Wednesday Afternoon

I have actually gotten out of bed and out of my room without needing to actually do something my friends and it feels nice. It’s mostly because my sister in law is on spring break and my mother in law came over and I just don’t feel like dealing with it.

I walked down to a local coffee shop, even though I don’t drink coffee anymore, I bought a sandwich and played this Iphone game I’ve been obsessed with for awhile. It’s similar to candy crush but it has a legit story and some interior design involved.

I don’t know what it is about today but I feel better. Do I keep thinking about how shitty my life is right now? Sure but I’m a little hopeful. I finally paid the $70 application fee for school and that shit hurted. (I know this isn’t a word I did it intentional) I’m starting to stress about money a little bit. I know we should be fine but still. I hate stressing about money.

I keep thinking about my job I just quit. There were some elements that I liked. Customers were really nice. I did have very few cool coworkers. It got me to eat better and got me to cook more. I also realize rationalizing a hostile work environment is not good for me either. I do think it is a bit odd though when I quit I called the day after and talked to one of my mangers, Sara. I always liked her because she’s a legit a good person and one of the best managers I have had despite the shitty job. I mean she was really cool. She really knows how to communicate correctly, doesn’t dehumanize you. The way she said good bye was weird to me. It felt so nice and sincere. (Not saying it wasn’t but I did walk out of the place in the middle of my shift and that clearly doesn’t make for a nice clean good bye) I still don’t feel comfortable going there though and it’s the closest grocery store near by. I’m having Jaime drive me to Winco tonight to save me some anxiety.

I wanted my blog to be private but I don’t care anymore, I’m starting to question my relationship with Jaime’s family. When we first got together it wasn’t bad. I truly felt they were inviting. I don’t know what happened but then I felt I just started to get ignored by a lot of his family, so much so that no one in his family knows a thing about me. Just the things I post on Instagram which let’s be honest is all performative bullshit. It bothered me a little because I would go to his family events to be sitting in a corner the whole time being ignored while Jaime is being pulled in many different directions. I thought maybe I should be more outgoing but it’s not my fault I’m not super bubbly. I wasn’t made that way.

When we got married it got even worse. Small comments here and there. I think the worse time is when I went over to my other sister in laws house for a small gathering and Jaime’s mom said “I didn’t know she was coming.” So they only saved Jaime food. To put it in better perspective, I was already living with one of my sister in laws, (They all live about a ten minute radius from each other) I had no job, so why wouldn’t I come? Especially considering that I always go to family events even without Jaime.

I’m becoming a little more upset by my living situation too. Don’t get me wrong I moved out of my apartment because I wanted to save money and I needed a break so Jaime and I agreed to move in with my sister in law to help her out, with that being said I could of done the same thing and moved in with my mom which is honestly better to me because I know and love my mom. I love Jaime’s family and I do care about them because at the end of the day that’s my husband’s family but they have made an effort to show me I’m not part of their family.

When we first moved in, everything was cool. We did have a small hiccup because she said something stupid and insensitive about kids. Never did apologize for it but it’s whatever. Then about two months ago she keeps sending us these lists through texts of everything we are fucking up on, which was irritating because on these lists she would do some of these things. The time where I had enough is when she texted us on my birthday about moving our dogs to the garage. Maybe I’m too much but she already doesn’t have that great of air conditioning as it is and  (I have pugs and summers get well over 100 degrees in Hemet), there are rats and black widows. Why would I move my dogs in there. So I took my dogs to my mom’s house. She ignored us (especially me) for a month until we gave her extra money for the water bill that Jaime’s mom asked us to give her. (That’s another thing that’s fucking irritating. Jaime’s mom call Jaime asking him if we can pay $1000 instead of $600 because Jaime’s dad is running out of savings. Why on earth would I have left my apartment to pay $1000 for a room?)

It makes me upset that money is the only reason she started talking to me. She started talking to Jaime and sometimes she purposely only says hi to him. I literally have done nothing to her but move my dogs out because I didn’t want them staying in the garage.

I really do want to move out but I don’t want to screw her over. I know she’s stressed and overwhelmed but man so am I and I don’t take it out on people like that.

The good thing is I’m out. In one of the places that I love, the library. I’m going to spend the next hour reading Toni Morrison and although my life is a fucking scramble, shit will figure itself out.

I want to thank my readers out there who comment and tell me to keep writing and that things will be okay. I see you and appreciate you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday Afternoon

Life has been full of ups and downs. Mostly downs if I want to be real.

The past few days have kept me busy. On Sunday I went to the Millennium tour with my cousins.

(Only one cousin pictured)

It was cool. Yin Yang twins were the best performers but I’m so glad I got to finally see Lloyd live. Lloyd is probably my favorite r&b musician unless Partynextdoor counts.

Although I feel I overshared with my cousins. My family likes to talk and usually not in a positive light. It’s whatever. I’m really honestly fucking over it. People talk shit when you are doing good and when you are doing bad. What’s a girl to do? I’m a little concerned about one of my cousins. I knew she was going through it but she made it evident that day that she wasn’t okay.

On Monday, Jaime and I rented a yurt in Carlsbad.

It was really nice but I did for sure ended up drinking too much. I hate the person I become when I drink too much sometimes.

The best part was being by the beach. I don’t know but I always feel the most at ease when I’m at the beach. It’s the only thing that can convince me that everything is going to be okay.

I’m sorry guys. I feel like I’m being very vague and not very interesting. I just want to stay dedicated to writing because I need something to keep me sane because I feel like I’m losing my shit.

Friday Evening

My friends I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I walked out of my work Half Baked style. I didn’t cuss at anyone. I just grab everything from my locker, took my name tag off, clocked out and left.

I really couldn’t take it anymore. I really tried but it wasn’t worth it. I was seeing my mental health going down the drain and the whole point of moving to Hemet and starting a new job was to improve on it. It’s only gotten worse since I have left Murrieta but I think I’m really starting to see some sunshine in my life.

I applied to school for real. It’s a big amount but I can’t go on working at these shitty places. I need to focus on myself and I guess my education. I hate playing into this silly system but it has to be done. I’m just not excited about the expenses.

My anniversary is coming up and considering my friend is getting married a day after our anniversary, we can’t really do anything on the actual date. This upcoming Monday, we are going glamping in a yurt in Carlsbad. I’m pretty excited. I swear I’m always stressing but I always find the time and somehow the money to get away.

Like the other day I went to San Clemente. It’s a pretty boring beach town if you ask me but it’s still pretty. I did go to this amazing book store and bought too many books. Three on the French Revolution, one on drugs and corruption, one of the Wall Street crash and a David Sedaris’s book. Also had a good time at Pizza Port. For some reason I was convinced I didn’t like their beer but I’m a fan.

This weekend I don’t have much planned but on Sunday I’m going to the Millennium tour in LA and I’m so excited. I’m going with my cousins and for some reason I get anxiety when thinking about hanging out with my family. I mean shit everything gives me anxiety.

My brother sent me a letter the other day and it was such a shitty day and I’m just so glad that he’s alive. I’m being dramatic but it’s so weird to have someone you care about not be so far away but you can’t really communicate with them.

I’m a mess my friends but things are looking up, I promise.

Tuesday Morning

It’s been awhile my friends but like I mentioned in my last post I have been in a weird funk. (I mean suffering from depression and anxiety)

I’m starting to feel better though but my job and living conditions aren’t the greatest right now. I said I was going to move back to Murrieta but I really don’t want to screw over my sister in law even though I can’t stand her right now.

My job has been weird lately. It’s gotten better though for the most part. People have stopped being so rude but it’s still uncomfortable. Also there was this moment where my manager started yelling at this black lady over a price. I wish I was exaggerating but she was right next to my ear screaming at this woman. It was a forty cent difference. Something similar happened the same day and she gave the customer the product for the different price. It made me extremely uncomfortable because I could see the bias as clear as day. I haven’t gotten over it.

Enough about work because I’m honestly close to quitting. I have done some fun things like go to Palm Springs!

Jaime and I went to the Aerial Tramway and it was unreal. I think we did get altitude sickness because We had a headache that day We couldn’t shake but it was worth it.

I have been spending a lot more time with my mom which is good. I’ve always took my mom for granted and I realize that now. She such an amazing person and I honestly just want to be the best I can be for her. She has been my only friend other than Jaime. We went to the beach last week and just been doing a lot of shopping in between.

I think I have been a weird mood lately because a lot of shit is coming up. My first wedding anniversary which we still haven’t figured out. My friend’s wedding which I’m actually in. My sister in law is graduating but Jaime and I haven’t been speaking with her but her graduation is in Arizona so we should be making plans soon. I just want this month to be over already. I just want to be in somewhere new with no one to worry about.

30 Day Blog Challenge Day 25

Day 25- Your Biggest Regret

I think we all have things in life we wished we did differently. I honestly can say I probably don’t have any regrets. I like the person I am now and if I didn’t fuck up a couple times I wouldn’t be who I am.

So I’m sticking to it. No Regrets!

Wednesday Morning

It’s been awhile but I have been busy to be fair. I’m finally going back to work after a week and a half off. It has been so nice and I’m not excited to go back.

Anyway this past weekend was my friend’s Bachelorette party. The first night I had too much fun. The second night I was just hungover. The third day was cleaning up and a long trek back home. (We were in Santa Ynez which is the wine country of Santa Barbara)

It’s so crazy to think that I met my friend just a few years ago working at Lowes. We were just two young single girls who were boy crazy and just wildin out on the weekend. Now we are two old ladies with their husbands. It’s crazy how fast the years go by and how much change happens in those years. I can’t seem to get over it.

The other days I have been lazy like usual, hanging out with my mom and hanging out with Jaime and also one of his sisters. I have calmed down about the family situation but I really still don’t feel good about it. I’m tired of fighting for acceptance and love. This isn’t grade school, you know?But trying to ignoring all the bullshit around you and not being bitter in the heart is hard.

Also I watched Us yesterday and did want to talk about it a little bit.

I was entertained by the movie but I do think it was just ok. I don’t think it’s fair to compare Get Out and Us because they are two different movies with wildly different concepts. I think Lupita Nyong’o did an amazing job and I love the visuals and the score. I just think the story was a bit sloppy. I would still recommend seeing it but it’s not mind blowing. What I got out of it was the relationship with class in America. It’s suppose to be a metaphor but it really is lost in a weird narrative of underground people and it’s a bit ableist. Class conversations are very important to me but like I said I don’t think it was done well. One movie that I did enjoy and I feel did it successfully was Sorry To Bother You.