Friday Afternoon

I feel like things are getting better slowly. I’m starting my new job on Monday and I’m excited. My brother leaves for combat training on Tuesday. It sucks because I won’t be able to be there to send him off but I spent all the time I could with him and it’s not that time yet! So I’m going to try and not be bummed.

So yesterday Jaime, my brother and I went to Oceanside. It’s been so long. Jaime and I use to go at least once a week but finances hasn’t been so strong lately but they are getting better.

We went to the beach first, had a few splashes of beer at Barrel Republic, and then ate too much at the sunset market.

Later on Jaime and I went to our favorite brewery and watched Game 1 of the Finals. I’m going for the Raptors because I’m fucking tired of watching the Warriors win. I’m also a fan of Kawhi Leonard. Anyway it was so nice seeing the Raptors win but I’m not too confident they could actually win the Finals.

Jaime and I are doing a lot better. I’m happy that things between us are going back to normal. The stress it causes me when we are fighting or not seeing eye to eye is truly unbearable.

Today I truly haven’t done much and probably won’t either. I’ve been feeling sick lately. I have body aches and my lymph nodes are swollen but no other symptom has hit me yet. I really want to get some tea though from this bougie tea and boba place that has been open for awhile in town but haven’t gone yet.

At the moment though I’m watching this new romcom on Netflix called Always Be My Maybe. It’s good so far if you like romcoms. Also it’s so San Francisco it’s painful. I really do miss San Francisco but I just know it’s not the same.

Until next time my friends!

Avocado Jones

It was about a week before the Jameson bartenders ball and you texted me out of the blue to be your date. I said yes but I was nervous. We hadn’t really established a true friendship, just a vain acquaintanceship. It didn’t help that you were a Regina George, a true Courtney Alice Shayne. 

I spent all day trying to find the perfect outfit to impress you. I just ended up saying fuck it and took the 48 to your house. Just to find out you were freaking out too. You couldn’t find a belt and didn’t want to be seen with me without a belt.

We ended up going to some posh bar on Valencia where the bartenders were as pretentious as the atmosphere.

You told me you were in love with the pretty boy bartender with the Macklemore haircut and rode a roadster bike.

I asked you “How many times have you been in love?”

You took the Rose Quartz that was around my neck and placed it on your forehead and started to cry.

You looked at me and said “I fall in love every single day.”

That exact moment is when I fell in love with you.

Saturday Afternoon

My friends, life seems to be looking up a little but my anxiety has not waned. I got accepted into ASU so I’m excited about that!

Not too excited to figure out how everything is going to be paid for but I’ll figure it out. I really need a laptop before the semester starts which is July 3rd but somehow I always manage to pull shit off. I have had a few interviews in the past few days but I’m not too hopeful of a positive outcome but I’m okay with that because right now things might not be great but I’m okay.

So the past few days have been of great highs and lows. I have been drinking more than usual which is never a good sign but I guess it could be worse.

The other day was one of my cousin’s birthday. We went to get ramen in San Diego. You could feel the tension between my Tia and my older cousin. You could cut that shit with a knife. My mom could tell the tension between Jaime and I.

For the most part the experience was good. I think we all irritate each other but at the end of the day we are all family and that’s all that matters.

The other day Jaime and I ended up at the brewery after a trip to the social security office. I’m officially an Ojeda! Only after a year of marriage. I guess our favorite breweries and a bunch of other local breweries were doing a craft week. If you get at least three stamps in this craft beer “passport”, you’ll get an enamel pin.

Well I got the pin but I also drank too much. Jaime and I ended up hanging out with one of his friends. I got into it with Jaime’s friend about abortion. He started to make a point about an abortion law in New York and I got upset because he was misinformed. I hate how a lot of men talk to women and act like they know everything after listening to a Joe Rogan podcast. I was fucking furious. I might have to do a whole other post about abortion because all this foolishness happening around America has made me feel some type of way. The way Jaime talked to me about it also made me very angry. But I was really drunk so I was able to let it go for the rest of the day.

(Here’s a picture of me getting stressed out when Jaime’s friend doesn’t break up his weed before smoking it)

When we got home I brought it up about how he spoke to me and he got really defensive. It got really bad. I didn’t talk to him for a day. I have never done that but I’m over being walked over and letting people get away with being shitty. I’m too old and bitter for it.

But last night surprisingly we found a way to communicate without yelling and without someone shutting down. Things are starting to look up because that is our biggest problem, communication.

Alright friends I’m about to go back to taking out tile off the floor. I’m a true DIYer. I made my mom some shoes the other day I have to take a picture of them because they came out really great. Anyway I’m also watching Pose which is so good. It reminds me of Paris is Burning and I know I bring that documentary up so much but it’s my true inspiration.

Tuesday Afternoon

I don’t know what’s been going on with my life to be honest. I’m at a point where I hate everyone but my mom. Jaime and I have been getting in big fights everyday for about a week and it’s fucking awful. I don’t have much friends but the one I do have, she got butt hurt because I told her I wouldn’t be able to make it next week to do this painting thing. Maybe I misread it because texts tend to bring a lot of miscommunication but it didn’t seem like she was understanding but oh well.

I had an interview yesterday and it went well. I have a phone interview today and it would be a cool job to have because I won’t really work with anyone else and I would be styling people which is one of my secret dream jobs.

Jaime and I went to grab drinks and everything was going okay but I don’t know he just always finds a way to make me feel like shit. It feels like he never sees my point of view and he doesn’t try to communicate with me. I know relationships are hard and it isn’t sunshine and rainbows all the time but fuck.

I’m so fucking sick and tired of feeling like shit all the time. I don’t remember the last time I felt genuinely happy. It always seems to come in short waves. I even went to In N Out yesterday and I couldn’t enjoy it. I never mentioned this but I’m a huge stan of In N Out. No other burger compares. (Although I’m a fan of Shake Shack peanut butter burger. It’s not on the menu but it’s good I promise!)

I just hope I get this job but I don’t know I’m never to hopeful. I don’t want to get my hopes up if it doesn’t fall through. I don’t need anymore disappointment in my life. I have another interview on Thursday that pays a little more so wish me luck.

Sorry for being such a Debby downer lately but life has not been the brightest and it’s been really hard to see the light through the tunnel. One thing I am looking forward to is my brother is coming back from boot camp. I just hope he hasn’t changed much.

(Here are some photos of Jaime and I before we got in a fight)

It’s been awhile

To be specific it’s been about two weeks since I have written anything. I have thought about it but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I’ve been just trying to get it together my friends because I did lose my shit. I lost my shit in a Big 5 parking lot. I was freaking out in Jaime’s car and he pulled into a Big 5 parking lot and I just fucking lost it.

I couldn’t stand it anymore, to be in a place where I’m not welcomed, in a town I know no one and it’s boring as fuck. I couldn’t stand that the dead end job I was in. It all became too fucking much.

So I left Hemet. I moved in with my mom and I feel better. I still have fucking rage and discontent for Jaime’s family. It’s concerning because I don’t know if it will go away but I guess all that matters is that I’m not losing my fucking mind.

I do feel concerned about money. I don’t have a job right now and Jaime isn’t really making money right now. It’s stressful. I’m still waiting on ASU but I might just do cosmetology school. I tell myself that I need to do something but continue to do nothing. I just can’t do that anymore. I fucking hate that I’m going to get myself in a shit ton of debt but I don’t know what else to do to be okay, to be comfortable.

The days have been okay but it’s been a lot of staying in and cleaning. I’ve also been hanging out with my mom a lot which has been nice. It’s been refreshing to be honest.

Jaime and I are doing okay. It’s just been weird. I don’t know why. I just hope things get better between us soon. I guess I couldn’t expect marriage to always be easy.

Wednesday Afternoon

I have actually gotten out of bed and out of my room without needing to actually do something my friends and it feels nice. It’s mostly because my sister in law is on spring break and my mother in law came over and I just don’t feel like dealing with it.

I walked down to a local coffee shop, even though I don’t drink coffee anymore, I bought a sandwich and played this Iphone game I’ve been obsessed with for awhile. It’s similar to candy crush but it has a legit story and some interior design involved.

I don’t know what it is about today but I feel better. Do I keep thinking about how shitty my life is right now? Sure but I’m a little hopeful. I finally paid the $70 application fee for school and that shit hurted. (I know this isn’t a word I did it intentional) I’m starting to stress about money a little bit. I know we should be fine but still. I hate stressing about money.

I keep thinking about my job I just quit. There were some elements that I liked. Customers were really nice. I did have very few cool coworkers. It got me to eat better and got me to cook more. I also realize rationalizing a hostile work environment is not good for me either. I do think it is a bit odd though when I quit I called the day after and talked to one of my mangers, Sara. I always liked her because she’s a legit a good person and one of the best managers I have had despite the shitty job. I mean she was really cool. She really knows how to communicate correctly, doesn’t dehumanize you. The way she said good bye was weird to me. It felt so nice and sincere. (Not saying it wasn’t but I did walk out of the place in the middle of my shift and that clearly doesn’t make for a nice clean good bye) I still don’t feel comfortable going there though and it’s the closest grocery store near by. I’m having Jaime drive me to Winco tonight to save me some anxiety.

I wanted my blog to be private but I don’t care anymore, I’m starting to question my relationship with Jaime’s family. When we first got together it wasn’t bad. I truly felt they were inviting. I don’t know what happened but then I felt I just started to get ignored by a lot of his family, so much so that no one in his family knows a thing about me. Just the things I post on Instagram which let’s be honest is all performative bullshit. It bothered me a little because I would go to his family events to be sitting in a corner the whole time being ignored while Jaime is being pulled in many different directions. I thought maybe I should be more outgoing but it’s not my fault I’m not super bubbly. I wasn’t made that way.

When we got married it got even worse. Small comments here and there. I think the worse time is when I went over to my other sister in laws house for a small gathering and Jaime’s mom said “I didn’t know she was coming.” So they only saved Jaime food. To put it in better perspective, I was already living with one of my sister in laws, (They all live about a ten minute radius from each other) I had no job, so why wouldn’t I come? Especially considering that I always go to family events even without Jaime.

I’m becoming a little more upset by my living situation too. Don’t get me wrong I moved out of my apartment because I wanted to save money and I needed a break so Jaime and I agreed to move in with my sister in law to help her out, with that being said I could of done the same thing and moved in with my mom which is honestly better to me because I know and love my mom. I love Jaime’s family and I do care about them because at the end of the day that’s my husband’s family but they have made an effort to show me I’m not part of their family.

When we first moved in, everything was cool. We did have a small hiccup because she said something stupid and insensitive about kids. Never did apologize for it but it’s whatever. Then about two months ago she keeps sending us these lists through texts of everything we are fucking up on, which was irritating because on these lists she would do some of these things. The time where I had enough is when she texted us on my birthday about moving our dogs to the garage. Maybe I’m too much but she already doesn’t have that great of air conditioning as it is and  (I have pugs and summers get well over 100 degrees in Hemet), there are rats and black widows. Why would I move my dogs in there. So I took my dogs to my mom’s house. She ignored us (especially me) for a month until we gave her extra money for the water bill that Jaime’s mom asked us to give her. (That’s another thing that’s fucking irritating. Jaime’s mom call Jaime asking him if we can pay $1000 instead of $600 because Jaime’s dad is running out of savings. Why on earth would I have left my apartment to pay $1000 for a room?)

It makes me upset that money is the only reason she started talking to me. She started talking to Jaime and sometimes she purposely only says hi to him. I literally have done nothing to her but move my dogs out because I didn’t want them staying in the garage.

I really do want to move out but I don’t want to screw her over. I know she’s stressed and overwhelmed but man so am I and I don’t take it out on people like that.

The good thing is I’m out. In one of the places that I love, the library. I’m going to spend the next hour reading Toni Morrison and although my life is a fucking scramble, shit will figure itself out.

I want to thank my readers out there who comment and tell me to keep writing and that things will be okay. I see you and appreciate you.