Wednesday Afternoon

I have actually gotten out of bed and out of my room without needing to actually do something my friends and it feels nice. It’s mostly because my sister in law is on spring break and my mother in law came over and I just don’t feel like dealing with it.

I walked down to a local coffee shop, even though I don’t drink coffee anymore, I bought a sandwich and played this Iphone game I’ve been obsessed with for awhile. It’s similar to candy crush but it has a legit story and some interior design involved.

I don’t know what it is about today but I feel better. Do I keep thinking about how shitty my life is right now? Sure but I’m a little hopeful. I finally paid the $70 application fee for school and that shit hurted. (I know this isn’t a word I did it intentional) I’m starting to stress about money a little bit. I know we should be fine but still. I hate stressing about money.

I keep thinking about my job I just quit. There were some elements that I liked. Customers were really nice. I did have very few cool coworkers. It got me to eat better and got me to cook more. I also realize rationalizing a hostile work environment is not good for me either. I do think it is a bit odd though when I quit I called the day after and talked to one of my mangers, Sara. I always liked her because she’s a legit a good person and one of the best managers I have had despite the shitty job. I mean she was really cool. She really knows how to communicate correctly, doesn’t dehumanize you. The way she said good bye was weird to me. It felt so nice and sincere. (Not saying it wasn’t but I did walk out of the place in the middle of my shift and that clearly doesn’t make for a nice clean good bye) I still don’t feel comfortable going there though and it’s the closest grocery store near by. I’m having Jaime drive me to Winco tonight to save me some anxiety.

I wanted my blog to be private but I don’t care anymore, I’m starting to question my relationship with Jaime’s family. When we first got together it wasn’t bad. I truly felt they were inviting. I don’t know what happened but then I felt I just started to get ignored by a lot of his family, so much so that no one in his family knows a thing about me. Just the things I post on Instagram which let’s be honest is all performative bullshit. It bothered me a little because I would go to his family events to be sitting in a corner the whole time being ignored while Jaime is being pulled in many different directions. I thought maybe I should be more outgoing but it’s not my fault I’m not super bubbly. I wasn’t made that way.

When we got married it got even worse. Small comments here and there. I think the worse time is when I went over to my other sister in laws house for a small gathering and Jaime’s mom said “I didn’t know she was coming.” So they only saved Jaime food. To put it in better perspective, I was already living with one of my sister in laws, (They all live about a ten minute radius from each other) I had no job, so why wouldn’t I come? Especially considering that I always go to family events even without Jaime.

I’m becoming a little more upset by my living situation too. Don’t get me wrong I moved out of my apartment because I wanted to save money and I needed a break so Jaime and I agreed to move in with my sister in law to help her out, with that being said I could of done the same thing and moved in with my mom which is honestly better to me because I know and love my mom. I love Jaime’s family and I do care about them because at the end of the day that’s my husband’s family but they have made an effort to show me I’m not part of their family.

When we first moved in, everything was cool. We did have a small hiccup because she said something stupid and insensitive about kids. Never did apologize for it but it’s whatever. Then about two months ago she keeps sending us these lists through texts of everything we are fucking up on, which was irritating because on these lists she would do some of these things. The time where I had enough is when she texted us on my birthday about moving our dogs to the garage. Maybe I’m too much but she already doesn’t have that great of air conditioning as it is and  (I have pugs and summers get well over 100 degrees in Hemet), there are rats and black widows. Why would I move my dogs in there. So I took my dogs to my mom’s house. She ignored us (especially me) for a month until we gave her extra money for the water bill that Jaime’s mom asked us to give her. (That’s another thing that’s fucking irritating. Jaime’s mom call Jaime asking him if we can pay $1000 instead of $600 because Jaime’s dad is running out of savings. Why on earth would I have left my apartment to pay $1000 for a room?)

It makes me upset that money is the only reason she started talking to me. She started talking to Jaime and sometimes she purposely only says hi to him. I literally have done nothing to her but move my dogs out because I didn’t want them staying in the garage.

I really do want to move out but I don’t want to screw her over. I know she’s stressed and overwhelmed but man so am I and I don’t take it out on people like that.

The good thing is I’m out. In one of the places that I love, the library. I’m going to spend the next hour reading Toni Morrison and although my life is a fucking scramble, shit will figure itself out.

I want to thank my readers out there who comment and tell me to keep writing and that things will be okay. I see you and appreciate you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wednesday Morning

It’s been awhile but I have been busy to be fair. I’m finally going back to work after a week and a half off. It has been so nice and I’m not excited to go back.

Anyway this past weekend was my friend’s Bachelorette party. The first night I had too much fun. The second night I was just hungover. The third day was cleaning up and a long trek back home. (We were in Santa Ynez which is the wine country of Santa Barbara)

It’s so crazy to think that I met my friend just a few years ago working at Lowes. We were just two young single girls who were boy crazy and just wildin out on the weekend. Now we are two old ladies with their husbands. It’s crazy how fast the years go by and how much change happens in those years. I can’t seem to get over it.

The other days I have been lazy like usual, hanging out with my mom and hanging out with Jaime and also one of his sisters. I have calmed down about the family situation but I really still don’t feel good about it. I’m tired of fighting for acceptance and love. This isn’t grade school, you know?But trying to ignoring all the bullshit around you and not being bitter in the heart is hard.

Also I watched Us yesterday and did want to talk about it a little bit.

I was entertained by the movie but I do think it was just ok. I don’t think it’s fair to compare Get Out and Us because they are two different movies with wildly different concepts. I think Lupita Nyong’o did an amazing job and I love the visuals and the score. I just think the story was a bit sloppy. I would still recommend seeing it but it’s not mind blowing. What I got out of it was the relationship with class in America. It’s suppose to be a metaphor but it really is lost in a weird narrative of underground people and it’s a bit ableist. Class conversations are very important to me but like I said I don’t think it was done well. One movie that I did enjoy and I feel did it successfully was Sorry To Bother You.

January 14 2019

I imagined today

I would cook the cheap pieces of steak

That’s been in our freezer for a mouth

With butter and mushrooms

And shallots

Salt and pepper

In a pan

Medium heat

Cooked half way

Tucked in a puff pastry

Baked to a golden brown

Slowly unraveling the pieces in you

In my hand

In my mouth

Tearing you down into pieces

With my teeth

Shredding you into fragments that

Make sense

Fragments easier to break down

To digest

To get every word, every syllable

Every roll of the tongue

Every bit of you

A Christmas Story

I waited anxiously for you outside the Embarcadero center. The BART was running late, you were on your way from your apartment in Oakland.

This was the first time we were going to hang out. It had been months of back and forth but I finally gave in. There was a magnetic force between us that could only be felt. No matter how much I pulled back, I always felt the whiplash of becoming closer to you. I didn’t want any part of it. I didn’t want any part of you. I felt myself bursting at the seams and I didn’t want you involved. Vulnerability is the enemy but I couldn’t help it. I was lonely and somehow you filled my void like a puzzle.

There you were, running up the stairs from BART. With your moppy brown hair that was always covered with a backwards hat, chapped lips, frail figure, and the iconic double denim outfit. I couldn’t help but smile every time I saw you.

You saw my smile and smiled back. You brought me close and embraced. He said “Sorry I was late. The BART is unpredictable.” I replied “Tell me about.” He laughed slightly and said “So what did you want to do?”

“I was thinking about going ice skating but when I got here for some reason the rink here is closed.”

“We can walk to the one downtown it’s not too far.”

“Yeah that would be nice me.”

We started to walk up Market. At first there was uncomfortable silences. You were still a stranger but with time it was easier to unravel you. We talking about our dreams of seeing the world, our love of writing and our favorite bands. The magnetic force made more sense with every word that spilled from your mouth. I hung on every word. I wanted to know you. I wanted you. It just wasn’t so easy.

We get to the ice rink downtown. It was my first Christmas in San Francisco and I hadn’t seen anything like it. A cityscape of tall building. Snowflake lights on every light pole. A huge Christmas tree outside of Macy’s covered in red and gold ornaments.

I couldn’t look up from the sky, the building, and the tree. It was what I envisioned my whole entire life. City dreams but in real time. I got lost until you said “You have a beautiful smile.” I locked eyes on him. I said “We should buy our tickets and get our skates. We don’t have much time until midnight.”

He bought the tickets for ice skating. I told him I could buy my own but he insisted. We sat down and tied up the rented ice skates.

You went on the ice first. I could tell it wasn’t your first time. I never have been ice skating. You could tell because I ended up falling a couple of times. After the third time, you reached your hand out to me. Your hand was soft and warm, comfort, everything I wasn’t but you smiled at me anyway.

We skated arm to arm. I had never felt so close to you, to anyone. We talked about our families. We talked about the upcoming holiday and how lonely it could be in the city. I didn’t feel alone anymore.

It was 11:20 and the last BART to Oakland left at 11:30. We rushed to get to the Powell Muni/BART station. We hugged goodbye and went our different ways. I hopped on the last L and by the time I got to West Portal, I had five text messages and three missed calls.

“Hey babe what are you up to?”

“Are you busy.”

“Why are you ignoring me?”

“Babe please I don’t understand why you aren’t texting me back.”

“Okay well I love you.”

None of them were from you. I started to cry because I wish one of them were. I wished I could let go, for the sake of me and him. I wished I could be free of the monsters inside of me. I wish I could be free on the infidelity.

Instead I text you and say “Sorry! I went out with a friend and left my phone at home. I love you babe.” Still wishing you were someone else.

Only For A Night

The bartender called last call. I had already felt the alcohol but decided to do another shot of whiskey. I didn’t know how I was getting home. My card was expired and I had spent all my cash on alcohol.

You told me don’t worry, just come home with me. I smiled. We had been doing a lot of things lately and you had been passing me love notes written on cheap brown paper towels. I still didn’t know about you. I saw you as a politician, a great face but behind the charisma hid ugliness of superiority.

We started walking to your apartment downtown hand and hand. You told me you wanted to take me to your favorite spot. A single bench parked on a peak of San Francisco over seeing the whole city in its beauty of light pollution.

You told me you were done with white girls. I should of snarled but I was lonely and for reasons I never knew I did enjoy your company, even if I felt you were full of shit.

We kept walking and stopped in front of a church and you said we were all Gods in control of our own destiny. I didn’t understand until years later.

We finally reached your apartment. We went into an old elevator. I couldn’t stop looking at you. I fucking hated you and everything you stood for. Your faux Ghandi philosophy, your spirituality through crystals, your distaste of rap music, and your narcissism. You kissed me and it felt like a temporary home, feeling temporarily safe.

When we go into your apartment I couldn’t help but notice all the signs of a failed relationship. Dozen of empty frames on the wall, a floral couch picked up from a thrift store, crisp white sheets, and a piece of burnt carpet from a past romantic night that didn’t end well.

You started to peel layers from me one by one. I could see it your face. I saw the pain. I was just a piece of your fucked up puzzle. I should of just slept on the couch but I didn’t care. I needed the warmth of your skin, the intertwining of your fingers, your weight on top of mine. I started taking piece by piece of you realizing there was nothing there but drunk conversations and a false sense of comfort.

I left in the morning leaving everything behind the door of your apartment.