration cause or profit?h (juvenile hall)

I’m so tired of the war on women’s bodies and our ability to choose what we want for our lives. When will this shit end?

Saturday Afternoon

My friends, life seems to be looking up a little but my anxiety has not waned. I got accepted into ASU so I’m excited about that!

Not too excited to figure out how everything is going to be paid for but I’ll figure it out. I really need a laptop before the semester starts which is July 3rd but somehow I always manage to pull shit off. I have had a few interviews in the past few days but I’m not too hopeful of a positive outcome but I’m okay with that because right now things might not be great but I’m okay.

So the past few days have been of great highs and lows. I have been drinking more than usual which is never a good sign but I guess it could be worse.

The other day was one of my cousin’s birthday. We went to get ramen in San Diego. You could feel the tension between my Tia and my older cousin. You could cut that shit with a knife. My mom could tell the tension between Jaime and I.

For the most part the experience was good. I think we all irritate each other but at the end of the day we are all family and that’s all that matters.

The other day Jaime and I ended up at the brewery after a trip to the social security office. I’m officially an Ojeda! Only after a year of marriage. I guess our favorite breweries and a bunch of other local breweries were doing a craft week. If you get at least three stamps in this craft beer “passport”, you’ll get an enamel pin.

Well I got the pin but I also drank too much. Jaime and I ended up hanging out with one of his friends. I got into it with Jaime’s friend about abortion. He started to make a point about an abortion law in New York and I got upset because he was misinformed. I hate how a lot of men talk to women and act like they know everything after listening to a Joe Rogan podcast. I was fucking furious. I might have to do a whole other post about abortion because all this foolishness happening around America has made me feel some type of way. The way Jaime talked to me about it also made me very angry. But I was really drunk so I was able to let it go for the rest of the day.

(Here’s a picture of me getting stressed out when Jaime’s friend doesn’t break up his weed before smoking it)

When we got home I brought it up about how he spoke to me and he got really defensive. It got really bad. I didn’t talk to him for a day. I have never done that but I’m over being walked over and letting people get away with being shitty. I’m too old and bitter for it.

But last night surprisingly we found a way to communicate without yelling and without someone shutting down. Things are starting to look up because that is our biggest problem, communication.

Alright friends I’m about to go back to taking out tile off the floor. I’m a true DIYer. I made my mom some shoes the other day I have to take a picture of them because they came out really great. Anyway I’m also watching Pose which is so good. It reminds me of Paris is Burning and I know I bring that documentary up so much but it’s my true inspiration.

Tuesday Afternoon

I don’t know what’s been going on with my life to be honest. I’m at a point where I hate everyone but my mom. Jaime and I have been getting in big fights everyday for about a week and it’s fucking awful. I don’t have much friends but the one I do have, she got butt hurt because I told her I wouldn’t be able to make it next week to do this painting thing. Maybe I misread it because texts tend to bring a lot of miscommunication but it didn’t seem like she was understanding but oh well.

I had an interview yesterday and it went well. I have a phone interview today and it would be a cool job to have because I won’t really work with anyone else and I would be styling people which is one of my secret dream jobs.

Jaime and I went to grab drinks and everything was going okay but I don’t know he just always finds a way to make me feel like shit. It feels like he never sees my point of view and he doesn’t try to communicate with me. I know relationships are hard and it isn’t sunshine and rainbows all the time but fuck.

I’m so fucking sick and tired of feeling like shit all the time. I don’t remember the last time I felt genuinely happy. It always seems to come in short waves. I even went to In N Out yesterday and I couldn’t enjoy it. I never mentioned this but I’m a huge stan of In N Out. No other burger compares. (Although I’m a fan of Shake Shack peanut butter burger. It’s not on the menu but it’s good I promise!)

I just hope I get this job but I don’t know I’m never to hopeful. I don’t want to get my hopes up if it doesn’t fall through. I don’t need anymore disappointment in my life. I have another interview on Thursday that pays a little more so wish me luck.

Sorry for being such a Debby downer lately but life has not been the brightest and it’s been really hard to see the light through the tunnel. One thing I am looking forward to is my brother is coming back from boot camp. I just hope he hasn’t changed much.

(Here are some photos of Jaime and I before we got in a fight)

Saturday Random Thoughts

  • With Mother’s Day coming up, I really am not ready for people asking me about when I’m thinking about having kids. It surprises me that people can still ask such an insensitive question especially when they know my circumstances. I had to tell my mom the other day that it’s been a year since my tubular pregnancy and I still haven’t gotten pregnant so I just don’t know if it’s going to happen ever. Like it was the most traumatizing experience I have ever had and I don’t think people realize this.
  • I have a job interview on Monday at a higher end retail store and I’m kinda excited. I’ve always wanted to work at a place like this but I can’t get too excited. I also know it’s probably really not that fun to work at.
  • I don’t know if I mentioned this but the show Love on Netflix is really good. I cried at the ending. A lot of the show reminded of Jaime and I. I kinda want to rewatch it again.
  • Man I’m not super into the beauty community but I love and live for drama. That whole James Charles situation doesn’t surprise me. I didn’t know who Tati was before this but she doesn’t fool me. She’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. James Charles has done a lot of shitty things and the time you choose to expose him is when he promoted something that would compete with your brand. Gurrrrll you may of fooled other people but not me.
  • I decided to do my makeup today and I reminded myself why I don’t do this shit. It was fun but it doesn’t look good. At least it doesn’t look good photographed but what’s the point of doing yourself up if it doesn’t do well in photos? (I mean if it makes you feel good that’s all that matters right?)