Life has been full of ups and downs. Mostly downs if I want to be real.
The past few days have kept me busy. On Sunday I went to the Millennium tour with my cousins.
(Only one cousin pictured)
It was cool. Yin Yang twins were the best performers but I’m so glad I got to finally see Lloyd live. Lloyd is probably my favorite r&b musician unless Partynextdoor counts.
Although I feel I overshared with my cousins. My family likes to talk and usually not in a positive light. It’s whatever. I’m really honestly fucking over it. People talk shit when you are doing good and when you are doing bad. What’s a girl to do? I’m a little concerned about one of my cousins. I knew she was going through it but she made it evident that day that she wasn’t okay.
On Monday, Jaime and I rented a yurt in Carlsbad.
It was really nice but I did for sure ended up drinking too much. I hate the person I become when I drink too much sometimes.
The best part was being by the beach. I don’t know but I always feel the most at ease when I’m at the beach. It’s the only thing that can convince me that everything is going to be okay.
I’m sorry guys. I feel like I’m being very vague and not very interesting. I just want to stay dedicated to writing because I need something to keep me sane because I feel like I’m losing my shit.
My friends I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I walked out of my work Half Baked style. I didn’t cuss at anyone. I just grab everything from my locker, took my name tag off, clocked out and left.
I really couldn’t take it anymore. I really tried but it wasn’t worth it. I was seeing my mental health going down the drain and the whole point of moving to Hemet and starting a new job was to improve on it. It’s only gotten worse since I have left Murrieta but I think I’m really starting to see some sunshine in my life.
I applied to school for real. It’s a big amount but I can’t go on working at these shitty places. I need to focus on myself and I guess my education. I hate playing into this silly system but it has to be done. I’m just not excited about the expenses.
My anniversary is coming up and considering my friend is getting married a day after our anniversary, we can’t really do anything on the actual date. This upcoming Monday, we are going glamping in a yurt in Carlsbad. I’m pretty excited. I swear I’m always stressing but I always find the time and somehow the money to get away.
Like the other day I went to San Clemente. It’s a pretty boring beach town if you ask me but it’s still pretty. I did go to this amazing book store and bought too many books. Three on the French Revolution, one on drugs and corruption, one of the Wall Street crash and a David Sedaris’s book. Also had a good time at Pizza Port. For some reason I was convinced I didn’t like their beer but I’m a fan.
This weekend I don’t have much planned but on Sunday I’m going to the Millennium tour in LA and I’m so excited. I’m going with my cousins and for some reason I get anxiety when thinking about hanging out with my family. I mean shit everything gives me anxiety.
My brother sent me a letter the other day and it was such a shitty day and I’m just so glad that he’s alive. I’m being dramatic but it’s so weird to have someone you care about not be so far away but you can’t really communicate with them.
I’m a mess my friends but things are looking up, I promise.
It’s been awhile my friends but like I mentioned in my last post I have been in a weird funk. (I mean suffering from depression and anxiety)
I’m starting to feel better though but my job and living conditions aren’t the greatest right now. I said I was going to move back to Murrieta but I really don’t want to screw over my sister in law even though I can’t stand her right now.
My job has been weird lately. It’s gotten better though for the most part. People have stopped being so rude but it’s still uncomfortable. Also there was this moment where my manager started yelling at this black lady over a price. I wish I was exaggerating but she was right next to my ear screaming at this woman. It was a forty cent difference. Something similar happened the same day and she gave the customer the product for the different price. It made me extremely uncomfortable because I could see the bias as clear as day. I haven’t gotten over it.
Enough about work because I’m honestly close to quitting. I have done some fun things like go to Palm Springs!
Jaime and I went to the Aerial Tramway and it was unreal. I think we did get altitude sickness because We had a headache that day We couldn’t shake but it was worth it.
I have been spending a lot more time with my mom which is good. I’ve always took my mom for granted and I realize that now. She such an amazing person and I honestly just want to be the best I can be for her. She has been my only friend other than Jaime. We went to the beach last week and just been doing a lot of shopping in between.
I think I have been a weird mood lately because a lot of shit is coming up. My first wedding anniversary which we still haven’t figured out. My friend’s wedding which I’m actually in. My sister in law is graduating but Jaime and I haven’t been speaking with her but her graduation is in Arizona so we should be making plans soon. I just want this month to be over already. I just want to be in somewhere new with no one to worry about.
It’s been awhile but I have been busy to be fair. I’m finally going back to work after a week and a half off. It has been so nice and I’m not excited to go back.
Anyway this past weekend was my friend’s Bachelorette party. The first night I had too much fun. The second night I was just hungover. The third day was cleaning up and a long trek back home. (We were in Santa Ynez which is the wine country of Santa Barbara)
It’s so crazy to think that I met my friend just a few years ago working at Lowes. We were just two young single girls who were boy crazy and just wildin out on the weekend. Now we are two old ladies with their husbands. It’s crazy how fast the years go by and how much change happens in those years. I can’t seem to get over it.
The other days I have been lazy like usual, hanging out with my mom and hanging out with Jaime and also one of his sisters. I have calmed down about the family situation but I really still don’t feel good about it. I’m tired of fighting for acceptance and love. This isn’t grade school, you know?But trying to ignoring all the bullshit around you and not being bitter in the heart is hard.
Also I watched Us yesterday and did want to talk about it a little bit.
I was entertained by the movie but I do think it was just ok. I don’t think it’s fair to compare Get Out and Us because they are two different movies with wildly different concepts. I think Lupita Nyong’o did an amazing job and I love the visuals and the score. I just think the story was a bit sloppy. I would still recommend seeing it but it’s not mind blowing. What I got out of it was the relationship with class in America. It’s suppose to be a metaphor but it really is lost in a weird narrative of underground people and it’s a bit ableist. Class conversations are very important to me but like I said I don’t think it was done well. One movie that I did enjoy and I feel did it successfully was Sorry To Bother You.
Whew my friends life has been rough and beautiful at the same time.
Yesterday was my birthday and I didn’t do much other than go to a brewery, get drunk and then pass out. Jaime and I went to Rosarito on Monday for my birthday which was really nice.
Jaime and I were in a rough spot for a couple of weeks. We haven’t been seeing eye to eye. It was nice having the time to talk and spend time together. It almost felt like falling in love in the beginning but better because we already know each other. No bullshit.
I just want to say that I really love Mexico and forgot how much I loved Mexico. It’s not even that far, about a two hour drive. My family use to go to Mexico all the time when I was younger. We stopped going when the whole cartel situation got really bad.
Anyway the rough stuff is Hemet isn’t really working out. I do like Hemet and I think all the shit talking about it is blatant classism. I also don’t live in a bad area. Is there a lot of homelessness where I live? Yes but I literally forgot to lock my door and left it wide open for hours and not one thing was stolen.
Hemet isn’t working out because roommates. I just have a problem with people who don’t hold themselves at the same standard. I understand she stressed or whatever but it’s been constant lately and I’m honestly over it after the shit she pulled yesterday. I told Jaime I don’t want to live here anymore and that’s it. I already talked to my mom and it’s done.
It was my birthday yesterday and for the most part I don’t care if people forget or what not but my in-laws didn’t say a word to me. I’m done trying to be okay with their blatant disrespect. It’s not like this is the only thing they have done to me. Every family event, they never include me and say “oh we didn’t know she was coming.” Jaime and I have been married almost a year and I have been a significant person in his life for three years and it seems to be getting worse and not better and I have came to a conclusion that I don’t need that in my life. I have stayed so neutral and kind because of Jaime but I can’t do it anymore.
I won’t put up with bullshit anymore. I’m too old and bitter for it.
Day 10: Best Trip Of Your Life
This one was hard because I use to be quite the traveler at one point but I would have to say Nashville Tennessee.
Nashville Tennessee was my first solo trip and was it quite the trip.
Unfortunately I don’t have photos of the trip because at the time I was obsessed with Snapchat and they didn’t have the save feature.
The only reason I went to Nashville was because of the show Master of None. I wouldn’t suggest going to a place only because a show but it worked out.
I didn’t plan a god damn thing. I just booked a hotel and that was it. I did very touristy things the first day like go on Broadway. I met a lot of people. A doctor and his wife visiting for a convention. Two older women that had been friends since high school. A construction worker. Three techies.
One of these techies would take me to his sky rise apartment in Nashville and play Middle Brother on vinyl and play me songs on his guitar. Also attempted to fuck me with a strap on. (My life is pretty wild)
The rest of the day were tame. I went to Bluebird Cafe and had the best musical experience of my life. Met a man with his band and honestly if it had worked out, the beginning of the love story would of been straight out of a movie.
Nashville was a lot of fun. I had never felt so free in my life. It also showed me that I really am capable of anything if I put my mind to it.
(I know I haven’t been posting that much but to be fair I have been writing everyday here and there)
Sorry I haven’t written in so long. There really aren’t any excuses but these past few days have been overwhelming. I have some good news! I have actually landed a job and it’s a five minute walk from home so it’s super cool and convenient but being a housewife was cool while it lasted.
Anyway back to the prompt which day five is my proudest moment would be moving to San Francisco. It was a time I was truly independent and did something for myself. San Francisco is largely the reason for the person I am today and I’m proud of that. I’m proud of how empathetic I am. I’m proud of how more aware I am. I’m proud to know no matter how much pain and suffering I will go through, I will make it out stronger.