Friday Afternoon

I feel like things are getting better slowly. I’m starting my new job on Monday and I’m excited. My brother leaves for combat training on Tuesday. It sucks because I won’t be able to be there to send him off but I spent all the time I could with him and it’s not that time yet! So I’m going to try and not be bummed.

So yesterday Jaime, my brother and I went to Oceanside. It’s been so long. Jaime and I use to go at least once a week but finances hasn’t been so strong lately but they are getting better.

We went to the beach first, had a few splashes of beer at Barrel Republic, and then ate too much at the sunset market.

Later on Jaime and I went to our favorite brewery and watched Game 1 of the Finals. I’m going for the Raptors because I’m fucking tired of watching the Warriors win. I’m also a fan of Kawhi Leonard. Anyway it was so nice seeing the Raptors win but I’m not too confident they could actually win the Finals.

Jaime and I are doing a lot better. I’m happy that things between us are going back to normal. The stress it causes me when we are fighting or not seeing eye to eye is truly unbearable.

Today I truly haven’t done much and probably won’t either. I’ve been feeling sick lately. I have body aches and my lymph nodes are swollen but no other symptom has hit me yet. I really want to get some tea though from this bougie tea and boba place that has been open for awhile in town but haven’t gone yet.

At the moment though I’m watching this new romcom on Netflix called Always Be My Maybe. It’s good so far if you like romcoms. Also it’s so San Francisco it’s painful. I really do miss San Francisco but I just know it’s not the same.

Until next time my friends!

Avocado Jones

It was about a week before the Jameson bartenders ball and you texted me out of the blue to be your date. I said yes but I was nervous. We hadn’t really established a true friendship, just a vain acquaintanceship. It didn’t help that you were a Regina George, a true Courtney Alice Shayne. 

I spent all day trying to find the perfect outfit to impress you. I just ended up saying fuck it and took the 48 to your house. Just to find out you were freaking out too. You couldn’t find a belt and didn’t want to be seen with me without a belt.

We ended up going to some posh bar on Valencia where the bartenders were as pretentious as the atmosphere.

You told me you were in love with the pretty boy bartender with the Macklemore haircut and rode a roadster bike.

I asked you “How many times have you been in love?”

You took the Rose Quartz that was around my neck and placed it on your forehead and started to cry.

You looked at me and said “I fall in love every single day.”

That exact moment is when I fell in love with you.

Tuesday Afternoon

Things seem to be looking up my friends. I got a job offer from all the places I got an interview with so I officially have a job but don’t know when I start.

I still have to figure out my school stuff but I feel better than I have in the past few months which that is progress my friends.

My brother came back from boot camp.

It’s so nice to have him back. My fear of his changing was for nothing. He’s exactly the same but with tons of stories.

That’s why I haven’t been writing much. Before he came back I tried to get a lot of things done around the house like taking out tile, painting and fixing up my room. None of these are done but I have gotten far and my body is still so sore.

The past few days have been family oriented which is a lot of me sitting on the couch watching my brother play video games and a lot of dinners out which has been nice.

My brother has to go back to Camp Pendleton for combat training and then goes to Rhode Island for his MOS training. He doesn’t know where he is getting stationed yet but I hope it’s not too far or a place that sucks like North Carolina. (Sorry to all the North Carolina people!)

There was a brief period where I really thought I was pregnant but I guess my period symptoms were on crack. Usually the only symptoms I get before my period are sore boobs and being moody. (I’m always moody though) This period was earlier that usual and I was constipated, bloated, and I suffered from swollen gums which I guess is a thing when you are pregnant.

I think every month that goes by I always think about the possibility of being pregnant and being a mom. I wasn’t really sad when I got my period but it just kinda of solidify that being a mom may never happen for me and it’s okay.

I feel myself sometimes distancing myself from Jaime. I still feel some type of way with his family situation. He has never defended me or even tried to talk to them about treating me better. Sometimes I feel like he cares about their feelings more than mine. As if he expects me to accept things just as they are.It’s been awhile since we argued but some of the things he has said during arguments hasn’t slipped my mind. I love him but sometimes I feel the respect for one another is not mutual. I think part of it is he’s been working a lot more that usual. It’s just been hard. Why are relationships so fucking hard?

I have also been thinking about forgiveness. I always felt forgiveness is the only way of being free in your mind and soul but I don’t see it that way anymore. I don’t see a problem with cutting people out my life who aren’t good for me. I still trying to figure out if that is a good way to live. I have been wrong about a lot of things in my life but I’m tired of excusing people’s shitty behavior. It has caused me more harm than good. I know people make mistakes and no one is perfect but I can’t surround myself around people who feel like they can’t do no wrong and can’t say sorry.

I don’t know my friends, I’m slowly figuring things out. I’m slowly healing myself back to a normal state.

It’s been awhile

To be specific it’s been about two weeks since I have written anything. I have thought about it but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I’ve been just trying to get it together my friends because I did lose my shit. I lost my shit in a Big 5 parking lot. I was freaking out in Jaime’s car and he pulled into a Big 5 parking lot and I just fucking lost it.

I couldn’t stand it anymore, to be in a place where I’m not welcomed, in a town I know no one and it’s boring as fuck. I couldn’t stand that the dead end job I was in. It all became too fucking much.

So I left Hemet. I moved in with my mom and I feel better. I still have fucking rage and discontent for Jaime’s family. It’s concerning because I don’t know if it will go away but I guess all that matters is that I’m not losing my fucking mind.

I do feel concerned about money. I don’t have a job right now and Jaime isn’t really making money right now. It’s stressful. I’m still waiting on ASU but I might just do cosmetology school. I tell myself that I need to do something but continue to do nothing. I just can’t do that anymore. I fucking hate that I’m going to get myself in a shit ton of debt but I don’t know what else to do to be okay, to be comfortable.

The days have been okay but it’s been a lot of staying in and cleaning. I’ve also been hanging out with my mom a lot which has been nice. It’s been refreshing to be honest.

Jaime and I are doing okay. It’s just been weird. I don’t know why. I just hope things get better between us soon. I guess I couldn’t expect marriage to always be easy.

Tuesday Afternoon

Life has been full of ups and downs. Mostly downs if I want to be real.

The past few days have kept me busy. On Sunday I went to the Millennium tour with my cousins.

(Only one cousin pictured)

It was cool. Yin Yang twins were the best performers but I’m so glad I got to finally see Lloyd live. Lloyd is probably my favorite r&b musician unless Partynextdoor counts.

Although I feel I overshared with my cousins. My family likes to talk and usually not in a positive light. It’s whatever. I’m really honestly fucking over it. People talk shit when you are doing good and when you are doing bad. What’s a girl to do? I’m a little concerned about one of my cousins. I knew she was going through it but she made it evident that day that she wasn’t okay.

On Monday, Jaime and I rented a yurt in Carlsbad.

It was really nice but I did for sure ended up drinking too much. I hate the person I become when I drink too much sometimes.

The best part was being by the beach. I don’t know but I always feel the most at ease when I’m at the beach. It’s the only thing that can convince me that everything is going to be okay.

I’m sorry guys. I feel like I’m being very vague and not very interesting. I just want to stay dedicated to writing because I need something to keep me sane because I feel like I’m losing my shit.

30 Day Blog Challenge Day 28

Day 28- Most embarrassing moment

I have a lot to be honest. I think my most embarrassing moment is in middle school.

I had a huge crush on this guy. It was like an obsession to be honest. The only thing was he had a girlfriend. That didn’t stop me though. I wrote him a love letter and had my friends give it to him. The next day his girlfriend told me my letter was cute. I still haven’t recovered.