I’m Back

It’s been a very long time my friends and for that I have to apologize. I have been very overwhelmed with life. Living with my sister in law in Hemet California took a lot from me. Moving back in with my mom took my pride away. Being pregnant has took a lot emotional and physically out of me. Becoming a college student has made me doubt myself more than ever. My new job, although not as stressful as previous jobs, has also done a number on me.

I’m finally feeling a little bit more balanced in my life. It’s been hard work just trying to be okay with myself and my progress, to grieve over past relationships, and just trying to enjoy life. I think I’m finally happy. I’m starting to realize that sometimes progress comes slowly, sometimes it’s okay to ask for help. Happiness is not an end goal but something you continuously have to work for.

Enough with the philosophical bullshit, I think I’m ready to start writing more often like I was before my hiatus.

To catch you guys on my life during my hiatus, I’m five months pregnant already and it’s fucking wild. My first trimester of pregnancy sucked. I lost weight from not being able to keep much down and just not having an appetite in general. I was tired all the time and work just fucking sucked the living soul out of me. I do think overall pregnancy has given me a new sense of thought of positivity that I definitely didn’t have pre-pregnancy. Although my family nor my husband don’t believe it, I feel like I have become a more patient person, less angry at the world.

My second trimester has been more of smooth sailing. I can feel my baby kicking at times and it’s the most surreal feeling ever. I wish I could properly explain it. I found out the sex of my baby at fourteen weeks to find out it was wrong at twenty one weeks. I wasn’t too upset because I’ve been trying to be gender neutral as possible when shopping for clothes and things.

I do want to bring up another positive affect pregnancy has brought into my life is that just maybe I really don’t need alcohol or weed in my life. I was so dependent on them that I really felt like I needed them to function, to be okay with life. Being forced sober realize maybe all that shit was in my head. I don’t know maybe it’s also the increase of hormones in my body that has made me feel so fucking different about everything.

Some anxieties I’m having about pregnancy is my healthcare. I do have health insurance but I do need to change it quickly. If I don’t I will be left with a $12,000 bill after I give birth and we all know I ain’t got that kind of money. It’s been so crazy though. Jaime and I tried to apply for Medi-Cal just for the baby and was denied because we made to much so then we applied for Medi-Cal Access (Which is like Medi-Cal but for people who’s health insurance deductible is too high and also for people with “middle class” incomes but for only pregnancies) and then was denied because our income is too low. Make it make sense!

I’m also having anxiety from wondering if I will be a good parent. Will I do the right thing? Will I lead my child down the right path? Or will I just fuck them up? Everyone’s idea of being a good parent is so fucking different and I wish there was proper guidance but people really didn’t lie when they said people have no clue what they are doing.

I think this is the best recap I can give at the moment. So much has happened, so much time has passed but I’m going to try and keep writing often. I do need something for me and still make time for me and I have missed it.

 

Monday and a BIG announcement

Hey friends!

I know it’s been awhile. It’s been mostly because my phone broke and I have been lazy and stressed. Going back to school and all the stupid shit you have to do, will put a damper on you. I’m still not use to my phone also.

Anyway I haven’t been up to much. My life has been very plain, just work and home and some drinking in between.

Although last week Jaime and I went to La Jolla and went kayaking. It was really nice. We got to see dolphins and go into the La Jolla caves. I really don’t like physical activity but kayaking is cool. I would do it again.

An update on work is it’s still cool. I really like being alone. I just feel useless here sometimes. I really don’t do shit 85% of the time. It all feels like a waste of time. These sale goals that they put on you too is a bit ridiculous. I just don’t care that much anymore. I kinda want to find a new job, one with better hours and better pay

Because……

I’m going to be a fucking mom!

I know I’m kind of jumping the gun here. I found out last night and wanted to tell someone, so why not my blog audience. I’m waiting to tell friends and family this time.

I’m excited. I’m nervous. I just hope everything works out this time.

Saturday Random Thoughts

  • With Mother’s Day coming up, I really am not ready for people asking me about when I’m thinking about having kids. It surprises me that people can still ask such an insensitive question especially when they know my circumstances. I had to tell my mom the other day that it’s been a year since my tubular pregnancy and I still haven’t gotten pregnant so I just don’t know if it’s going to happen ever. Like it was the most traumatizing experience I have ever had and I don’t think people realize this.
  • I have a job interview on Monday at a higher end retail store and I’m kinda excited. I’ve always wanted to work at a place like this but I can’t get too excited. I also know it’s probably really not that fun to work at.
  • I don’t know if I mentioned this but the show Love on Netflix is really good. I cried at the ending. A lot of the show reminded of Jaime and I. I kinda want to rewatch it again.
  • Man I’m not super into the beauty community but I love and live for drama. That whole James Charles situation doesn’t surprise me. I didn’t know who Tati was before this but she doesn’t fool me. She’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. James Charles has done a lot of shitty things and the time you choose to expose him is when he promoted something that would compete with your brand. Gurrrrll you may of fooled other people but not me.
  • I decided to do my makeup today and I reminded myself why I don’t do this shit. It was fun but it doesn’t look good. At least it doesn’t look good photographed but what’s the point of doing yourself up if it doesn’t do well in photos? (I mean if it makes you feel good that’s all that matters right?)

Ecoptic Pregnancy: A Poem!

I patiently waited seven hours

for a doctor to tell me

I’m pretty sure you are having a tubular pregnancy

but we are going wait until Friday just in case

I ended up back in the ER

from the pain

just for them to tell me

that the baby that wasn’t viable was already dying

Lucky me

The doctor asked me to come back tomorrow

for a shot of methotrexate

I already had $300 in co-pays

My husband bought me a five pack of cotton panties since I own no underwear

My mom bought me heavy pads for the bleeding

I bought a CBG cartridge for the pain

Before I got the shot

a nurse looks me in the eye and asked me if I wanted to do this for sure

False hope

of a dream that was already dead

before it even started

Baby Talk

It’s been about two months since my tubular pregnancy and it’s been quite the roller coaster ride. A lot of crying spells, a lot of uncertainty, and a lot of a bunch of different emotions. (I know this is a incomplete sentence.)

At the moment I keep going back and forth if I even want kids. I want to take a chunk of time off and just travel for a little bit with Jaime. If we have a kid this will be delayed until they grow up. I also like the idea of a tiny home which isn’t ideal or conventional with children. Hell I don’t even know if I can have children at this point. I really haven’t checked into my fertility after it happened. Doctors and hospitals are the most exhausting things to deal with.

I just can’t shake the feeling though. One of my coworkers brought in her newborn. It sparked that desire of wanting to be a mother again. It’s so crazy that you really can create a human being with the person you love and watch them grow, essentially molding someone for the world they have to live in. You see them experience new things as simple as looking at themselves in the mirror or eating a lemon. (This is like high talk) It’s just wild to me though. It’s a concept that my mind can’t fully grasp but I know is a beautiful experience.

The other day I caught myself watching videos that made me emotional. I re watched the very emotional Kylie Jenner video for her daughter. I’m not a huge fan but that video perfectly captures I guess the experience I idealize. I also watched a buzzfeed video where a guy talks about his first ten days of being a father and he has some struggles because at one moment his baby’s oxygen levels went down and his baby had to go to the NICU. I definitely cried watching these videos.

I still don’t know what’s right for me but I can’t be afraid to talk about these things. I have to be open with myself and other people or I’ll “never get over it”. I don’t think the feeling of losing a baby will go away but I feel I can have a better way of coping. It’s weird when it first happened everyone is so quick to say that they are there for you but when I come to talk to them, they seem uncomfortable with the idea. I think it’s because I act very nonchalant about it. It’s something that happened and there is nothing I can do to change it. I just hope my mind can figure things out.

& Just Like That Everything Has Changed

On May 26th I took a home pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant. I can’t tell you exactly how I felt. It was a rush of bliss and fear all at the same time. On May 30th everything had changed. I always find a way to jump the gun. Jaime and I had already been to Babies R Us and to some cute kid boutiques in Laguna Beach. I was already researching baby shower ideas, maternity shoots and clothing, and since I feel a little weird about gender reveal parties but Jaime was into it, I was looking into that as well. But On May 30th everything had changed. I was at work and I decided to use the bathroom. After I’m done I just see deep red inside the toilet bowl. I started to panic and cry. I knew something was wrong.

I go to the ER to find out I’m not having a miscarriage but an ectopic pregnancy. If you don’t know what that is, it’s basically when the baby doesn’t develop in your uterus like it suppose to. Most of ectopic pregnancies, the baby develops in the fallopian tube. The baby can not survive this way and neither can you. If you wait your fallopian tube will most likely rupture and you will most likely die from the internal bleeding.

Luckily enough for me I was already miscarrying the ectopic pregnancy, so they gave me an injection of methotrexate to be on the safe side. Methotrexate is a low dosage of chemo that kills all your growing cells. If you were like me they also give you painful cramps to the point you can barely move.

At first I didn’t want to talk about it. I just didn’t want to think about it. I felt angry. I felt hurt. I felt like it was all my fault. I came to the point where I was going crazy. (I still am just not as much) The more I talk about it with people, the less alone I feel. I never realized how much fertility issues has affected people I know. It doesn’t help with wanting to try again though. I just feel hopeless with the idea of trying again. I don’t want to feel this way or to go through all the stupid shit and the pain emotionally and physically. I’m hoping I will have the courage but it’s all fresh and new at the moment: