I patiently waited seven hours
for a doctor to tell me
I’m pretty sure you are having a tubular pregnancy
but we are going wait until Friday just in case
I ended up back in the ER
from the pain
just for them to tell me
that the baby that wasn’t viable was already dying
The doctor asked me to come back tomorrow
for a shot of methotrexate
I already had $300 in co-pays
My husband bought me a five pack of cotton panties since I own no underwear
My mom bought me heavy pads for the bleeding
I bought a CBG cartridge for the pain
Before I got the shot
a nurse looks me in the eye and asked me if I wanted to do this for sure
of a dream that was already dead
before it even started
It’s been about two months since my tubular pregnancy and it’s been quite the roller coaster ride. A lot of crying spells, a lot of uncertainty, and a lot of a bunch of different emotions. (I know this is a incomplete sentence.)
At the moment I keep going back and forth if I even want kids. I want to take a chunk of time off and just travel for a little bit with Jaime. If we have a kid this will be delayed until they grow up. I also like the idea of a tiny home which isn’t ideal or conventional with children. Hell I don’t even know if I can have children at this point. I really haven’t checked into my fertility after it happened. Doctors and hospitals are the most exhausting things to deal with.
I just can’t shake the feeling though. One of my coworkers brought in her newborn. It sparked that desire of wanting to be a mother again. It’s so crazy that you really can create a human being with the person you love and watch them grow, essentially molding someone for the world they have to live in. You see them experience new things as simple as looking at themselves in the mirror or eating a lemon. (This is like high talk) It’s just wild to me though. It’s a concept that my mind can’t fully grasp but I know is a beautiful experience.
The other day I caught myself watching videos that made me emotional. I re watched the very emotional Kylie Jenner video for her daughter. I’m not a huge fan but that video perfectly captures I guess the experience I idealize. I also watched a buzzfeed video where a guy talks about his first ten days of being a father and he has some struggles because at one moment his baby’s oxygen levels went down and his baby had to go to the NICU. I definitely cried watching these videos.
I still don’t know what’s right for me but I can’t be afraid to talk about these things. I have to be open with myself and other people or I’ll “never get over it”. I don’t think the feeling of losing a baby will go away but I feel I can have a better way of coping. It’s weird when it first happened everyone is so quick to say that they are there for you but when I come to talk to them, they seem uncomfortable with the idea. I think it’s because I act very nonchalant about it. It’s something that happened and there is nothing I can do to change it. I just hope my mind can figure things out.
On May 26th I took a home pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant. I can’t tell you exactly how I felt. It was a rush of bliss and fear all at the same time. On May 30th everything had changed. I always find a way to jump the gun. Jaime and I had already been to Babies R Us and to some cute kid boutiques in Laguna Beach. I was already researching baby shower ideas, maternity shoots and clothing, and since I feel a little weird about gender reveal parties but Jaime was into it, I was looking into that as well. But On May 30th everything had changed. I was at work and I decided to use the bathroom. After I’m done I just see deep red inside the toilet bowl. I started to panic and cry. I knew something was wrong.
I go to the ER to find out I’m not having a miscarriage but an ectopic pregnancy. If you don’t know what that is, it’s basically when the baby doesn’t develop in your uterus like it suppose to. Most of ectopic pregnancies, the baby develops in the fallopian tube. The baby can not survive this way and neither can you. If you wait your fallopian tube will most likely rupture and you will most likely die from the internal bleeding.
Luckily enough for me I was already miscarrying the ectopic pregnancy, so they gave me an injection of methotrexate to be on the safe side. Methotrexate is a low dosage of chemo that kills all your growing cells. If you were like me they also give you painful cramps to the point you can barely move.
At first I didn’t want to talk about it. I just didn’t want to think about it. I felt angry. I felt hurt. I felt like it was all my fault. I came to the point where I was going crazy. (I still am just not as much) The more I talk about it with people, the less alone I feel. I never realized how much fertility issues has affected people I know. It doesn’t help with wanting to try again though. I just feel hopeless with the idea of trying again. I don’t want to feel this way or to go through all the stupid shit and the pain emotionally and physically. I’m hoping I will have the courage but it’s all fresh and new at the moment: