I’m Back

It’s been a very long time my friends and for that I have to apologize. I have been very overwhelmed with life. Living with my sister in law in Hemet California took a lot from me. Moving back in with my mom took my pride away. Being pregnant has took a lot emotional and physically out of me. Becoming a college student has made me doubt myself more than ever. My new job, although not as stressful as previous jobs, has also done a number on me.

I’m finally feeling a little bit more balanced in my life. It’s been hard work just trying to be okay with myself and my progress, to grieve over past relationships, and just trying to enjoy life. I think I’m finally happy. I’m starting to realize that sometimes progress comes slowly, sometimes it’s okay to ask for help. Happiness is not an end goal but something you continuously have to work for.

Enough with the philosophical bullshit, I think I’m ready to start writing more often like I was before my hiatus.

To catch you guys on my life during my hiatus, I’m five months pregnant already and it’s fucking wild. My first trimester of pregnancy sucked. I lost weight from not being able to keep much down and just not having an appetite in general. I was tired all the time and work just fucking sucked the living soul out of me. I do think overall pregnancy has given me a new sense of thought of positivity that I definitely didn’t have pre-pregnancy. Although my family nor my husband don’t believe it, I feel like I have become a more patient person, less angry at the world.

My second trimester has been more of smooth sailing. I can feel my baby kicking at times and it’s the most surreal feeling ever. I wish I could properly explain it. I found out the sex of my baby at fourteen weeks to find out it was wrong at twenty one weeks. I wasn’t too upset because I’ve been trying to be gender neutral as possible when shopping for clothes and things.

I do want to bring up another positive affect pregnancy has brought into my life is that just maybe I really don’t need alcohol or weed in my life. I was so dependent on them that I really felt like I needed them to function, to be okay with life. Being forced sober realize maybe all that shit was in my head. I don’t know maybe it’s also the increase of hormones in my body that has made me feel so fucking different about everything.

Some anxieties I’m having about pregnancy is my healthcare. I do have health insurance but I do need to change it quickly. If I don’t I will be left with a $12,000 bill after I give birth and we all know I ain’t got that kind of money. It’s been so crazy though. Jaime and I tried to apply for Medi-Cal just for the baby and was denied because we made to much so then we applied for Medi-Cal Access (Which is like Medi-Cal but for people who’s health insurance deductible is too high and also for people with “middle class” incomes but for only pregnancies) and then was denied because our income is too low. Make it make sense!

I’m also having anxiety from wondering if I will be a good parent. Will I do the right thing? Will I lead my child down the right path? Or will I just fuck them up? Everyone’s idea of being a good parent is so fucking different and I wish there was proper guidance but people really didn’t lie when they said people have no clue what they are doing.

I think this is the best recap I can give at the moment. So much has happened, so much time has passed but I’m going to try and keep writing often. I do need something for me and still make time for me and I have missed it.

 

Monday and a BIG announcement

Hey friends!

I know it’s been awhile. It’s been mostly because my phone broke and I have been lazy and stressed. Going back to school and all the stupid shit you have to do, will put a damper on you. I’m still not use to my phone also.

Anyway I haven’t been up to much. My life has been very plain, just work and home and some drinking in between.

Although last week Jaime and I went to La Jolla and went kayaking. It was really nice. We got to see dolphins and go into the La Jolla caves. I really don’t like physical activity but kayaking is cool. I would do it again.

An update on work is it’s still cool. I really like being alone. I just feel useless here sometimes. I really don’t do shit 85% of the time. It all feels like a waste of time. These sale goals that they put on you too is a bit ridiculous. I just don’t care that much anymore. I kinda want to find a new job, one with better hours and better pay

Because……

I’m going to be a fucking mom!

I know I’m kind of jumping the gun here. I found out last night and wanted to tell someone, so why not my blog audience. I’m waiting to tell friends and family this time.

I’m excited. I’m nervous. I just hope everything works out this time.

Wednesday Morning

Hello my friends!

I’ve been working the past few days and even though it’s not long hours, I’ve been tired. (Also a little lazy)

Work is cool so far but I haven’t really actually done my job. The past few days have been mostly tedious things like learning the mission statement, product knowledge, company’s history, and just a lot of corporate bullshit that’s honestly pointless.

Saturday is my first day working alone and I’m kinda nervous. Selling clothes honestly seems so awkward to me and the extent they want me to do it is honestly too much. I work for a higher end retailer but it’s not like it’s Gucci or Balenciaga. They expect you to get clients but honestly it’s Forever 21 clothes but marked way up. I feel like I’m being harsh but it’s kinda true.

They also kinda have a oddly specific dress code. If you aren’t wearing the brand you have to wear all black, white or dark grey business casual. You can’t wear heavy makeup and your nails have to be polished and never chipped.

Anyway my favorite part so far is getting to try on clothes for the hell of it. It makes sense so you can get an idea of styling and sizing.

Anyway it’s hard to tell how well this job is going to work out because it’s the beginning but I am nervous about it but hell I’m nervous about everything.

To be fair on why I didn’t write one whole day is because I did spend the day yesterday with Jaime. (I really should just schedule post but my blog is mostly a diary of thoughts so it’s kinda hard if the day hasn’t happened yet)

After work yesterday we went to get a few beers, got In N Out and went shopping at Kohl’s because I needed a few outfits for work. It was a nice day with him yesterday considering we got in a fight the day before because he came home late drinking with friends and it was my first day of work and also my brothers last day before MCT.

My brother is gone. I was a little sad I didn’t get to be there to drop him off but at least he gets his phone for the weekends and he will have liberty the last two weeks. It’s not like boot camp where I had to wait for a letter in the mail to hear from him.

Today all I’m going to do is just chill, write in my physical journal, read my book on the French Revolution (which is only about murder) and wait for Jaime to get home so I can watch the new Black Mirror.

Till next time my friends.

Monday Morning

Hello my friends! I’m feeling very anxious this morning. It’s my first day of my job and right now I’m waiting in a coffee shop just waiting for it to turn one o’clock so I can just get it over with. I don’t know why I feel so nervous to start this new job. I think it’s because I always find it hard to fit in and also find it hard to adjust to new things but it should be okay. For the past few hours I’ve been writing in my journal and reading a book about The French Revolution. It made me feel slightly better because when I woke up this morning I was going to throw up from my nerves. I hate that I get like this and it happens all too often.

I also got an uneasy call from my academic advisor this morning. He basically told me that I need my own laptop to do the program. I was just planning to get my work done at the library until I could get approve for a loan or until I could save up for a laptop. It’s just not an option. I’m feeling a little worried about it but I just hope I can push out the semester to fall. If not I guess I’ll just reapply. Why is life so fucking hard to figure out?

Anyway yesterday was a really nice day out with my brother and a few friends. I honestly planned yesterday to be boring and at home but we did a lot.

We first went to a restaurant called Chef’s Grille. Honestly it was too expensive for what it was. I feel like a lot of restaurants in Murrieta and Temecula are. There is a lot of these restaurants with nice interiors popping up but they just don’t taste great and it’s twenty a plate. That being said it was just okay.

What was nice was I got a lot off my chest. It’s been awhile since I felt like I had a friend other than my mom and Jaime. I know it’s my fault but I just don’t feel like talking to anyone else lately.

After lunch we decided to go to the mall because my brother wanted to buy different frames. We ended up taking a wrong turn and ended up at Mr. Chi again. Apparently they change their glass cups about everyday.

I ended up getting a watermelon soda. It was good but I wish I just got a milk tea instead.

When we got to the mall, my brother decided he would wait to get frames later. We walked around for a little bit. I ended up seeing an old friend at the mall. It had been so long and I’ve missed him. He’s the reason Jaime and I are together honestly. I told him we have to hang out soon. Hopefully I can keep my promise.

After going to the mall we started to walk around. There’s a lot of things to see and do around the mall. We went to Plato’s closet. It’s a thrift store but I guess with standards. My brother got two pairs of shoes. They are really nice I wish I took a picture of them. We also went to a pet store for the hell of it and there was a bird at the front door that could talk. Like it literally says bye as you leave the store. Birds freak me out though.

One time I went to a birthday party in six grade. My friend had a bird and the first things she said is don’t put your finger in the cage. The first thing my dumb ass did was put my finger in the cage. The bird took a pretty good chunk out of my finger and I’ve been traumatized ever since.

Anyway we also went to go throw axes. Well I didn’t and neither did Anna. (I know I didn’t mention names before, oh well!) I felt like I was in Final Destination just waiting for my impeding death. My brother and Joaquin had fun though

After the axe throwing we went home. It was a nice way to close my brother being here. I mean he’s still here but I’m going to be gone for most of the day. I’m really going to miss my brother but I don’t want to think about that right now. I have a hundred other things to worry about and he’ll be fine. It may be awhile till I’ll see him again but I’ll be fine. I have to be.

Saturday Afternoon

I’m counting my last days of freedom my friends. Today Jaime and I actually woke up early to do some errands. We always say we are going to wake up early but never do.

We first went to Kohl’s because Jaime needed more dress pants for work. I fucking hate Kohl’s but I love all the deals they have for fine jewelry. Jaime ended buying me a necklace that I have been wanting for awhile.

He did not buy it for a $125. There is no way in hell I would let him pay that much. He got it for $30 plus a 15% discount. Jcpenny is also a place that has amazing deals on fine jewelry. Most likely unethical though.

I finally went to the bougie tea place and it was so nice. I got some cotton candy milk tea and it comes in a nice reusable glass. It was $5. It’s a high price for tea but at least it comes with a glass you can keep. The place is called Mr. Chi if you are near the Wildomar area but who the fucks lives in the Inland empire? Barely anyone. (This is a lie but honestly there isn’t much to do around here but drink at wineries and breweries)

We came back home and he had to go straight home. I really thought that was going to be the end of my day but I ended going to the Lake Elsinore Outlet with my brother and my mom because my brother needed some new running shoes before he left.

If you don’t know by now, I’m a fucking mall rat. I’m a lot better than I use to be but I still love to shop. It’s one of my biggest character flaws but I remember going to the outlets all the time as a kids growing up. Now it’s just an outlet filled with empty stores. It’s honestly fucking bizarre.

I didn’t buy anything but my mom bought me a tote bag and some pants all for $12! I don’t have a picture of either but here are photos of my outfit and some lunch bag I wanted but I honestly don’t have money to spare like that.

Anyway I see myself creeping out of my depressive episode. I finally cleaned my room and I’m honestly excited to work again.

I’m really having second thoughts on school. I’m starting to finally come afloat with my finances and I’m really about to get myself into more debt. I’m really not fucking excited about it. I know I don’t have to but getting a degree is the only way I feel I can be a fucking adult with a fucking “adult” job. I hate it.

Anyway my friends I’m watching a movie right now that’s on Hulu. It’s called I’m Just Fucking With You. I’m about half way in and it’s bizarre. It’s a thriller and I’m still not sure what exactly is going on but I do enjoy it. I’ll have to write about it tomorrow when I’m finished. I really should do movie reviews because I’m always watching a movie.

That reminds me so I finished the movie Always Be My Maybe on Netflix. I liked it because I’m a huge fan of romcoms and it reminded me of the San Francisco so much and I’ve been really homesick lately for some reason. What I didn’t like is I’m tired of this trope that’s always in romcoms that a rich person is all depressed, rude as fuck, and lonely. They have everything in life but love. I’m tired of the same fucking story honestly. There are too many romcoms out there with this trope. I still enjoyed it though.

I also watched another movie yesterday called The Perfection. It’s on Netflix and all I can say is that movie is fucked up. It’s a weird thriller about music prodigies and some pedophelia elements.

That’s all I got for today my friends, until next time.

Friday Afternoon

I feel like things are getting better slowly. I’m starting my new job on Monday and I’m excited. My brother leaves for combat training on Tuesday. It sucks because I won’t be able to be there to send him off but I spent all the time I could with him and it’s not that time yet! So I’m going to try and not be bummed.

So yesterday Jaime, my brother and I went to Oceanside. It’s been so long. Jaime and I use to go at least once a week but finances hasn’t been so strong lately but they are getting better.

We went to the beach first, had a few splashes of beer at Barrel Republic, and then ate too much at the sunset market.

Later on Jaime and I went to our favorite brewery and watched Game 1 of the Finals. I’m going for the Raptors because I’m fucking tired of watching the Warriors win. I’m also a fan of Kawhi Leonard. Anyway it was so nice seeing the Raptors win but I’m not too confident they could actually win the Finals.

Jaime and I are doing a lot better. I’m happy that things between us are going back to normal. The stress it causes me when we are fighting or not seeing eye to eye is truly unbearable.

Today I truly haven’t done much and probably won’t either. I’ve been feeling sick lately. I have body aches and my lymph nodes are swollen but no other symptom has hit me yet. I really want to get some tea though from this bougie tea and boba place that has been open for awhile in town but haven’t gone yet.

At the moment though I’m watching this new romcom on Netflix called Always Be My Maybe. It’s good so far if you like romcoms. Also it’s so San Francisco it’s painful. I really do miss San Francisco but I just know it’s not the same.

Until next time my friends!

Tuesday Afternoon

Things seem to be looking up my friends. I got a job offer from all the places I got an interview with so I officially have a job but don’t know when I start.

I still have to figure out my school stuff but I feel better than I have in the past few months which that is progress my friends.

My brother came back from boot camp.

It’s so nice to have him back. My fear of his changing was for nothing. He’s exactly the same but with tons of stories.

That’s why I haven’t been writing much. Before he came back I tried to get a lot of things done around the house like taking out tile, painting and fixing up my room. None of these are done but I have gotten far and my body is still so sore.

The past few days have been family oriented which is a lot of me sitting on the couch watching my brother play video games and a lot of dinners out which has been nice.

My brother has to go back to Camp Pendleton for combat training and then goes to Rhode Island for his MOS training. He doesn’t know where he is getting stationed yet but I hope it’s not too far or a place that sucks like North Carolina. (Sorry to all the North Carolina people!)

There was a brief period where I really thought I was pregnant but I guess my period symptoms were on crack. Usually the only symptoms I get before my period are sore boobs and being moody. (I’m always moody though) This period was earlier that usual and I was constipated, bloated, and I suffered from swollen gums which I guess is a thing when you are pregnant.

I think every month that goes by I always think about the possibility of being pregnant and being a mom. I wasn’t really sad when I got my period but it just kinda of solidify that being a mom may never happen for me and it’s okay.

I feel myself sometimes distancing myself from Jaime. I still feel some type of way with his family situation. He has never defended me or even tried to talk to them about treating me better. Sometimes I feel like he cares about their feelings more than mine. As if he expects me to accept things just as they are.It’s been awhile since we argued but some of the things he has said during arguments hasn’t slipped my mind. I love him but sometimes I feel the respect for one another is not mutual. I think part of it is he’s been working a lot more that usual. It’s just been hard. Why are relationships so fucking hard?

I have also been thinking about forgiveness. I always felt forgiveness is the only way of being free in your mind and soul but I don’t see it that way anymore. I don’t see a problem with cutting people out my life who aren’t good for me. I still trying to figure out if that is a good way to live. I have been wrong about a lot of things in my life but I’m tired of excusing people’s shitty behavior. It has caused me more harm than good. I know people make mistakes and no one is perfect but I can’t surround myself around people who feel like they can’t do no wrong and can’t say sorry.

I don’t know my friends, I’m slowly figuring things out. I’m slowly healing myself back to a normal state.