Wednesday Morning

Hello my friends!

I’ve been working the past few days and even though it’s not long hours, I’ve been tired. (Also a little lazy)

Work is cool so far but I haven’t really actually done my job. The past few days have been mostly tedious things like learning the mission statement, product knowledge, company’s history, and just a lot of corporate bullshit that’s honestly pointless.

Saturday is my first day working alone and I’m kinda nervous. Selling clothes honestly seems so awkward to me and the extent they want me to do it is honestly too much. I work for a higher end retailer but it’s not like it’s Gucci or Balenciaga. They expect you to get clients but honestly it’s Forever 21 clothes but marked way up. I feel like I’m being harsh but it’s kinda true.

They also kinda have a oddly specific dress code. If you aren’t wearing the brand you have to wear all black, white or dark grey business casual. You can’t wear heavy makeup and your nails have to be polished and never chipped.

Anyway my favorite part so far is getting to try on clothes for the hell of it. It makes sense so you can get an idea of styling and sizing.

Anyway it’s hard to tell how well this job is going to work out because it’s the beginning but I am nervous about it but hell I’m nervous about everything.

To be fair on why I didn’t write one whole day is because I did spend the day yesterday with Jaime. (I really should just schedule post but my blog is mostly a diary of thoughts so it’s kinda hard if the day hasn’t happened yet)

After work yesterday we went to get a few beers, got In N Out and went shopping at Kohl’s because I needed a few outfits for work. It was a nice day with him yesterday considering we got in a fight the day before because he came home late drinking with friends and it was my first day of work and also my brothers last day before MCT.

My brother is gone. I was a little sad I didn’t get to be there to drop him off but at least he gets his phone for the weekends and he will have liberty the last two weeks. It’s not like boot camp where I had to wait for a letter in the mail to hear from him.

Today all I’m going to do is just chill, write in my physical journal, read my book on the French Revolution (which is only about murder) and wait for Jaime to get home so I can watch the new Black Mirror.

Till next time my friends.

Monday Morning

Hello my friends! I’m feeling very anxious this morning. It’s my first day of my job and right now I’m waiting in a coffee shop just waiting for it to turn one o’clock so I can just get it over with. I don’t know why I feel so nervous to start this new job. I think it’s because I always find it hard to fit in and also find it hard to adjust to new things but it should be okay. For the past few hours I’ve been writing in my journal and reading a book about The French Revolution. It made me feel slightly better because when I woke up this morning I was going to throw up from my nerves. I hate that I get like this and it happens all too often.

I also got an uneasy call from my academic advisor this morning. He basically told me that I need my own laptop to do the program. I was just planning to get my work done at the library until I could get approve for a loan or until I could save up for a laptop. It’s just not an option. I’m feeling a little worried about it but I just hope I can push out the semester to fall. If not I guess I’ll just reapply. Why is life so fucking hard to figure out?

Anyway yesterday was a really nice day out with my brother and a few friends. I honestly planned yesterday to be boring and at home but we did a lot.

We first went to a restaurant called Chef’s Grille. Honestly it was too expensive for what it was. I feel like a lot of restaurants in Murrieta and Temecula are. There is a lot of these restaurants with nice interiors popping up but they just don’t taste great and it’s twenty a plate. That being said it was just okay.

What was nice was I got a lot off my chest. It’s been awhile since I felt like I had a friend other than my mom and Jaime. I know it’s my fault but I just don’t feel like talking to anyone else lately.

After lunch we decided to go to the mall because my brother wanted to buy different frames. We ended up taking a wrong turn and ended up at Mr. Chi again. Apparently they change their glass cups about everyday.

I ended up getting a watermelon soda. It was good but I wish I just got a milk tea instead.

When we got to the mall, my brother decided he would wait to get frames later. We walked around for a little bit. I ended up seeing an old friend at the mall. It had been so long and I’ve missed him. He’s the reason Jaime and I are together honestly. I told him we have to hang out soon. Hopefully I can keep my promise.

After going to the mall we started to walk around. There’s a lot of things to see and do around the mall. We went to Plato’s closet. It’s a thrift store but I guess with standards. My brother got two pairs of shoes. They are really nice I wish I took a picture of them. We also went to a pet store for the hell of it and there was a bird at the front door that could talk. Like it literally says bye as you leave the store. Birds freak me out though.

One time I went to a birthday party in six grade. My friend had a bird and the first things she said is don’t put your finger in the cage. The first thing my dumb ass did was put my finger in the cage. The bird took a pretty good chunk out of my finger and I’ve been traumatized ever since.

Anyway we also went to go throw axes. Well I didn’t and neither did Anna. (I know I didn’t mention names before, oh well!) I felt like I was in Final Destination just waiting for my impeding death. My brother and Joaquin had fun though

After the axe throwing we went home. It was a nice way to close my brother being here. I mean he’s still here but I’m going to be gone for most of the day. I’m really going to miss my brother but I don’t want to think about that right now. I have a hundred other things to worry about and he’ll be fine. It may be awhile till I’ll see him again but I’ll be fine. I have to be.

Saturday Afternoon

I’m counting my last days of freedom my friends. Today Jaime and I actually woke up early to do some errands. We always say we are going to wake up early but never do.

We first went to Kohl’s because Jaime needed more dress pants for work. I fucking hate Kohl’s but I love all the deals they have for fine jewelry. Jaime ended buying me a necklace that I have been wanting for awhile.

He did not buy it for a $125. There is no way in hell I would let him pay that much. He got it for $30 plus a 15% discount. Jcpenny is also a place that has amazing deals on fine jewelry. Most likely unethical though.

I finally went to the bougie tea place and it was so nice. I got some cotton candy milk tea and it comes in a nice reusable glass. It was $5. It’s a high price for tea but at least it comes with a glass you can keep. The place is called Mr. Chi if you are near the Wildomar area but who the fucks lives in the Inland empire? Barely anyone. (This is a lie but honestly there isn’t much to do around here but drink at wineries and breweries)

We came back home and he had to go straight home. I really thought that was going to be the end of my day but I ended going to the Lake Elsinore Outlet with my brother and my mom because my brother needed some new running shoes before he left.

If you don’t know by now, I’m a fucking mall rat. I’m a lot better than I use to be but I still love to shop. It’s one of my biggest character flaws but I remember going to the outlets all the time as a kids growing up. Now it’s just an outlet filled with empty stores. It’s honestly fucking bizarre.

I didn’t buy anything but my mom bought me a tote bag and some pants all for $12! I don’t have a picture of either but here are photos of my outfit and some lunch bag I wanted but I honestly don’t have money to spare like that.

Anyway I see myself creeping out of my depressive episode. I finally cleaned my room and I’m honestly excited to work again.

I’m really having second thoughts on school. I’m starting to finally come afloat with my finances and I’m really about to get myself into more debt. I’m really not fucking excited about it. I know I don’t have to but getting a degree is the only way I feel I can be a fucking adult with a fucking “adult” job. I hate it.

Anyway my friends I’m watching a movie right now that’s on Hulu. It’s called I’m Just Fucking With You. I’m about half way in and it’s bizarre. It’s a thriller and I’m still not sure what exactly is going on but I do enjoy it. I’ll have to write about it tomorrow when I’m finished. I really should do movie reviews because I’m always watching a movie.

That reminds me so I finished the movie Always Be My Maybe on Netflix. I liked it because I’m a huge fan of romcoms and it reminded me of the San Francisco so much and I’ve been really homesick lately for some reason. What I didn’t like is I’m tired of this trope that’s always in romcoms that a rich person is all depressed, rude as fuck, and lonely. They have everything in life but love. I’m tired of the same fucking story honestly. There are too many romcoms out there with this trope. I still enjoyed it though.

I also watched another movie yesterday called The Perfection. It’s on Netflix and all I can say is that movie is fucked up. It’s a weird thriller about music prodigies and some pedophelia elements.

That’s all I got for today my friends, until next time.

Avocado Jones

It was about a week before the Jameson bartenders ball and you texted me out of the blue to be your date. I said yes but I was nervous. We hadn’t really established a true friendship, just a vain acquaintanceship. It didn’t help that you were a Regina George, a true Courtney Alice Shayne. 

I spent all day trying to find the perfect outfit to impress you. I just ended up saying fuck it and took the 48 to your house. Just to find out you were freaking out too. You couldn’t find a belt and didn’t want to be seen with me without a belt.

We ended up going to some posh bar on Valencia where the bartenders were as pretentious as the atmosphere.

You told me you were in love with the pretty boy bartender with the Macklemore haircut and rode a roadster bike.

I asked you “How many times have you been in love?”

You took the Rose Quartz that was around my neck and placed it on your forehead and started to cry.

You looked at me and said “I fall in love every single day.”

That exact moment is when I fell in love with you.

January 14 2019

I imagined today

I would cook the cheap pieces of steak

That’s been in our freezer for a mouth

With butter and mushrooms

And shallots

Salt and pepper

In a pan

Medium heat

Cooked half way

Tucked in a puff pastry

Baked to a golden brown

Slowly unraveling the pieces in you

In my hand

In my mouth

Tearing you down into pieces

With my teeth

Shredding you into fragments that

Make sense

Fragments easier to break down

To digest

To get every word, every syllable

Every roll of the tongue

Every bit of you

A Christmas Story

I waited anxiously for you outside the Embarcadero center. The BART was running late, you were on your way from your apartment in Oakland.

This was the first time we were going to hang out. It had been months of back and forth but I finally gave in. There was a magnetic force between us that could only be felt. No matter how much I pulled back, I always felt the whiplash of becoming closer to you. I didn’t want any part of it. I didn’t want any part of you. I felt myself bursting at the seams and I didn’t want you involved. Vulnerability is the enemy but I couldn’t help it. I was lonely and somehow you filled my void like a puzzle.

There you were, running up the stairs from BART. With your moppy brown hair that was always covered with a backwards hat, chapped lips, frail figure, and the iconic double denim outfit. I couldn’t help but smile every time I saw you.

You saw my smile and smiled back. You brought me close and embraced. He said “Sorry I was late. The BART is unpredictable.” I replied “Tell me about.” He laughed slightly and said “So what did you want to do?”

“I was thinking about going ice skating but when I got here for some reason the rink here is closed.”

“We can walk to the one downtown it’s not too far.”

“Yeah that would be nice me.”

We started to walk up Market. At first there was uncomfortable silences. You were still a stranger but with time it was easier to unravel you. We talking about our dreams of seeing the world, our love of writing and our favorite bands. The magnetic force made more sense with every word that spilled from your mouth. I hung on every word. I wanted to know you. I wanted you. It just wasn’t so easy.

We get to the ice rink downtown. It was my first Christmas in San Francisco and I hadn’t seen anything like it. A cityscape of tall building. Snowflake lights on every light pole. A huge Christmas tree outside of Macy’s covered in red and gold ornaments.

I couldn’t look up from the sky, the building, and the tree. It was what I envisioned my whole entire life. City dreams but in real time. I got lost until you said “You have a beautiful smile.” I locked eyes on him. I said “We should buy our tickets and get our skates. We don’t have much time until midnight.”

He bought the tickets for ice skating. I told him I could buy my own but he insisted. We sat down and tied up the rented ice skates.

You went on the ice first. I could tell it wasn’t your first time. I never have been ice skating. You could tell because I ended up falling a couple of times. After the third time, you reached your hand out to me. Your hand was soft and warm, comfort, everything I wasn’t but you smiled at me anyway.

We skated arm to arm. I had never felt so close to you, to anyone. We talked about our families. We talked about the upcoming holiday and how lonely it could be in the city. I didn’t feel alone anymore.

It was 11:20 and the last BART to Oakland left at 11:30. We rushed to get to the Powell Muni/BART station. We hugged goodbye and went our different ways. I hopped on the last L and by the time I got to West Portal, I had five text messages and three missed calls.

“Hey babe what are you up to?”

“Are you busy.”

“Why are you ignoring me?”

“Babe please I don’t understand why you aren’t texting me back.”

“Okay well I love you.”

None of them were from you. I started to cry because I wish one of them were. I wished I could let go, for the sake of me and him. I wished I could be free of the monsters inside of me. I wish I could be free on the infidelity.

Instead I text you and say “Sorry! I went out with a friend and left my phone at home. I love you babe.” Still wishing you were someone else.