& Just Like That Everything Has Changed

On May 26th I took a home pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant. I can’t tell you exactly how I felt. It was a rush of bliss and fear all at the same time. On May 30th everything had changed. I always find a way to jump the gun. Jaime and I had already been to Babies R Us and to some cute kid boutiques in Laguna Beach. I was already researching baby shower ideas, maternity shoots and clothing, and since I feel a little weird about gender reveal parties but Jaime was into it, I was looking into that as well. But On May 30th everything had changed. I was at work and I decided to use the bathroom. After I’m done I just see deep red inside the toilet bowl. I started to panic and cry. I knew something was wrong.

I go to the ER to find out I’m not having a miscarriage but an ectopic pregnancy. If you don’t know what that is, it’s basically when the baby doesn’t develop in your uterus like it suppose to. Most of ectopic pregnancies, the baby develops in the fallopian tube. The baby can not survive this way and neither can you. If you wait your fallopian tube will most likely rupture and you will most likely die from the internal bleeding.

Luckily enough for me I was already miscarrying the ectopic pregnancy, so they gave me an injection of methotrexate to be on the safe side. Methotrexate is a low dosage of chemo that kills all your growing cells. If you were like me they also give you painful cramps to the point you can barely move.

At first I didn’t want to talk about it. I just didn’t want to think about it. I felt angry. I felt hurt. I felt like it was all my fault. I came to the point where I was going crazy. (I still am just not as much) The more I talk about it with people, the less alone I feel. I never realized how much fertility issues has affected people I know. It doesn’t help with wanting to try again though. I just feel hopeless with the idea of trying again. I don’t want to feel this way or to go through all the stupid shit and the pain emotionally and physically. I’m hoping I will have the courage but it’s all fresh and new at the moment: