Saturday Afternoon

My friends, life seems to be looking up a little but my anxiety has not waned. I got accepted into ASU so I’m excited about that!

Not too excited to figure out how everything is going to be paid for but I’ll figure it out. I really need a laptop before the semester starts which is July 3rd but somehow I always manage to pull shit off. I have had a few interviews in the past few days but I’m not too hopeful of a positive outcome but I’m okay with that because right now things might not be great but I’m okay.

So the past few days have been of great highs and lows. I have been drinking more than usual which is never a good sign but I guess it could be worse.

The other day was one of my cousin’s birthday. We went to get ramen in San Diego. You could feel the tension between my Tia and my older cousin. You could cut that shit with a knife. My mom could tell the tension between Jaime and I.

For the most part the experience was good. I think we all irritate each other but at the end of the day we are all family and that’s all that matters.

The other day Jaime and I ended up at the brewery after a trip to the social security office. I’m officially an Ojeda! Only after a year of marriage. I guess our favorite breweries and a bunch of other local breweries were doing a craft week. If you get at least three stamps in this craft beer “passport”, you’ll get an enamel pin.

Well I got the pin but I also drank too much. Jaime and I ended up hanging out with one of his friends. I got into it with Jaime’s friend about abortion. He started to make a point about an abortion law in New York and I got upset because he was misinformed. I hate how a lot of men talk to women and act like they know everything after listening to a Joe Rogan podcast. I was fucking furious. I might have to do a whole other post about abortion because all this foolishness happening around America has made me feel some type of way. The way Jaime talked to me about it also made me very angry. But I was really drunk so I was able to let it go for the rest of the day.

(Here’s a picture of me getting stressed out when Jaime’s friend doesn’t break up his weed before smoking it)

When we got home I brought it up about how he spoke to me and he got really defensive. It got really bad. I didn’t talk to him for a day. I have never done that but I’m over being walked over and letting people get away with being shitty. I’m too old and bitter for it.

But last night surprisingly we found a way to communicate without yelling and without someone shutting down. Things are starting to look up because that is our biggest problem, communication.

Alright friends I’m about to go back to taking out tile off the floor. I’m a true DIYer. I made my mom some shoes the other day I have to take a picture of them because they came out really great. Anyway I’m also watching Pose which is so good. It reminds me of Paris is Burning and I know I bring that documentary up so much but it’s my true inspiration.

Tuesday Afternoon

I don’t know what’s been going on with my life to be honest. I’m at a point where I hate everyone but my mom. Jaime and I have been getting in big fights everyday for about a week and it’s fucking awful. I don’t have much friends but the one I do have, she got butt hurt because I told her I wouldn’t be able to make it next week to do this painting thing. Maybe I misread it because texts tend to bring a lot of miscommunication but it didn’t seem like she was understanding but oh well.

I had an interview yesterday and it went well. I have a phone interview today and it would be a cool job to have because I won’t really work with anyone else and I would be styling people which is one of my secret dream jobs.

Jaime and I went to grab drinks and everything was going okay but I don’t know he just always finds a way to make me feel like shit. It feels like he never sees my point of view and he doesn’t try to communicate with me. I know relationships are hard and it isn’t sunshine and rainbows all the time but fuck.

I’m so fucking sick and tired of feeling like shit all the time. I don’t remember the last time I felt genuinely happy. It always seems to come in short waves. I even went to In N Out yesterday and I couldn’t enjoy it. I never mentioned this but I’m a huge stan of In N Out. No other burger compares. (Although I’m a fan of Shake Shack peanut butter burger. It’s not on the menu but it’s good I promise!)

I just hope I get this job but I don’t know I’m never to hopeful. I don’t want to get my hopes up if it doesn’t fall through. I don’t need anymore disappointment in my life. I have another interview on Thursday that pays a little more so wish me luck.

Sorry for being such a Debby downer lately but life has not been the brightest and it’s been really hard to see the light through the tunnel. One thing I am looking forward to is my brother is coming back from boot camp. I just hope he hasn’t changed much.

(Here are some photos of Jaime and I before we got in a fight)

Saturday Random Thoughts

  • With Mother’s Day coming up, I really am not ready for people asking me about when I’m thinking about having kids. It surprises me that people can still ask such an insensitive question especially when they know my circumstances. I had to tell my mom the other day that it’s been a year since my tubular pregnancy and I still haven’t gotten pregnant so I just don’t know if it’s going to happen ever. Like it was the most traumatizing experience I have ever had and I don’t think people realize this.
  • I have a job interview on Monday at a higher end retail store and I’m kinda excited. I’ve always wanted to work at a place like this but I can’t get too excited. I also know it’s probably really not that fun to work at.
  • I don’t know if I mentioned this but the show Love on Netflix is really good. I cried at the ending. A lot of the show reminded of Jaime and I. I kinda want to rewatch it again.
  • Man I’m not super into the beauty community but I love and live for drama. That whole James Charles situation doesn’t surprise me. I didn’t know who Tati was before this but she doesn’t fool me. She’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. James Charles has done a lot of shitty things and the time you choose to expose him is when he promoted something that would compete with your brand. Gurrrrll you may of fooled other people but not me.
  • I decided to do my makeup today and I reminded myself why I don’t do this shit. It was fun but it doesn’t look good. At least it doesn’t look good photographed but what’s the point of doing yourself up if it doesn’t do well in photos? (I mean if it makes you feel good that’s all that matters right?)

Wednesday Afternoon

I have actually gotten out of bed and out of my room without needing to actually do something my friends and it feels nice. It’s mostly because my sister in law is on spring break and my mother in law came over and I just don’t feel like dealing with it.

I walked down to a local coffee shop, even though I don’t drink coffee anymore, I bought a sandwich and played this Iphone game I’ve been obsessed with for awhile. It’s similar to candy crush but it has a legit story and some interior design involved.

I don’t know what it is about today but I feel better. Do I keep thinking about how shitty my life is right now? Sure but I’m a little hopeful. I finally paid the $70 application fee for school and that shit hurted. (I know this isn’t a word I did it intentional) I’m starting to stress about money a little bit. I know we should be fine but still. I hate stressing about money.

I keep thinking about my job I just quit. There were some elements that I liked. Customers were really nice. I did have very few cool coworkers. It got me to eat better and got me to cook more. I also realize rationalizing a hostile work environment is not good for me either. I do think it is a bit odd though when I quit I called the day after and talked to one of my mangers, Sara. I always liked her because she’s a legit a good person and one of the best managers I have had despite the shitty job. I mean she was really cool. She really knows how to communicate correctly, doesn’t dehumanize you. The way she said good bye was weird to me. It felt so nice and sincere. (Not saying it wasn’t but I did walk out of the place in the middle of my shift and that clearly doesn’t make for a nice clean good bye) I still don’t feel comfortable going there though and it’s the closest grocery store near by. I’m having Jaime drive me to Winco tonight to save me some anxiety.

I wanted my blog to be private but I don’t care anymore, I’m starting to question my relationship with Jaime’s family. When we first got together it wasn’t bad. I truly felt they were inviting. I don’t know what happened but then I felt I just started to get ignored by a lot of his family, so much so that no one in his family knows a thing about me. Just the things I post on Instagram which let’s be honest is all performative bullshit. It bothered me a little because I would go to his family events to be sitting in a corner the whole time being ignored while Jaime is being pulled in many different directions. I thought maybe I should be more outgoing but it’s not my fault I’m not super bubbly. I wasn’t made that way.

When we got married it got even worse. Small comments here and there. I think the worse time is when I went over to my other sister in laws house for a small gathering and Jaime’s mom said “I didn’t know she was coming.” So they only saved Jaime food. To put it in better perspective, I was already living with one of my sister in laws, (They all live about a ten minute radius from each other) I had no job, so why wouldn’t I come? Especially considering that I always go to family events even without Jaime.

I’m becoming a little more upset by my living situation too. Don’t get me wrong I moved out of my apartment because I wanted to save money and I needed a break so Jaime and I agreed to move in with my sister in law to help her out, with that being said I could of done the same thing and moved in with my mom which is honestly better to me because I know and love my mom. I love Jaime’s family and I do care about them because at the end of the day that’s my husband’s family but they have made an effort to show me I’m not part of their family.

When we first moved in, everything was cool. We did have a small hiccup because she said something stupid and insensitive about kids. Never did apologize for it but it’s whatever. Then about two months ago she keeps sending us these lists through texts of everything we are fucking up on, which was irritating because on these lists she would do some of these things. The time where I had enough is when she texted us on my birthday about moving our dogs to the garage. Maybe I’m too much but she already doesn’t have that great of air conditioning as it is and  (I have pugs and summers get well over 100 degrees in Hemet), there are rats and black widows. Why would I move my dogs in there. So I took my dogs to my mom’s house. She ignored us (especially me) for a month until we gave her extra money for the water bill that Jaime’s mom asked us to give her. (That’s another thing that’s fucking irritating. Jaime’s mom call Jaime asking him if we can pay $1000 instead of $600 because Jaime’s dad is running out of savings. Why on earth would I have left my apartment to pay $1000 for a room?)

It makes me upset that money is the only reason she started talking to me. She started talking to Jaime and sometimes she purposely only says hi to him. I literally have done nothing to her but move my dogs out because I didn’t want them staying in the garage.

I really do want to move out but I don’t want to screw her over. I know she’s stressed and overwhelmed but man so am I and I don’t take it out on people like that.

The good thing is I’m out. In one of the places that I love, the library. I’m going to spend the next hour reading Toni Morrison and although my life is a fucking scramble, shit will figure itself out.

I want to thank my readers out there who comment and tell me to keep writing and that things will be okay. I see you and appreciate you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday Afternoon

Life has been full of ups and downs. Mostly downs if I want to be real.

The past few days have kept me busy. On Sunday I went to the Millennium tour with my cousins.

(Only one cousin pictured)

It was cool. Yin Yang twins were the best performers but I’m so glad I got to finally see Lloyd live. Lloyd is probably my favorite r&b musician unless Partynextdoor counts.

Although I feel I overshared with my cousins. My family likes to talk and usually not in a positive light. It’s whatever. I’m really honestly fucking over it. People talk shit when you are doing good and when you are doing bad. What’s a girl to do? I’m a little concerned about one of my cousins. I knew she was going through it but she made it evident that day that she wasn’t okay.

On Monday, Jaime and I rented a yurt in Carlsbad.

It was really nice but I did for sure ended up drinking too much. I hate the person I become when I drink too much sometimes.

The best part was being by the beach. I don’t know but I always feel the most at ease when I’m at the beach. It’s the only thing that can convince me that everything is going to be okay.

I’m sorry guys. I feel like I’m being very vague and not very interesting. I just want to stay dedicated to writing because I need something to keep me sane because I feel like I’m losing my shit.

Friday Evening

My friends I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I walked out of my work Half Baked style. I didn’t cuss at anyone. I just grab everything from my locker, took my name tag off, clocked out and left.

I really couldn’t take it anymore. I really tried but it wasn’t worth it. I was seeing my mental health going down the drain and the whole point of moving to Hemet and starting a new job was to improve on it. It’s only gotten worse since I have left Murrieta but I think I’m really starting to see some sunshine in my life.

I applied to school for real. It’s a big amount but I can’t go on working at these shitty places. I need to focus on myself and I guess my education. I hate playing into this silly system but it has to be done. I’m just not excited about the expenses.

My anniversary is coming up and considering my friend is getting married a day after our anniversary, we can’t really do anything on the actual date. This upcoming Monday, we are going glamping in a yurt in Carlsbad. I’m pretty excited. I swear I’m always stressing but I always find the time and somehow the money to get away.

Like the other day I went to San Clemente. It’s a pretty boring beach town if you ask me but it’s still pretty. I did go to this amazing book store and bought too many books. Three on the French Revolution, one on drugs and corruption, one of the Wall Street crash and a David Sedaris’s book. Also had a good time at Pizza Port. For some reason I was convinced I didn’t like their beer but I’m a fan.

This weekend I don’t have much planned but on Sunday I’m going to the Millennium tour in LA and I’m so excited. I’m going with my cousins and for some reason I get anxiety when thinking about hanging out with my family. I mean shit everything gives me anxiety.

My brother sent me a letter the other day and it was such a shitty day and I’m just so glad that he’s alive. I’m being dramatic but it’s so weird to have someone you care about not be so far away but you can’t really communicate with them.

I’m a mess my friends but things are looking up, I promise.

Tuesday Morning

It’s been awhile my friends but like I mentioned in my last post I have been in a weird funk. (I mean suffering from depression and anxiety)

I’m starting to feel better though but my job and living conditions aren’t the greatest right now. I said I was going to move back to Murrieta but I really don’t want to screw over my sister in law even though I can’t stand her right now.

My job has been weird lately. It’s gotten better though for the most part. People have stopped being so rude but it’s still uncomfortable. Also there was this moment where my manager started yelling at this black lady over a price. I wish I was exaggerating but she was right next to my ear screaming at this woman. It was a forty cent difference. Something similar happened the same day and she gave the customer the product for the different price. It made me extremely uncomfortable because I could see the bias as clear as day. I haven’t gotten over it.

Enough about work because I’m honestly close to quitting. I have done some fun things like go to Palm Springs!

Jaime and I went to the Aerial Tramway and it was unreal. I think we did get altitude sickness because We had a headache that day We couldn’t shake but it was worth it.

I have been spending a lot more time with my mom which is good. I’ve always took my mom for granted and I realize that now. She such an amazing person and I honestly just want to be the best I can be for her. She has been my only friend other than Jaime. We went to the beach last week and just been doing a lot of shopping in between.

I think I have been a weird mood lately because a lot of shit is coming up. My first wedding anniversary which we still haven’t figured out. My friend’s wedding which I’m actually in. My sister in law is graduating but Jaime and I haven’t been speaking with her but her graduation is in Arizona so we should be making plans soon. I just want this month to be over already. I just want to be in somewhere new with no one to worry about.