To be specific it’s been about two weeks since I have written anything. I have thought about it but couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I’ve been just trying to get it together my friends because I did lose my shit. I lost my shit in a Big 5 parking lot. I was freaking out in Jaime’s car and he pulled into a Big 5 parking lot and I just fucking lost it.
I couldn’t stand it anymore, to be in a place where I’m not welcomed, in a town I know no one and it’s boring as fuck. I couldn’t stand that the dead end job I was in. It all became too fucking much.
So I left Hemet. I moved in with my mom and I feel better. I still have fucking rage and discontent for Jaime’s family. It’s concerning because I don’t know if it will go away but I guess all that matters is that I’m not losing my fucking mind.
I do feel concerned about money. I don’t have a job right now and Jaime isn’t really making money right now. It’s stressful. I’m still waiting on ASU but I might just do cosmetology school. I tell myself that I need to do something but continue to do nothing. I just can’t do that anymore. I fucking hate that I’m going to get myself in a shit ton of debt but I don’t know what else to do to be okay, to be comfortable.
The days have been okay but it’s been a lot of staying in and cleaning. I’ve also been hanging out with my mom a lot which has been nice. It’s been refreshing to be honest.
Jaime and I are doing okay. It’s just been weird. I don’t know why. I just hope things get better between us soon. I guess I couldn’t expect marriage to always be easy.
Life has been full of ups and downs. Mostly downs if I want to be real.
The past few days have kept me busy. On Sunday I went to the Millennium tour with my cousins.
(Only one cousin pictured)
It was cool. Yin Yang twins were the best performers but I’m so glad I got to finally see Lloyd live. Lloyd is probably my favorite r&b musician unless Partynextdoor counts.
Although I feel I overshared with my cousins. My family likes to talk and usually not in a positive light. It’s whatever. I’m really honestly fucking over it. People talk shit when you are doing good and when you are doing bad. What’s a girl to do? I’m a little concerned about one of my cousins. I knew she was going through it but she made it evident that day that she wasn’t okay.
On Monday, Jaime and I rented a yurt in Carlsbad.
It was really nice but I did for sure ended up drinking too much. I hate the person I become when I drink too much sometimes.
The best part was being by the beach. I don’t know but I always feel the most at ease when I’m at the beach. It’s the only thing that can convince me that everything is going to be okay.
I’m sorry guys. I feel like I’m being very vague and not very interesting. I just want to stay dedicated to writing because I need something to keep me sane because I feel like I’m losing my shit.
Day 28- Most embarrassing moment
I have a lot to be honest. I think my most embarrassing moment is in middle school.
I had a huge crush on this guy. It was like an obsession to be honest. The only thing was he had a girlfriend. That didn’t stop me though. I wrote him a love letter and had my friends give it to him. The next day his girlfriend told me my letter was cute. I still haven’t recovered.
My friends I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I walked out of my work Half Baked style. I didn’t cuss at anyone. I just grab everything from my locker, took my name tag off, clocked out and left.
I really couldn’t take it anymore. I really tried but it wasn’t worth it. I was seeing my mental health going down the drain and the whole point of moving to Hemet and starting a new job was to improve on it. It’s only gotten worse since I have left Murrieta but I think I’m really starting to see some sunshine in my life.
I applied to school for real. It’s a big amount but I can’t go on working at these shitty places. I need to focus on myself and I guess my education. I hate playing into this silly system but it has to be done. I’m just not excited about the expenses.
My anniversary is coming up and considering my friend is getting married a day after our anniversary, we can’t really do anything on the actual date. This upcoming Monday, we are going glamping in a yurt in Carlsbad. I’m pretty excited. I swear I’m always stressing but I always find the time and somehow the money to get away.
Like the other day I went to San Clemente. It’s a pretty boring beach town if you ask me but it’s still pretty. I did go to this amazing book store and bought too many books. Three on the French Revolution, one on drugs and corruption, one of the Wall Street crash and a David Sedaris’s book. Also had a good time at Pizza Port. For some reason I was convinced I didn’t like their beer but I’m a fan.
This weekend I don’t have much planned but on Sunday I’m going to the Millennium tour in LA and I’m so excited. I’m going with my cousins and for some reason I get anxiety when thinking about hanging out with my family. I mean shit everything gives me anxiety.
My brother sent me a letter the other day and it was such a shitty day and I’m just so glad that he’s alive. I’m being dramatic but it’s so weird to have someone you care about not be so far away but you can’t really communicate with them.
I’m a mess my friends but things are looking up, I promise.
Day 24: What Attracts You (In Love)
I have only been legitimately in love twice in my life. I don’t fall in love easily because I don’t take most men seriously. I loved these two people for different reasons so I’ll explain each one.
My first love: I fell in love because he was a huge romantic. My relationship was a lot of grand gestures. One of the biggest ones he did was set up a whole scavenger hunt around San Francisco and all the places had a meaning. It was really sweet considering we were broken up at the time. I liked how smart he was. It’s been awhile but that’s all I can think of why I loved him. Maybe that’s why we didn’t last. I do want to get this out of the way, whoever said your first love is your best love was full of shit or lucky. I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted though.
My second love (my husband): My husband isn’t super romantic, the biggest grand gesture was proposing to me on top of the Rockefeller’s center. I love how affectionate he is. Always kisses me when we see each other after a long time away from each other and always kisses me goodbye. He always holds my hand. He always sit on my side of the booth at restaurants. He’s my very best friend. I can tell him anything. There’s nothing that comes to my mind that I can’t tell him. I have never felt that with anyone. I love his laugh. I love his touch. I guess it best to say I just love him, flaws and all.
It’s been awhile but I have been busy to be fair. I’m finally going back to work after a week and a half off. It has been so nice and I’m not excited to go back.
Anyway this past weekend was my friend’s Bachelorette party. The first night I had too much fun. The second night I was just hungover. The third day was cleaning up and a long trek back home. (We were in Santa Ynez which is the wine country of Santa Barbara)
It’s so crazy to think that I met my friend just a few years ago working at Lowes. We were just two young single girls who were boy crazy and just wildin out on the weekend. Now we are two old ladies with their husbands. It’s crazy how fast the years go by and how much change happens in those years. I can’t seem to get over it.
The other days I have been lazy like usual, hanging out with my mom and hanging out with Jaime and also one of his sisters. I have calmed down about the family situation but I really still don’t feel good about it. I’m tired of fighting for acceptance and love. This isn’t grade school, you know?But trying to ignoring all the bullshit around you and not being bitter in the heart is hard.
Also I watched Us yesterday and did want to talk about it a little bit.
I was entertained by the movie but I do think it was just ok. I don’t think it’s fair to compare Get Out and Us because they are two different movies with wildly different concepts. I think Lupita Nyong’o did an amazing job and I love the visuals and the score. I just think the story was a bit sloppy. I would still recommend seeing it but it’s not mind blowing. What I got out of it was the relationship with class in America. It’s suppose to be a metaphor but it really is lost in a weird narrative of underground people and it’s a bit ableist. Class conversations are very important to me but like I said I don’t think it was done well. One movie that I did enjoy and I feel did it successfully was Sorry To Bother You.
Whew my friends life has been rough and beautiful at the same time.
Yesterday was my birthday and I didn’t do much other than go to a brewery, get drunk and then pass out. Jaime and I went to Rosarito on Monday for my birthday which was really nice.
Jaime and I were in a rough spot for a couple of weeks. We haven’t been seeing eye to eye. It was nice having the time to talk and spend time together. It almost felt like falling in love in the beginning but better because we already know each other. No bullshit.
I just want to say that I really love Mexico and forgot how much I loved Mexico. It’s not even that far, about a two hour drive. My family use to go to Mexico all the time when I was younger. We stopped going when the whole cartel situation got really bad.
Anyway the rough stuff is Hemet isn’t really working out. I do like Hemet and I think all the shit talking about it is blatant classism. I also don’t live in a bad area. Is there a lot of homelessness where I live? Yes but I literally forgot to lock my door and left it wide open for hours and not one thing was stolen.
Hemet isn’t working out because roommates. I just have a problem with people who don’t hold themselves at the same standard. I understand she stressed or whatever but it’s been constant lately and I’m honestly over it after the shit she pulled yesterday. I told Jaime I don’t want to live here anymore and that’s it. I already talked to my mom and it’s done.
It was my birthday yesterday and for the most part I don’t care if people forget or what not but my in-laws didn’t say a word to me. I’m done trying to be okay with their blatant disrespect. It’s not like this is the only thing they have done to me. Every family event, they never include me and say “oh we didn’t know she was coming.” Jaime and I have been married almost a year and I have been a significant person in his life for three years and it seems to be getting worse and not better and I have came to a conclusion that I don’t need that in my life. I have stayed so neutral and kind because of Jaime but I can’t do it anymore.
I won’t put up with bullshit anymore. I’m too old and bitter for it.