It’s been awhile my friends but like I mentioned in my last post I have been in a weird funk. (I mean suffering from depression and anxiety)
I’m starting to feel better though but my job and living conditions aren’t the greatest right now. I said I was going to move back to Murrieta but I really don’t want to screw over my sister in law even though I can’t stand her right now.
My job has been weird lately. It’s gotten better though for the most part. People have stopped being so rude but it’s still uncomfortable. Also there was this moment where my manager started yelling at this black lady over a price. I wish I was exaggerating but she was right next to my ear screaming at this woman. It was a forty cent difference. Something similar happened the same day and she gave the customer the product for the different price. It made me extremely uncomfortable because I could see the bias as clear as day. I haven’t gotten over it.
Enough about work because I’m honestly close to quitting. I have done some fun things like go to Palm Springs!
Jaime and I went to the Aerial Tramway and it was unreal. I think we did get altitude sickness because We had a headache that day We couldn’t shake but it was worth it.
I have been spending a lot more time with my mom which is good. I’ve always took my mom for granted and I realize that now. She such an amazing person and I honestly just want to be the best I can be for her. She has been my only friend other than Jaime. We went to the beach last week and just been doing a lot of shopping in between.
I think I have been a weird mood lately because a lot of shit is coming up. My first wedding anniversary which we still haven’t figured out. My friend’s wedding which I’m actually in. My sister in law is graduating but Jaime and I haven’t been speaking with her but her graduation is in Arizona so we should be making plans soon. I just want this month to be over already. I just want to be in somewhere new with no one to worry about.
Day 26: Your Hidden Talent
I just want to start off by saying sorry I haven’t been writing much. I have been very anxious and depressed lately. Shit just sucks lately. I’m starting to get out of my rut though.
I think I’ve been avoiding this post too because I don’t feel like I have a hidden talent. I hide the things I like to do which is write and draw so I’ll just say that. Writing and drawing is my hidden talent but I’m not great at either one of them.
Day 25- Your Biggest Regret
I think we all have things in life we wished we did differently. I honestly can say I probably don’t have any regrets. I like the person I am now and if I didn’t fuck up a couple times I wouldn’t be who I am.
So I’m sticking to it. No Regrets!
Work has been interesting lately. I did need the time off for sure because the bullshit that has been happening has been odd.
I keep getting into these weird political conversations with people.
I had a customer who had a shirt that said Mussolini is my hero. I kept staring at it because who the fuck wears something like that? That’s crazy. He asked me if I knew who Mussolini was. I said yes the literal inventor of fascism (Hitler’s biggest inspiration. I didn’t say this part but I should have) This customer comes in all the time, now he avoids my line. We talked a little more about it and he ended the conversation with “I didn’t know people still knew history.”
I had another customer who talked to me about the situation in Venezuela. I never ever at work say my opinion about politics but this one slipped out. I told him that America should let Venezuela figure it out on their own, we don’t need to interfere. I’m tired of people dying for no reason. I think he may of gotten offended but we don’t need another Vietnam.
I was talking to my manager for a little bit about these weird occurrences. I didn’t go into detail but she went on to tell me one of the regulars won’t talk to her because she voted for Trump. I honestly didn’t need to know that. Y’all know how I feel about that. I won’t treat her differently because its work and I don’t buy into that shit that my coworkers are family. That is abusive.
My coworkers are talking behind my back. I already knew this but I got a confirmation from another coworker. I think it slipped out for him but it’s cool because at least I know I can trust him.
It really hasn’t been that bad because although it sucks not having a good relationship with who you work with it’s whatever. I have a goal to save and although I want to quit, why let them win? Not everyone is going to like me and that’s fine. It took me awhile to realize this but I’m there now.
Day 24: What Attracts You (In Love)
I have only been legitimately in love twice in my life. I don’t fall in love easily because I don’t take most men seriously. I loved these two people for different reasons so I’ll explain each one.
My first love: I fell in love because he was a huge romantic. My relationship was a lot of grand gestures. One of the biggest ones he did was set up a whole scavenger hunt around San Francisco and all the places had a meaning. It was really sweet considering we were broken up at the time. I liked how smart he was. It’s been awhile but that’s all I can think of why I loved him. Maybe that’s why we didn’t last. I do want to get this out of the way, whoever said your first love is your best love was full of shit or lucky. I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted though.
My second love (my husband): My husband isn’t super romantic, the biggest grand gesture was proposing to me on top of the Rockefeller’s center. I love how affectionate he is. Always kisses me when we see each other after a long time away from each other and always kisses me goodbye. He always holds my hand. He always sit on my side of the booth at restaurants. He’s my very best friend. I can tell him anything. There’s nothing that comes to my mind that I can’t tell him. I have never felt that with anyone. I love his laugh. I love his touch. I guess it best to say I just love him, flaws and all.
Day 23- If You Won The Lottery
This is a hard question because I’ve come to the conclusion that I would never like to be rich. It’s honestly immoral. Living in a capitalistic society, it’s hard not to want extreme wealth. Most of us are a slave to money and then we die. (It’s a lyric reference!) I’m going to answer this the best way I can.
If I won the lottery, I would pay all my debts and just make sure Jaime and I are set up for life. I would never want to work again or at least in the way that I am. I would make sure my mom’s bills and house are paid for. I want her to be able to retire. I don’t want my mom to work again and she deserves it. I would like to pay off my dad’s bills and get him a house paid off. I would give my brother a big chunk and let him spend it on whatever he wants.
For the remaining I would donate to a charity or organization. I would like to donate to an organization that helps with housing and another one that provides medical care. (does this exist in America?)
It’s been awhile but I have been busy to be fair. I’m finally going back to work after a week and a half off. It has been so nice and I’m not excited to go back.
Anyway this past weekend was my friend’s Bachelorette party. The first night I had too much fun. The second night I was just hungover. The third day was cleaning up and a long trek back home. (We were in Santa Ynez which is the wine country of Santa Barbara)
It’s so crazy to think that I met my friend just a few years ago working at Lowes. We were just two young single girls who were boy crazy and just wildin out on the weekend. Now we are two old ladies with their husbands. It’s crazy how fast the years go by and how much change happens in those years. I can’t seem to get over it.
The other days I have been lazy like usual, hanging out with my mom and hanging out with Jaime and also one of his sisters. I have calmed down about the family situation but I really still don’t feel good about it. I’m tired of fighting for acceptance and love. This isn’t grade school, you know?But trying to ignoring all the bullshit around you and not being bitter in the heart is hard.
Also I watched Us yesterday and did want to talk about it a little bit.
I was entertained by the movie but I do think it was just ok. I don’t think it’s fair to compare Get Out and Us because they are two different movies with wildly different concepts. I think Lupita Nyong’o did an amazing job and I love the visuals and the score. I just think the story was a bit sloppy. I would still recommend seeing it but it’s not mind blowing. What I got out of it was the relationship with class in America. It’s suppose to be a metaphor but it really is lost in a weird narrative of underground people and it’s a bit ableist. Class conversations are very important to me but like I said I don’t think it was done well. One movie that I did enjoy and I feel did it successfully was Sorry To Bother You.