Only for you
Do I continue
At times downcast
Only for you
Do I continue
At times downcast
“You’re too fat.”
“When will you do something with your life.”
“You can’t just let yourself go, you use to be so pretty.”
When will it stop?
The self abuse.
It’s not as bad as it use to be.
But being in critical condition
Never was any fun.
Another conversation filled with
I hang up
All the ways
I can be better
I’m just forcing
That don’t fit
Trying to move to San Francisco was a mess. I was waiting on approval for a loan so I could pay rent for a place and two weeks before the first semester started at SFSU I got a letter saying I was denied. I didn’t know what to do but apply for a different loan and hope it would go through. I did and got a loan and at last minute I had to find a place. My friend at the time told me of a house in Park Merced of four other girls (Sam, Bri, Viri, and Maysie) looking for a roommate. The rent was $550 a month and the house was fully furnished. Good deal right? And I was desperate.
I moved in a week later before everyone else and I could see that they already formed a bond. I also never was good at making friends. I’m a awkward lone wolf. There was a welcome week for incoming freshmen and that night particular there was a concert on campus.
We sat down watch a band play. Then all the girls proceeded to make fun a red hair girl for no reason. That’s when I knew shit wasn’t going to go good for me in this house. It also didn’t help that I really didn’t like to drink or do drugs (at the time)
Don’t get me wrong I do talk shit but usually you have to give me a reason why.
So I started to distance myself from them more and more. I was passive aggressive about the mess they would make and also about them eating my food I was paying for. (I barely had any money I was fucking struggling) I also was more concerned about fucking my boyfriend and getting okay grades.
Tensions were high all the time. One day I decided to reactivate my Facebook and I saw two of them had posted a video about me. It was like the movie Mean Girls where they create a plan to get rid of Regina George but instead it was a plan of getting rid of me. I was horrified. I started crying and I didn’t know how to react other than going to sleep over at my best friend’s apartment (which our friendship wasn’t doing so great either)
They sort of apologized about it but still continued to mock me. In the end everyone hated everyone and we got kicked of the house by the end of the second semester.
These days I have better humor about it. I think that it’s hilarious if I’m completely honest. It’s so crazy that people could be so cruel. Times with them weren’t always terrible but I hope them well. I still think about them every once in awhile. We were all so young and stupid.
On the day of August 27th 2015, I got hit by a car. I had gotten to work early and decided to go to Chick-fil-a which is across the street. A car didn’t look while making a turn and ran my ass over. I don’t remember any of it. All I remember is being in the middle of the street, my shoes were off and my purse contents all over the street. There was about six people hovered around me asking me if I was okay. I just asked if I could have my phone so I can call my mom and dad. My dad didn’t pick up but my mom said she would be right there. I was greatful because my direct manager who was happen to be taking her kids to school that morning happen to see the aftermath and was there by my side.
The cops and ambulance kept asking me questions I couldn’t answer and I honestly was getting irritated. How many times do I have to say I don’t remember any of it? Next thing you know I’m on a stretcher and my mom sees me being carried into an ambulance. She was belligerent. EMTs closed the ambulance doors still asking me questions I can’t answer. I remember crying not because I was in pain but because how much of an inconvenience this was going to be.
Right before any of this shenanigans happened I was speaking to a coworker on how I wanted to save up and move to New York for a little while. Maybe that was a sign telling me not to? What a hell of a sign!
I get to the hospital and they just leave me in the bed with blood gushing down my face for quite awhile. I asked a nurse if someone could clean the blood. I had to pee in a cup to see if I was pregnant but they made me do the MRI before they even figured out the results. Yikes! In all honesty I wasn’t really having sex at the time but still. After the MRI showed I didn’t have any brain damage he just squeezed my legs and said does it hurt? I said no. He then said you are free to go. The level of professionalism in that hospital was unbelievable. All my family that lives in Southern California was at the hospital. Even my grandpa that lives in LA that I hadn’t spoken to in years. Everyone was there except my dad.
The irony is after I was released my family and I went to Chick-fil-a. I didn’t know how to feel so I was very lighthearted about the whole situation. So lighthearted about it I even took a snapchat of me in the ambulance with the caption of lol.
I came home and my dad was there and that was the beginning of the end (not really but it made things a hundred times worse between my parents). My parents started arguing and I just decided to take a shower trying to take out the clumps of dried up blood out of my hair. My dad was gone by the time I was out.
I didn’t know how to feel about it for a long time. I just kinda avoided the question even though I couldn’t walk correctly for a month and was going to doctor appointments and physical therapy three times a week. It was kinda hard to avoid.
One day I just lost my shit. One of my mangers pissed me off so much I told him I quit. Later that day I told my mom about an broke down. After that my work told me I just needed time off (I went back to work after that incident like I said trying to avoid the situation) so I took two weeks off and started seeing a therapist.
I wish I could tell you my therapist’s name but she told me her name once and I didn’t hear her and I was too embarrassed to ask her to repeat herself. She changed my life though. Having a near death experience made me feel like a failure, like I hadn’t accomplished anything. I would of died not having done anything I wanted to do. She made me see things in a different light.
I did accomplish things and I just needed to stop being so hard on myself. I still hard on myself but I use this experience to push me to do different things. I always wanted to travel but I was scared. When I was with my ex I would always suggest to take a trip but he never wanted to. I didn’t want to do it alone but I learned being alone is okay. So the march of the following year I bought a ticket to Nashville and went by myself. It was one of the greatest experiences I’ve had. I took several trips after that by myself.
The point of this post is never take your life for granted. The world is a scary place but you got to live your life for you. You got to take chances because you really don’t know when you are going to die. It’s morbid but the only thing that’s guaranteed in this life is death and taxes. Live your life to the fullest with no regrets.
I’m a simple person, for the most part. I either see a person instantly and am attracted to them and know I want to have sex with them, maybe more (usually never) or I become friends with a guy and grow somewhat of an romantic attraction leading to something more than friends.
I never really felt instant spark you hear from people talking about their significant others or let’s be cliche the movies. Except twice. The first has faded into some twisted fantasy of what if’s, a road I don’t like to revisit.
So let’s don’t. This is fresh, this is new. It was you.
I step outside feeling the rush of heat hit my body. But the beauty took me over, different colored tulips, the smell of english lavender, and the endless variety of roses. I took over for my older coworker hoping to stay there but I knew eventually I would have to go back and smell dirty contractors, freshly cut lumber, rotting plants, and paint.
I got lost out in garden. It was the only place where the customers didn’t seem to hate their life and when I didn’t hate my job. I have been there for over a year and it never got old to me. I was looking at the new things Color Spot had brought: azaleas, zonal geraniums, pansies, and bacopa. But I saw you. You had your back turned to me, a mystery I had to solve. So I burned a hole through your back and you turned around.
I saw your face and I will never properly explain how I felt. I just felt instantly and hard. Sensations that I felt at my fingertips, that made bile rise up in my throat. You made eye contact with me and I quickly looked away. It didn’t help you came up to me. You took the glove off your right hand and wiped the sweat off on your thigh. You held your hand out to me and I took it, still feeling little beads of sweat. I barely remember the conversation other than I didn’t know what quite to say and when you walked away my cheeks were painted pink.
Not knowing how to take my rush of emotions, not knowing if I should acknowledge them at all. Fear still running rampant, now more than ever.