Wednesday Morning

Hello my friends!

I’ve been working the past few days and even though it’s not long hours, I’ve been tired. (Also a little lazy)

Work is cool so far but I haven’t really actually done my job. The past few days have been mostly tedious things like learning the mission statement, product knowledge, company’s history, and just a lot of corporate bullshit that’s honestly pointless.

Saturday is my first day working alone and I’m kinda nervous. Selling clothes honestly seems so awkward to me and the extent they want me to do it is honestly too much. I work for a higher end retailer but it’s not like it’s Gucci or Balenciaga. They expect you to get clients but honestly it’s Forever 21 clothes but marked way up. I feel like I’m being harsh but it’s kinda true.

They also kinda have a oddly specific dress code. If you aren’t wearing the brand you have to wear all black, white or dark grey business casual. You can’t wear heavy makeup and your nails have to be polished and never chipped.

Anyway my favorite part so far is getting to try on clothes for the hell of it. It makes sense so you can get an idea of styling and sizing.

Anyway it’s hard to tell how well this job is going to work out because it’s the beginning but I am nervous about it but hell I’m nervous about everything.

To be fair on why I didn’t write one whole day is because I did spend the day yesterday with Jaime. (I really should just schedule post but my blog is mostly a diary of thoughts so it’s kinda hard if the day hasn’t happened yet)

After work yesterday we went to get a few beers, got In N Out and went shopping at Kohl’s because I needed a few outfits for work. It was a nice day with him yesterday considering we got in a fight the day before because he came home late drinking with friends and it was my first day of work and also my brothers last day before MCT.

My brother is gone. I was a little sad I didn’t get to be there to drop him off but at least he gets his phone for the weekends and he will have liberty the last two weeks. It’s not like boot camp where I had to wait for a letter in the mail to hear from him.

Today all I’m going to do is just chill, write in my physical journal, read my book on the French Revolution (which is only about murder) and wait for Jaime to get home so I can watch the new Black Mirror.

Till next time my friends.

Tuesday Morning

It’s been awhile my friends but like I mentioned in my last post I have been in a weird funk. (I mean suffering from depression and anxiety)

I’m starting to feel better though but my job and living conditions aren’t the greatest right now. I said I was going to move back to Murrieta but I really don’t want to screw over my sister in law even though I can’t stand her right now.

My job has been weird lately. It’s gotten better though for the most part. People have stopped being so rude but it’s still uncomfortable. Also there was this moment where my manager started yelling at this black lady over a price. I wish I was exaggerating but she was right next to my ear screaming at this woman. It was a forty cent difference. Something similar happened the same day and she gave the customer the product for the different price. It made me extremely uncomfortable because I could see the bias as clear as day. I haven’t gotten over it.

Enough about work because I’m honestly close to quitting. I have done some fun things like go to Palm Springs!

Jaime and I went to the Aerial Tramway and it was unreal. I think we did get altitude sickness because We had a headache that day We couldn’t shake but it was worth it.

I have been spending a lot more time with my mom which is good. I’ve always took my mom for granted and I realize that now. She such an amazing person and I honestly just want to be the best I can be for her. She has been my only friend other than Jaime. We went to the beach last week and just been doing a lot of shopping in between.

I think I have been a weird mood lately because a lot of shit is coming up. My first wedding anniversary which we still haven’t figured out. My friend’s wedding which I’m actually in. My sister in law is graduating but Jaime and I haven’t been speaking with her but her graduation is in Arizona so we should be making plans soon. I just want this month to be over already. I just want to be in somewhere new with no one to worry about.

Work Work Work

Work has been interesting lately. I did need the time off for sure because the bullshit that has been happening has been odd.

I keep getting into these weird political conversations with people.

I had a customer who had a shirt that said Mussolini is my hero. I kept staring at it because who the fuck wears something like that? That’s crazy. He asked me if I knew who Mussolini was. I said yes the literal inventor of fascism (Hitler’s biggest inspiration. I didn’t say this part but I should have) This customer comes in all the time, now he avoids my line. We talked a little more about it and he ended the conversation with “I didn’t know people still knew history.”

I had another customer who talked to me about the situation in Venezuela. I never ever at work say my opinion about politics but this one slipped out. I told him that America should let Venezuela figure it out on their own, we don’t need to interfere. I’m tired of people dying for no reason. I think he may of gotten offended but we don’t need another Vietnam.

I was talking to my manager for a little bit about these weird occurrences. I didn’t go into detail but she went on to tell me one of the regulars won’t talk to her because she voted for Trump. I honestly didn’t need to know that. Y’all know how I feel about that. I won’t treat her differently because its work and I don’t buy into that shit that my coworkers are family. That is abusive.

My coworkers are talking behind my back. I already knew this but I got a confirmation from another coworker. I think it slipped out for him but it’s cool because at least I know I can trust him.

It really hasn’t been that bad because although it sucks not having a good relationship with who you work with it’s whatever. I have a goal to save and although I want to quit, why let them win? Not everyone is going to like me and that’s fine. It took me awhile to realize this but I’m there now.

Working in a Grocery store so far.

Whew. I have worked at this job for almost about a month and whew is all I got to say. (Not really)

I really just wanted to do with job is clock in and clock out but somehow this became impossible. I have been feeling the heat lately.

I don’t know if I mentioned but there is this one girl I work with and she is the perfect smartass. Always has something smart to say but I have had enough because she seems to be extra cruel to me. I told my manager to tell her something or I’m going to have to tell her to shut the fuck up.

There’s also an another girl. We have the same name. At first she was cool but you could tell there was something off about her. It’s mostly because she’s practically family with the owner of the store, never a good sign. She really tried it with me the last time I worked and what she doesn’t understand is I will walk out of that store willingly. I don’t want them to have that power over me but man it really is a fucking soap opera in there.

A new girl started the other day. She’s not really new but new to me. She asked me how I liked it. I said it was different. She laughed and said it’s like a soap opera huh? I couldn’t say anything but agree.

I wouldn’t say I have any real friends there but there was this guy named Marlon I was cool with. He quit the last time I worked. I was tempted to quit too. He was mad because they put him in a different position. He has quit the job two times before and one of the reasons was because he hates this position. He also was the only person moved to the floor to not receive a raise. Was his reasoning to quit a bit entitled? Sure but there are two people in the world, people who do something about being unhappy in a situation and those who do not. Sure there are people who truly can’t because the hell of capitalism but he wasn’t in that position. So if he could leave a job because it made him unhappy, why wouldn’t he?

I guess it’s not all bad. There’s a few people I like to talk to.

There’s a cashier really into music and shoes. He’s cool. He defends the place too much though.

There’s a guy in courtesy that always helps bag my customer’s groceries and offers to buy me drinks. He also is one of the few people who just talks to me. I think he may like me sometimes but he’s cool.

There’s a girl who’s mom works there too. She only works on Saturday because she goes to school. I think she’s cool although I’m pretty sure I came off pretentious to her.

The lady who told me this place is like a soap opera is cool. Me, Marlon and her had a talk about being a POC working there. I needed that because sometimes I feel crazy that some coworkers and managers give this racist vibe. But now I know I’m not the only one.

I have a goal in mind. It hasn’t been easy getting where I am right now but I have to keep going.

Second Day At The Job

Okay I do want to say I’m grateful to have a job. I guess something that makes me more of a productive human being in society but I’m just not vibing with a lot of the people there. Surprisingly I didn’t have one rude customer. I mean I do have those customers who won’t acknowledge me but I don’t care about that anymore. I do have more patience than I did at Lowes which is remarkable.

I did have a manager argue with me in front of customer. Even after she left the customer was like wow she was rude. Like I’m day two on a job and I’m already being berated for something she was wrong about. She did come to apologize but it doesn’t excuse the fact she wasn’t professional. How are you a part of management but don’t know how to speak to employees without demeaning them?

I got to talk to one of the cashiers for a little bit. She was telling me about her past jobs. She also told me you have to work three years at this store before you get paid vacation. Like what the fuck? I’m on the privilege side of this. I can take a non paid vacation but people who work there for survival have to lose their sanity for three years before they can have an extended vacation? Give me a fucking break.

I’m really trying to be at ease because it’s an easy job. No stress at all really but it makes me mad that businesses really take advantage of people and their labor. The owner loves to say well we are a small mom and pop shop who takes care of their employees. This is a blatant lie and if you can’t afford to pay your employees benefits and a livable wage, you either don’t need employees or you don’t deserve to be in business. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

Phoenix Arizona

  • I went to Phoenix Arizona this weekend and I never thought I would love it so much. I did have a friend over a year ago tell me that it was a booming city. It’s so cute but so hot. Jaime and I decided it’s our new vacation spot. (Arizona in general)
  • I think I just like the desert aesthetic. I love Vegas, Arizona, Joshua Tree and Palm Springs.
  • I think I only really like these cities because the cost of living is cheap and there seems to be more of a community feeling and also A LOT of art. (Although were we live definitely has a good community, it’s expensive, racist and not a whole lot of art action out here)
  • We stayed in the cutest tiny home in Phoenix and I think it almost convince Jaime to jump on that tiny home train.
  • I somehow manage to maintain my sanity and composure with Jaime‚Äôs family. They are still upset about the elopement and I’m still upset too. Jaime made me feel a little better when he said he was kinda mad too.
  • I need another job desperately. I don’t want to go to school unless that’s all I have to do. Yes, it’s inspiring when you hear those stories of people who go to work full time and go to school full time and even have kids and still manage to get their degree but that’s not a life I want to live. My job pays the bills and I still have money to play around with. Not as much as I like but my life is great. It really is. I just hate the management and company morale of my job.
  • I say this all the time but I want to focus more on doing art and such but seriously. It’s been a long time since I focused on myself. Yes I just got married but at the end of the day we are still two separate people and I need to keep doing things I love.
  • I need to stop smoking weed because it’s starting to become a problem (with finding a job) I don’t know a better way to control my anxiety and anger though.
  • Being married is weird. Everything still feels the same just more sex and I have a different last name.
  • I really wish I could start my own business but I honestly don’t know where to start. I am really tired of working for other people. I need to do some research.
  • I JUST NEED TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
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