Lately I have been thinking about San Francisco a lot. I miss it but I miss the San Francisco I remember.
San Francisco has become an absolute shit show. I mean it has been decades in the making but it is now the most expensive places to live for no damn reason other than Silicon Valley that has destroyed the city and its culture.
Anyway I just miss that period in my life. I was a fucking mess, messier than I am now but the experience in San Francisco, the people I have met in San Francisco have truly shaped me.
I just miss being able to go out my door and seeing Ocean beach. I miss my apartment shaking because of the incoming L train that comes every twenty minutes. I miss taking walks from Fisherman’s wharf to North beach to eat Italian deserts with my friend Aaron. I miss making random friends at a fancy hat shop. I miss getting invited to bougie events. I miss the Applebee’s bartender that would take me to speakeasies and give me all the free cocaine I wanted.
I miss the messiness. I miss the excitement. I miss meeting eccentric new people.
The last time I went it was weird. The gentrification that is happening in the Sunset is fucking bizarre. Out of all my friends only one, yes one can afford to live in the city still.
They say home is a feeling. I can confirm that. It’s just hurts to know I can never go home again.
Sorry I haven’t written in so long. There really aren’t any excuses but these past few days have been overwhelming. I have some good news! I have actually landed a job and it’s a five minute walk from home so it’s super cool and convenient but being a housewife was cool while it lasted.
Anyway back to the prompt which day five is my proudest moment would be moving to San Francisco. It was a time I was truly independent and did something for myself. San Francisco is largely the reason for the person I am today and I’m proud of that. I’m proud of how empathetic I am. I’m proud of how more aware I am. I’m proud to know no matter how much pain and suffering I will go through, I will make it out stronger.
I guess this post is going to be short because I didn’t land too long ago. Jaime and I landed around 11:30 and didn’t get into the city until 12:15 or 12:30. We were in the mission. Jaime says the mission reminds him of TJ. We ate at tacolicious and some pupusas place on 16th and Valencia! It’s almost like I remember other than I went to their newer locations and not the one by Skylark. (I hate that I talk about the city like everyone knows what I’m talking about.)
It’s been short and sweet (although the day is so young!) Jaime and I are really tired from the car ride and also we didn’t exactly go to sleep early last night. It took about three hours to get to LAX and the flight was okay about fifty minutes but it’s still tiring. We are back at the Airbnb. He’s asleep right now so I’m taking advantage. It feels good to be back but it’s also weird. Small changes in a big city you use to live in are just so weird to encounter.
(I need to take more pictures but it’s weird when you feel like you are back at home)
Every store I have been in the past week has been playing “Kiss me” by Sixpence None The Richer, and I hate that it always reminds me of you. I was fresh out of high school without a clue just trying to make ends meet in San Francisco California. Timid and inexperience in life and love. I remember being in Joe’s Crab Shack on a slow night by myself guarding the host stand singing along. You smiled and sang along too.
The first time I saw you was for my interview and I never could explain how you made me feel. A rush of serotonin (even though in the end you cause more anxiety then relieved) My friend would make fun of me and say “Why do you even like him? He’s okay looking, has chapped lips and bad acne.” I just felt like we were lovers long before this century reunited by fate but I barely knew you. I am logical and none of this was making any sense but I couldn’t deny the overwhelming feeling. I stayed away for my own good and my boyfriend’s own good (The real plot twist) until I couldn’t.
My relationship with my boyfriend at the time ended long before the final good-bye. It was late on Halloween and I met my boyfriend at the embarcadero station. He looked me straight in the face and said “You are the reason I’m failing.” It was over at that point but we continued to dragged it out until it both tore us apart.
I got really drunk at a coworkers party. I never had drank that much, I even threw up some Coors light in her backyard. I did my best to stay away from you, I really did. I had a boyfriend. You had a girlfriend. Both of those relationships were over but we still continued to persist. You cornered me and asked why we didn’t hang out and I replied because I like you and if things weren’t fucked already, our coworker’s roommate chased everyone out with a kitchen knife.
We just wanted to be pirates lost at sea and if times would of been simpler I could of seen it happening. You always complained that I wanted someone who was perfect. You were right. I wanted the perfect story, the perfect relationship. A fairy tale that didn’t exist but you always found a way to make me feel like I didn’t even matter.
Years have past, things have changed. The most interaction we have is watching each other’s Instagram stories and liking posts here and there. You are forever the person who I felt had me under a spell that I thought I would never snap out of, almost felt like I loved you.
A few cocktails
We were roaming the streets of San Francisco
We stopped in front of a church
You told me we were all Gods in this world
I looked into your eyes and you kissed me
I don’t remember much other than I forgot my bra on your floor and didn’t want to come back to your apartment
But I did anyway with a six pack of beer
You told me you didn’t want anything serious
I told you I liked your friends better
A week after you came with me downtown
I grabbed some flowers for a friend
You said you felt like I was falling in love with you
I said don’t be so full of yourself
We hadn’t talked in weeks and you texted me that you wanted to hang out
I told you to go fuck yourself
A month later you bought me a red rose
I never knew why you thought I cared so much