I’m Back

It’s been a very long time my friends and for that I have to apologize. I have been very overwhelmed with life. Living with my sister in law in Hemet California took a lot from me. Moving back in with my mom took my pride away. Being pregnant has took a lot emotional and physically out of me. Becoming a college student has made me doubt myself more than ever. My new job, although not as stressful as previous jobs, has also done a number on me.

I’m finally feeling a little bit more balanced in my life. It’s been hard work just trying to be okay with myself and my progress, to grieve over past relationships, and just trying to enjoy life. I think I’m finally happy. I’m starting to realize that sometimes progress comes slowly, sometimes it’s okay to ask for help. Happiness is not an end goal but something you continuously have to work for.

Enough with the philosophical bullshit, I think I’m ready to start writing more often like I was before my hiatus.

To catch you guys on my life during my hiatus, I’m five months pregnant already and it’s fucking wild. My first trimester of pregnancy sucked. I lost weight from not being able to keep much down and just not having an appetite in general. I was tired all the time and work just fucking sucked the living soul out of me. I do think overall pregnancy has given me a new sense of thought of positivity that I definitely didn’t have pre-pregnancy. Although my family nor my husband don’t believe it, I feel like I have become a more patient person, less angry at the world.

My second trimester has been more of smooth sailing. I can feel my baby kicking at times and it’s the most surreal feeling ever. I wish I could properly explain it. I found out the sex of my baby at fourteen weeks to find out it was wrong at twenty one weeks. I wasn’t too upset because I’ve been trying to be gender neutral as possible when shopping for clothes and things.

I do want to bring up another positive affect pregnancy has brought into my life is that just maybe I really don’t need alcohol or weed in my life. I was so dependent on them that I really felt like I needed them to function, to be okay with life. Being forced sober realize maybe all that shit was in my head. I don’t know maybe it’s also the increase of hormones in my body that has made me feel so fucking different about everything.

Some anxieties I’m having about pregnancy is my healthcare. I do have health insurance but I do need to change it quickly. If I don’t I will be left with a $12,000 bill after I give birth and we all know I ain’t got that kind of money. It’s been so crazy though. Jaime and I tried to apply for Medi-Cal just for the baby and was denied because we made to much so then we applied for Medi-Cal Access (Which is like Medi-Cal but for people who’s health insurance deductible is too high and also for people with “middle class” incomes but for only pregnancies) and then was denied because our income is too low. Make it make sense!

I’m also having anxiety from wondering if I will be a good parent. Will I do the right thing? Will I lead my child down the right path? Or will I just fuck them up? Everyone’s idea of being a good parent is so fucking different and I wish there was proper guidance but people really didn’t lie when they said people have no clue what they are doing.

I think this is the best recap I can give at the moment. So much has happened, so much time has passed but I’m going to try and keep writing often. I do need something for me and still make time for me and I have missed it.

 

Monday Morning

Hello my friends! I’m feeling very anxious this morning. It’s my first day of my job and right now I’m waiting in a coffee shop just waiting for it to turn one o’clock so I can just get it over with. I don’t know why I feel so nervous to start this new job. I think it’s because I always find it hard to fit in and also find it hard to adjust to new things but it should be okay. For the past few hours I’ve been writing in my journal and reading a book about The French Revolution. It made me feel slightly better because when I woke up this morning I was going to throw up from my nerves. I hate that I get like this and it happens all too often.

I also got an uneasy call from my academic advisor this morning. He basically told me that I need my own laptop to do the program. I was just planning to get my work done at the library until I could get approve for a loan or until I could save up for a laptop. It’s just not an option. I’m feeling a little worried about it but I just hope I can push out the semester to fall. If not I guess I’ll just reapply. Why is life so fucking hard to figure out?

Anyway yesterday was a really nice day out with my brother and a few friends. I honestly planned yesterday to be boring and at home but we did a lot.

We first went to a restaurant called Chef’s Grille. Honestly it was too expensive for what it was. I feel like a lot of restaurants in Murrieta and Temecula are. There is a lot of these restaurants with nice interiors popping up but they just don’t taste great and it’s twenty a plate. That being said it was just okay.

What was nice was I got a lot off my chest. It’s been awhile since I felt like I had a friend other than my mom and Jaime. I know it’s my fault but I just don’t feel like talking to anyone else lately.

After lunch we decided to go to the mall because my brother wanted to buy different frames. We ended up taking a wrong turn and ended up at Mr. Chi again. Apparently they change their glass cups about everyday.

I ended up getting a watermelon soda. It was good but I wish I just got a milk tea instead.

When we got to the mall, my brother decided he would wait to get frames later. We walked around for a little bit. I ended up seeing an old friend at the mall. It had been so long and I’ve missed him. He’s the reason Jaime and I are together honestly. I told him we have to hang out soon. Hopefully I can keep my promise.

After going to the mall we started to walk around. There’s a lot of things to see and do around the mall. We went to Plato’s closet. It’s a thrift store but I guess with standards. My brother got two pairs of shoes. They are really nice I wish I took a picture of them. We also went to a pet store for the hell of it and there was a bird at the front door that could talk. Like it literally says bye as you leave the store. Birds freak me out though.

One time I went to a birthday party in six grade. My friend had a bird and the first things she said is don’t put your finger in the cage. The first thing my dumb ass did was put my finger in the cage. The bird took a pretty good chunk out of my finger and I’ve been traumatized ever since.

Anyway we also went to go throw axes. Well I didn’t and neither did Anna. (I know I didn’t mention names before, oh well!) I felt like I was in Final Destination just waiting for my impeding death. My brother and Joaquin had fun though

After the axe throwing we went home. It was a nice way to close my brother being here. I mean he’s still here but I’m going to be gone for most of the day. I’m really going to miss my brother but I don’t want to think about that right now. I have a hundred other things to worry about and he’ll be fine. It may be awhile till I’ll see him again but I’ll be fine. I have to be.

I miss my brother

I’m laying in my mother’s bed in my childhood home thinking about how we got here.

My brother left for boot camp on Monday and I can’t help but to feel fucking sad. I wish I could be eloquent and create beautiful metaphors about my sadness but I can’t. I’m fucking tired and sad feeling lost in a world that no one understands me.

I wasn’t always close to my brother. Growing up, we were notorious for beating the shit out of each other but at the same time, we were all we had.

It really changed when I moved back into Murrieta from San Francisco. I was in my peak of alcoholism and I had no one. Sure I had my mom but it’s hard talking to your parents about how fucked up you are. You never want your parents to know how bad you are fucking up. Also I’m distant as hell. I didn’t say what was on my mind but I didn’t have to. My brother saw me cry way too many times. He never asked me what was wrong, he didn’t have to. He was just always there.

Eventually I did start talking to him and opened up and I could honestly call him my best friend. He drives me insane but everyone drives me insane.

I’m so scared to lose my best friend. I just know he isn’t going to be the same person and maybe that will be a good. I don’t know but I love my brother the way he is. I just don’t want him to lose his carefree goofy ways. His way of understanding the world. I just don’t want to lose him as he is.

Maybe I’m being dramatic as fuck because I do have a tendency of doing that but this shit hurts so bad. I am proud of him but I just wished he did something else, tried to do something else. Ultimately though people life’s decisions are never your own. I did get a phone call from my brother and he sounded terrified. The call was only ten seconds.

I just can’t wait until three months are up.