I’m Back

It’s been a very long time my friends and for that I have to apologize. I have been very overwhelmed with life. Living with my sister in law in Hemet California took a lot from me. Moving back in with my mom took my pride away. Being pregnant has took a lot emotional and physically out of me. Becoming a college student has made me doubt myself more than ever. My new job, although not as stressful as previous jobs, has also done a number on me.

I’m finally feeling a little bit more balanced in my life. It’s been hard work just trying to be okay with myself and my progress, to grieve over past relationships, and just trying to enjoy life. I think I’m finally happy. I’m starting to realize that sometimes progress comes slowly, sometimes it’s okay to ask for help. Happiness is not an end goal but something you continuously have to work for.

Enough with the philosophical bullshit, I think I’m ready to start writing more often like I was before my hiatus.

To catch you guys on my life during my hiatus, I’m five months pregnant already and it’s fucking wild. My first trimester of pregnancy sucked. I lost weight from not being able to keep much down and just not having an appetite in general. I was tired all the time and work just fucking sucked the living soul out of me. I do think overall pregnancy has given me a new sense of thought of positivity that I definitely didn’t have pre-pregnancy. Although my family nor my husband don’t believe it, I feel like I have become a more patient person, less angry at the world.

My second trimester has been more of smooth sailing. I can feel my baby kicking at times and it’s the most surreal feeling ever. I wish I could properly explain it. I found out the sex of my baby at fourteen weeks to find out it was wrong at twenty one weeks. I wasn’t too upset because I’ve been trying to be gender neutral as possible when shopping for clothes and things.

I do want to bring up another positive affect pregnancy has brought into my life is that just maybe I really don’t need alcohol or weed in my life. I was so dependent on them that I really felt like I needed them to function, to be okay with life. Being forced sober realize maybe all that shit was in my head. I don’t know maybe it’s also the increase of hormones in my body that has made me feel so fucking different about everything.

Some anxieties I’m having about pregnancy is my healthcare. I do have health insurance but I do need to change it quickly. If I don’t I will be left with a $12,000 bill after I give birth and we all know I ain’t got that kind of money. It’s been so crazy though. Jaime and I tried to apply for Medi-Cal just for the baby and was denied because we made to much so then we applied for Medi-Cal Access (Which is like Medi-Cal but for people who’s health insurance deductible is too high and also for people with “middle class” incomes but for only pregnancies) and then was denied because our income is too low. Make it make sense!

I’m also having anxiety from wondering if I will be a good parent. Will I do the right thing? Will I lead my child down the right path? Or will I just fuck them up? Everyone’s idea of being a good parent is so fucking different and I wish there was proper guidance but people really didn’t lie when they said people have no clue what they are doing.

I think this is the best recap I can give at the moment. So much has happened, so much time has passed but I’m going to try and keep writing often. I do need something for me and still make time for me and I have missed it.

 

Sunday Afternoon

Hi Friends!

It’s been awhile. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been a little lazy. I feel like honestly I’ve been adjusting with a new job, figuring out school and etc. I still have a lot of time but I’m also a lazy individual.

Work is cool I guess. I just get stressed because I haven’t been making sales goals. It’s fucking hard selling clothes and I just feel awkward doing it. Also every time I work it’s super dead. I always wonder why they even need me there. It’s cool I guess, just lonely at times but I honestly don’t mind.

(I feel like I try on clothes to pass the time)

Other than that life seems to be bleak, very regular. I don’t mind it. I always said I enjoyed chaos but I’m starting to believe it’s not true. It feels good sometimes to just coast by sometimes especially when I feel like life hasn’t been too fair lately.

I guess two interesting things that come across my mind a lot is that an old really good friend got recently engaged and two Jaime’s sister reached out.

I’m super excited for my friend. I’ve know him since elementary school and he’s been there for the most part. Our friendship is weird or shall I say was because he just kinda cut me out. We were talking a lot and all of sudden we stopped talking so much. I think it’s because his now fiancé doesn’t like me. He implied it through something he said the last time I saw him. I told him congrats and still nothing. He did this with the last girlfriend he had. I don’t know if I should even bother anymore but I was thinking about him even before I saw the engagement pictures. I’ve been watching a lot of corny YouTube videos that make strangers call an estranged friend and tell them they miss them, weird shit like that, and I realized I really missed my friend but people come and go in your life and I think it’s time to move on.

This morning Jaime sent me a screenshot of a text from his sister saying she has mail for us and that she wanted to grab drinks also that she loves us both. I have been suppressing my feelings about Jaime’s family for awhile now and when I saw that it started coming all back to me. I think if given some more time I could get over it but right now I’m not ready. I’ve been really hurt by her and by his family in general. I’m still so resentful but it just doesn’t hurt as bad anymore and I’m easier at hiding my feelings now.

Just random tidbits is it’s been three years since Jaime and I’ve been together and it’s wild. Anniversaries really make me think about where the time goes. It still feels like yesterday when he kissed me outside of Franklin’s Cove.

It’s Father’s Day and all I have to say is I miss my dad and wish I got to see him more.

That’s all for today my friends! I should be writing more frequently. I finally got a fucking laptop. My cousin gave me her daughters and I’m so fucking grateful. My family drives me insane but they always be ridin for me. Till next time.

Xoxo

Wednesday Morning

Hello my friends!

I’ve been working the past few days and even though it’s not long hours, I’ve been tired. (Also a little lazy)

Work is cool so far but I haven’t really actually done my job. The past few days have been mostly tedious things like learning the mission statement, product knowledge, company’s history, and just a lot of corporate bullshit that’s honestly pointless.

Saturday is my first day working alone and I’m kinda nervous. Selling clothes honestly seems so awkward to me and the extent they want me to do it is honestly too much. I work for a higher end retailer but it’s not like it’s Gucci or Balenciaga. They expect you to get clients but honestly it’s Forever 21 clothes but marked way up. I feel like I’m being harsh but it’s kinda true.

They also kinda have a oddly specific dress code. If you aren’t wearing the brand you have to wear all black, white or dark grey business casual. You can’t wear heavy makeup and your nails have to be polished and never chipped.

Anyway my favorite part so far is getting to try on clothes for the hell of it. It makes sense so you can get an idea of styling and sizing.

Anyway it’s hard to tell how well this job is going to work out because it’s the beginning but I am nervous about it but hell I’m nervous about everything.

To be fair on why I didn’t write one whole day is because I did spend the day yesterday with Jaime. (I really should just schedule post but my blog is mostly a diary of thoughts so it’s kinda hard if the day hasn’t happened yet)

After work yesterday we went to get a few beers, got In N Out and went shopping at Kohl’s because I needed a few outfits for work. It was a nice day with him yesterday considering we got in a fight the day before because he came home late drinking with friends and it was my first day of work and also my brothers last day before MCT.

My brother is gone. I was a little sad I didn’t get to be there to drop him off but at least he gets his phone for the weekends and he will have liberty the last two weeks. It’s not like boot camp where I had to wait for a letter in the mail to hear from him.

Today all I’m going to do is just chill, write in my physical journal, read my book on the French Revolution (which is only about murder) and wait for Jaime to get home so I can watch the new Black Mirror.

Till next time my friends.

Saturday Afternoon

I’m counting my last days of freedom my friends. Today Jaime and I actually woke up early to do some errands. We always say we are going to wake up early but never do.

We first went to Kohl’s because Jaime needed more dress pants for work. I fucking hate Kohl’s but I love all the deals they have for fine jewelry. Jaime ended buying me a necklace that I have been wanting for awhile.

He did not buy it for a $125. There is no way in hell I would let him pay that much. He got it for $30 plus a 15% discount. Jcpenny is also a place that has amazing deals on fine jewelry. Most likely unethical though.

I finally went to the bougie tea place and it was so nice. I got some cotton candy milk tea and it comes in a nice reusable glass. It was $5. It’s a high price for tea but at least it comes with a glass you can keep. The place is called Mr. Chi if you are near the Wildomar area but who the fucks lives in the Inland empire? Barely anyone. (This is a lie but honestly there isn’t much to do around here but drink at wineries and breweries)

We came back home and he had to go straight home. I really thought that was going to be the end of my day but I ended going to the Lake Elsinore Outlet with my brother and my mom because my brother needed some new running shoes before he left.

If you don’t know by now, I’m a fucking mall rat. I’m a lot better than I use to be but I still love to shop. It’s one of my biggest character flaws but I remember going to the outlets all the time as a kids growing up. Now it’s just an outlet filled with empty stores. It’s honestly fucking bizarre.

I didn’t buy anything but my mom bought me a tote bag and some pants all for $12! I don’t have a picture of either but here are photos of my outfit and some lunch bag I wanted but I honestly don’t have money to spare like that.

Anyway I see myself creeping out of my depressive episode. I finally cleaned my room and I’m honestly excited to work again.

I’m really having second thoughts on school. I’m starting to finally come afloat with my finances and I’m really about to get myself into more debt. I’m really not fucking excited about it. I know I don’t have to but getting a degree is the only way I feel I can be a fucking adult with a fucking “adult” job. I hate it.

Anyway my friends I’m watching a movie right now that’s on Hulu. It’s called I’m Just Fucking With You. I’m about half way in and it’s bizarre. It’s a thriller and I’m still not sure what exactly is going on but I do enjoy it. I’ll have to write about it tomorrow when I’m finished. I really should do movie reviews because I’m always watching a movie.

That reminds me so I finished the movie Always Be My Maybe on Netflix. I liked it because I’m a huge fan of romcoms and it reminded me of the San Francisco so much and I’ve been really homesick lately for some reason. What I didn’t like is I’m tired of this trope that’s always in romcoms that a rich person is all depressed, rude as fuck, and lonely. They have everything in life but love. I’m tired of the same fucking story honestly. There are too many romcoms out there with this trope. I still enjoyed it though.

I also watched another movie yesterday called The Perfection. It’s on Netflix and all I can say is that movie is fucked up. It’s a weird thriller about music prodigies and some pedophelia elements.

That’s all I got for today my friends, until next time.

Friday Afternoon

I feel like things are getting better slowly. I’m starting my new job on Monday and I’m excited. My brother leaves for combat training on Tuesday. It sucks because I won’t be able to be there to send him off but I spent all the time I could with him and it’s not that time yet! So I’m going to try and not be bummed.

So yesterday Jaime, my brother and I went to Oceanside. It’s been so long. Jaime and I use to go at least once a week but finances hasn’t been so strong lately but they are getting better.

We went to the beach first, had a few splashes of beer at Barrel Republic, and then ate too much at the sunset market.

Later on Jaime and I went to our favorite brewery and watched Game 1 of the Finals. I’m going for the Raptors because I’m fucking tired of watching the Warriors win. I’m also a fan of Kawhi Leonard. Anyway it was so nice seeing the Raptors win but I’m not too confident they could actually win the Finals.

Jaime and I are doing a lot better. I’m happy that things between us are going back to normal. The stress it causes me when we are fighting or not seeing eye to eye is truly unbearable.

Today I truly haven’t done much and probably won’t either. I’ve been feeling sick lately. I have body aches and my lymph nodes are swollen but no other symptom has hit me yet. I really want to get some tea though from this bougie tea and boba place that has been open for awhile in town but haven’t gone yet.

At the moment though I’m watching this new romcom on Netflix called Always Be My Maybe. It’s good so far if you like romcoms. Also it’s so San Francisco it’s painful. I really do miss San Francisco but I just know it’s not the same.

Until next time my friends!

Tuesday Afternoon

Things seem to be looking up my friends. I got a job offer from all the places I got an interview with so I officially have a job but don’t know when I start.

I still have to figure out my school stuff but I feel better than I have in the past few months which that is progress my friends.

My brother came back from boot camp.

It’s so nice to have him back. My fear of his changing was for nothing. He’s exactly the same but with tons of stories.

That’s why I haven’t been writing much. Before he came back I tried to get a lot of things done around the house like taking out tile, painting and fixing up my room. None of these are done but I have gotten far and my body is still so sore.

The past few days have been family oriented which is a lot of me sitting on the couch watching my brother play video games and a lot of dinners out which has been nice.

My brother has to go back to Camp Pendleton for combat training and then goes to Rhode Island for his MOS training. He doesn’t know where he is getting stationed yet but I hope it’s not too far or a place that sucks like North Carolina. (Sorry to all the North Carolina people!)

There was a brief period where I really thought I was pregnant but I guess my period symptoms were on crack. Usually the only symptoms I get before my period are sore boobs and being moody. (I’m always moody though) This period was earlier that usual and I was constipated, bloated, and I suffered from swollen gums which I guess is a thing when you are pregnant.

I think every month that goes by I always think about the possibility of being pregnant and being a mom. I wasn’t really sad when I got my period but it just kinda of solidify that being a mom may never happen for me and it’s okay.

I feel myself sometimes distancing myself from Jaime. I still feel some type of way with his family situation. He has never defended me or even tried to talk to them about treating me better. Sometimes I feel like he cares about their feelings more than mine. As if he expects me to accept things just as they are.It’s been awhile since we argued but some of the things he has said during arguments hasn’t slipped my mind. I love him but sometimes I feel the respect for one another is not mutual. I think part of it is he’s been working a lot more that usual. It’s just been hard. Why are relationships so fucking hard?

I have also been thinking about forgiveness. I always felt forgiveness is the only way of being free in your mind and soul but I don’t see it that way anymore. I don’t see a problem with cutting people out my life who aren’t good for me. I still trying to figure out if that is a good way to live. I have been wrong about a lot of things in my life but I’m tired of excusing people’s shitty behavior. It has caused me more harm than good. I know people make mistakes and no one is perfect but I can’t surround myself around people who feel like they can’t do no wrong and can’t say sorry.

I don’t know my friends, I’m slowly figuring things out. I’m slowly healing myself back to a normal state.

Saturday Afternoon

My friends, life seems to be looking up a little but my anxiety has not waned. I got accepted into ASU so I’m excited about that!

Not too excited to figure out how everything is going to be paid for but I’ll figure it out. I really need a laptop before the semester starts which is July 3rd but somehow I always manage to pull shit off. I have had a few interviews in the past few days but I’m not too hopeful of a positive outcome but I’m okay with that because right now things might not be great but I’m okay.

So the past few days have been of great highs and lows. I have been drinking more than usual which is never a good sign but I guess it could be worse.

The other day was one of my cousin’s birthday. We went to get ramen in San Diego. You could feel the tension between my Tia and my older cousin. You could cut that shit with a knife. My mom could tell the tension between Jaime and I.

For the most part the experience was good. I think we all irritate each other but at the end of the day we are all family and that’s all that matters.

The other day Jaime and I ended up at the brewery after a trip to the social security office. I’m officially an Ojeda! Only after a year of marriage. I guess our favorite breweries and a bunch of other local breweries were doing a craft week. If you get at least three stamps in this craft beer “passport”, you’ll get an enamel pin.

Well I got the pin but I also drank too much. Jaime and I ended up hanging out with one of his friends. I got into it with Jaime’s friend about abortion. He started to make a point about an abortion law in New York and I got upset because he was misinformed. I hate how a lot of men talk to women and act like they know everything after listening to a Joe Rogan podcast. I was fucking furious. I might have to do a whole other post about abortion because all this foolishness happening around America has made me feel some type of way. The way Jaime talked to me about it also made me very angry. But I was really drunk so I was able to let it go for the rest of the day.

(Here’s a picture of me getting stressed out when Jaime’s friend doesn’t break up his weed before smoking it)

When we got home I brought it up about how he spoke to me and he got really defensive. It got really bad. I didn’t talk to him for a day. I have never done that but I’m over being walked over and letting people get away with being shitty. I’m too old and bitter for it.

But last night surprisingly we found a way to communicate without yelling and without someone shutting down. Things are starting to look up because that is our biggest problem, communication.

Alright friends I’m about to go back to taking out tile off the floor. I’m a true DIYer. I made my mom some shoes the other day I have to take a picture of them because they came out really great. Anyway I’m also watching Pose which is so good. It reminds me of Paris is Burning and I know I bring that documentary up so much but it’s my true inspiration.