I always had dreams Of going to New York
To just get lost in subways
Eat different foods
And just look at all the different street fashion
I don’t like cities
I always had dreams
Of going to Hawaii
To be in the clear blue water
Sink my feet in the white sand
And eat the freshest poki
That’s a waste of money, what’s wrong with the beaches here?
I always had dreams
Of going to Paris
To be in the same places Ernest Hemingway had been
Drink fine wine
And stroll the countryside
I rather go to Spain
It took me too long
I didn’t need
I’ve always wanted to get married. Ever since I was a little girl I fantasized about it. When I got older I was hooked on all the wedding shows you could think of and also had my wedding planned to the T. I think that’s one of the reason I stayed with my ex so long because he bought me a promise ring and we would always talk about getting married. I knew it wasn’t working but I also thought marriage would change that. (Yikes!)
I still want to get married someday even though I view it differently. The only reason I bring this up because one of my boyfriend’s cousin is getting married and we are invited. I’m truly excited because even though I don’t see marriages on a pedestal like I use to, I still love weddings and I haven’t been to one in forever. The last one I was invited to one was from a man I was truly infactuated by. I didn’t go for obvious reasons and their marriage didn’t work out.
My boyfriend and I went to Bed Bath and Beyond to look at their wedding registry and buy them a gift. A selection of overpriced wine glasses, salt and pepper shakers, blenders, and etc. It seems a little silly to me but there I was buying $40 wine glasses. I hope them the best honestly.
Being at Bed Bath and Beyond I realize how much I need a coffee maker. I think I spent on a average seven dollars a day (honestly my boyfriend does) on a Starbucks coffee and breakfast sandwich and in all honestly isn’t that great. I need coffee though.
I went to The Press Expresso in Temecula CA. It’s hard to find something that isn’t fucking Starbucks in the area. It’s a cute little place. I got a butterscotch cold brew and a honey lavender cheesecake. The coffee didn’t taste like butterscotch at all and it was almost $5 but I was big fan of the cheesecake.
Also I went shopping yesterday for the first time in forever (for a dress for the wedding but I also was steering away from it a little) I have some body issues that stir from when I was a kid and yesterday I kinda felt good about my body. Sometimes I do sometimes I don’t. It’s mostly don’t. Either way I’m still on the hunt to find a dress.
I’ve been in love twice in my life. The first time around was consuming and I lost myself. It’s also when I’ve been the most morally corrupt. I wasn’t ready to be committed but I didn’t know how to be alone. I was romantically done with it after a year but we happened to drag it all the way to four. I did a lot of bad things that I regret. Things that he never found out and even when I was madly in love with him I did very questionable things. He was very emotionally abusive and manipulative but it wasn’t really an excuse for things that I did. It’s just really hard to let go sometimes.
After both of us finally decided to let go I just kinda went crazy. Falling in lust every chance I got, never falling in love. I broke quite a few hearts. Never intentional but relationships seemed pointless to me. Making yourself vulnerable to someone wasn’t a vision I was fucking with. It was the first time I really focused on myself. It was the most fun I had in my life. I fell in love with myself.
Life has a way of changing your plans. I had met Jaime and was attracted to him instantly but still wasn’t interested in a relationship. When I first went out with him, he was a lot different than I expected. Weird as hell but I was charmed (I’m weird as hell too). I was still distant because I didn’t want to fall in love, I didn’t want to fill the void. He kept asking to hang out and I always said yes and the next thing you know we were hanging out every single day. I wish I could say it was that easy to say we just fell in love and the rest was history but it wasn’t. A lot of internal emotional shit hit the fan for me and him. It seemed to work it self out since then but it wasn’t an easy beginning.
I have a mutual friend that I would talk to about our problems. If it wasn’t for him I would of just said fuck him instead actually talking things out or looking things at a different way.
He’s been in a serious relationship for about seven years. Just one day his girlfriend said she wasn’t happy anymore and didn’t feel the same. They technically aren’t broken up just on a “break” but that’s fucking terrifying
When I look at Jaime I see the love of my life. I have never felt so strongly about a person in my life. First loves are often see as the truest or some bullshit like that but I’m telling you my first love can’t compare to what I feel for that man.
I think about that shit everyday. What will go wrong? Everything just seems so perfect but that feeling can’t last forever: can it? That’s the risk I take everyday.
Love is something I still can’t comprehend. Love doesn’t always last forever and if you look at statistics your love for someone probably won’t. Why do people fall out of love? Where does the love go when you do fall out? Love is honestly the scariest concept to me but I still can’t get enough of it.
His right hand smelt like cigarettes. His left hand smelt like Tijuana. But they both felt the same when you brushed them against my body or held my hand, soft but rough callouses at the top of your palms. I tried to look into your eyes to figure you out. I see pain but from things I cannot see. I wonder if you can see mine. I often feel like running the other way but you find a way to pull me in. I scream but you listen and soothe me like the ocean. I don’t know what I want. It changes everyday. But now I actually feel. Never thought I could fill the void. Never thought the smell of cigarettes and Tijuana could be so comforting.
Meet the love of my life Jaime
My next post will be about love when I’m more sober. Next time on The life of Hannah.
The USA is a terrifying place to live right now, especially as a minority and woman. I couldn’t wait because I can’t believe what was displayed today.
Before I speak on the subject I will say this. Our first amendment is extremely important and once you start silencing any group that is dangerous. That is censorship. I don’t like white supremacy but our first amendment is more important than people realize. No one should be silenced but don’t condone racist behavior and language.
Here is where my issues lie. My main issue is how when there were protest in Ferguson, Black peoples were met with tear gas and rubber bullets. Police forces were silencing black people. There is no other words for it. Police protected white supremacist and allowed them to protest. Why is one cause protected and the other not?
Donald Trumps speech was extremely off. How are you going to say there is extreme hate on both sides. People were protesting to keep a General Robert E Lee statue a prominent confederate figure in the Civil War. CONFEDERATE. Also how are you going to say to we need to cherish our history? Cherish that white people once treated minorities like cattle? Cherish that white people didn’t think minorities were equal? How could he not address white supremacy as a problem. Is it because those are the people who support him?
The civil rights movement wasn’t that long ago. There is plenty of people still living when that time was their reality. Like my grandpa. He never thought he would see the day that a black man would be president. Now it’s almost like the progress we made has been reversed. There needs to be a change. Inequality has always been an issue. More recently hidden by institutional racism. Now Blatant racism is coming front and center and our president won’t address it directly. I’m honestly speechless who knew this could be happening in 2017.
If I had a dollar for every time I had a baby boomer tell me to go back to school, I would have the money to go back! I don’t know why a majority of older people think college is so accessible. I went to SFSU for two years and put myself in enough debt that I could of put a down payment on a cheaper house. It’s not crippling but like I said I went for two years. Also college isn’t for everyone. Why don’t people see that?
I work for a retailer where when I first started it didn’t seem too bad. You could make a honest career and many of my coworkers have. Lately they been downsizing like crazy and it’s not like it use to be. It’s sad to see people who dedicated their lives to a company and then have them thrown out like trash. I can’t make it out of part time but hey I do get pay a little bit higher than minimum wage and also have a 401k.
The truth is I do want to go back to school but for art. I just get wildly insecure by other people’s voices of “you aren’t going to make any money.” I know I should say fuck it but it’s also pulling out loans and etc but I hate my job and “getting a better job” isn’t that easy especially without a bachelors.
So I’m done with my complaining for today. Maybe one day I won’t be poor and stressed. One would only dream. I am content because I do have a strong support system but I would like to live the American dream of not worrying if you are going to have enough money for the bills or a job the next day.
Here’s some photos of me, my boyfriend, brother and some friends eating overpriced ice cream (kinda worth it) Its a custom ice cream place called the Baked Bear only located in California. My review is better than CREAM but Bi-Rite ice cream still reigns supreme. (I never had Mitchell’s) If you ain’t from the bay you won’t get the references. Make a trip to San Francisco the ice cream is great over there. But in language that everyone can understand. The cookies are good (really good) when they haven’t been sitting there for awhile. The ice cream is a little hard and could be done better but it’s not bad.
(I usually take better photos)